In the days that followed, I tried so very hard not to think about it or pine for it. At school, at home, and especially with Seth, I tried to put the experience out of my mind.
But I couldn’t. And it scared me.
We were at school a few days after getting high together in Seth’s apartment, when Kyle told me I probably shouldn’t do it again. “You’re going places, Hiroku. That shit will only hold you back.” I agreed outwardly while at the same time wondering how much just one pill might cost and how many I could get with what I currently had in my bank account.
When Seth asked me if I wanted to get high with him two nights later, I hesitated, then pretended like I hadn’t heard him.
“I said, do you want to come over and get high with me tonight?” Seth asked like it was nothing. Perhaps it was nothing to him, but to me, it was a really big deal. It was supposed to be a one-time thing to satisfy my curiosity and nothing more.
“I can’t. I have jiu-jitsu tonight.” I was glad we were talking by phone and not FaceTime. I was sure he’d see something on my face that contradicted my words.
“Hot date with Fabio, huh?” Seth asked.
“It’s a purely professional relationship,” I assured him because he was spending way too much time preoccupied with the thought of us together.
“Wouldn’t you rather come over here though?” Seth purred into the phone. “We can order in. I’ll undress you with my teeth, tie you up to the bedposts, and fuck your brains out, and then we’ll get high together? Doesn’t that sound like more fun, baby?”
It did sound like fun, but I didn’t want Seth to know how badly I wanted more.
“I can’t tonight,” I repeated. “I’ll see you Saturday for the show.”
He groaned like he was getting paid to do it. “Remember, you’re a pivotal part of our performance,” Seth said severely. He knew I’d been having misgivings about strutting around practically naked on stage, wearing nothing but gold briefs and a smile.
“I told you already, I’ll be there.”
I went to jiu-jitsu that night, then home, then to bed, and then to school, but always in the back of my mind was the echo of that fierce and potent pleasure and the desire to access that feeling again. It was an overwhelming itch I wanted to scratch.
The next time I saw Seth was for Petty Crime’sRocky Horror Picture Showthemed concert. I fulfilled my duties as eye candy adequately, and the audience raved at their campy performance, throwing rice on stage and shooting us with water pistols. Seth ate it up. He was magnificent at Frank-N-Furter in all of his black leather and fishnet glory. He’d been practicing walking in stilettos all week, and his investment of time really paid off. Seth wasn’t shy about putting his hands on me during the performance, to the point that I had to turn my back to the crowd and remind Seth with a look that I was only human.
They closed out their performance with a cover of Violent Femmes’ “American Music,” and I was surprised when a good portion of the audience knew it and started singing and clapping along. I felt a rush that the band probably always felt from performing. I could see how it was like a drug all its own.
Of course, it didn’t quench my other, more pressing craving.
There was an after party at the house of one of Seth’s groupies. Her name was Patricia, but they called her Tish. Seth had recruited her to play Magenta and sing backup for the band. She’d teased out her hair and spray-painted it purple as well as donning a French maid’s costume. I sensed there had been something going on between her and Seth in the past but that it was over now. Her outfit was provocative enough to offer me some stiff competition, but at least while I was around, Seth only had eyes for me.
I tried to change back into my regular clothes after the show, but Seth insisted I work the party in my gold booty shorts. Seth still wore his costume, only with combat boots, so I didn’t feel completely ridiculous. Sabrina was kind enough to lend me her sequined jacket, so I more closely resembled a Rockette as opposed to a straight-up stripper.
We arrived fashionably late, via Seth’s van, which was also used to transport the equipment to and from shows. The whole band was amped up on the post-show rush, and the costume aspect made it all the more festive. Tish kept our drinks refilled, which was hospitable of her. I drifted away from Seth’s orbit to catch up with Mitchell and Jeannie. There was a weird kind of tension there, but I kept the conversation light. A few minutes later, Seth came around and caught my eye, nodding for me to follow him inside the house.
We ended up making out in the laundry room. The door had a lock, so I was down for it. But I’d left my wallet in the van, which was also where I kept my condoms. Of course, Seth wasn’t carrying anything on him. I’d gotten a prescription for PrEP that summer through the health department and started taking it when Seth and I started hooking up again, but that did nothing to prevent a whole host of other STI’s. I told him we’d have to wait until later when we were back at his apartment.
“Come on, Hiroku. Just this once? I’m begging you.” Seth dropped down on his knees and clasped his hands together, glancing from my face to my dick, which was protruding from within my tight, metallic pants like a king’s golden scepter. He nuzzled my balls with his nose.
“We don’t have lube either. You’ll have to settle for a blow job.”
Seth hooked his finger under the elastic band of my costume and tugged a little. “You’ve been walking around in this all night. Tempting me. I’ve held out as long as I possibly can. I’ll give you anything you want. Gold, diamonds, fried tofu?”
I’d been thinking about getting high all night—it was hard not to when everyone around us was either doing it or planning on doing it later. It was the weekend, and it was Halloween, a special occasion. It wasn’t like I was getting high before school or alone in my bedroom.
There was also a part of me that worried if I didn’t give Seth what he wanted, he’d go seek it somewhere else.
“Fine, but after this, we go get high,” I told him.
Seth glanced up at me as if he couldn’t believe what I’d just said. He completely abandoned my aching dick and stood slowly.
“Have you been thinking about getting high?” he asked with a knavish look in his eyes. Kitsune.
I shrugged like it wasn’t a thing, but it was too late. Seth had spotted the chink in my armor.
