I tilted my head at his uncanny ability to identify the danger zones. “There are a few.”
Seth swallowed and reached for my hand again. “I could be faithful. For you.”
That kind of ruined the moment for me. I honestly didn’t believe him. I recalled some of the looks I’d gotten that night when his groupies saw Seth and I leaving together. Their jealousy could only mean they felt they already had a claim to him. It wasn’t just men, either, but women too. It shouldn’t matter to me who Seth screwed around with, but the women bothered me more because they could give him things I couldn’t.
I pulled my hand away. “We’re here to catch up, Seth. As friends. Let’s not go making promises or spouting off great proclamations.”
He sat back in the booth and gave me a wounded look, but he recovered quickly enough. Our conversation veered into more pedestrian topics. He told me about his new apartment not far from there in the Red River district, which was decidedly the coolest part of Austin. His apartment was within walking distance of an arts collective where the band was renting a garage to practice, his mom having finally said enough is enough. Jeannie was managing the band’s bank account with oversight from Sabrina. They weren’t making enough money for any of them to quit their day jobs, but they’d gotten a couple of offers from small recording labels to cut an indie record. Seth wanted to put together a few new songs for an album, one that told a complete story. He looked at me intently when he said it as if asking for my collaboration. I told him it sounded like a good idea, but I didn’t make any commitments.
Seth also caught me up on all the band gossip, including Caleb and Sasha’s breakup, Dean’s fall from the wagon, and the clandestine kiss between Jeannie and Sabrina.
“Does Mitchell know?” I asked him.
“He hasn’t said anything about it, but I think he knows.”
“Shit.”
Seth cut his eyes at me. “It was only a kiss.”
I gave him a look.
All of our conversations circled back to that. And as we sat there, me with my abundance of confidence and Seth with his bedroom eyes, a dangerous idea began to take hold in my mind. I was tired of this parry-and-feint dance of ours and of denying myself pleasure all of these months. The simple fact was, I needed to be fucked thoroughly, and Seth was more than willing. He was an expert at knowing what I needed even when I didn’t know it myself. We were both adults; at least I considered myself to be one. I’d placed enough emotional distance between us those past few months that I wouldn’t get tangled up in his web of lies again. I’d enter in this time with eyes wide open. I’d encase my heart in platinum and make it impossible for him to penetrate it.
“Look,” I said when the check came. “We both know the sex was good.” It wasn’t the best part of our relationship, but it was right up there. “And we both know you can’t be monogamous. So, why don’t we cut the bullshit and just fuck when we feel like it?”
“Like a friends with benefits situation?” Seth asked, seeming not entirely onboard with the idea.
“Yeah. Then you can screw whoever else you want, and I can too.” He started a little at that like he was going to argue with me. If he only knew my utter lack of interest in anyone but him. “You can’t have it both ways,” I warned him.
“But we keep that shit to ourselves,” he said. “I really don’t think I could handle seeing you with another guy, Hiroku.”
“Or a girl,” I said to mess with him.
He gave me that look again, like he didn’t know who I was. I derived some twisted pleasure from it.
“Right,” he said unsteadily.
“So make sure your groupies know that if they see my face, they’d better fucking scatter like sewer rats in the daylight.”
Seth nodded, looking a little bit fearful. “But I want this to be more than just sex.”
It was never just sex, even when it was, but I shrugged and said, “We’ll see where it goes.” I was so cavalier about it. Who was this person acting so nonchalant about his feelings? I really believed I could divorce all emotion from Seth and my relationship.
“And another thing.” I looked at him closely. “When we were together you were always acting shady about the drugs and whatever else you were doing. Maybe you were trying to protect me, or maybe you just wanted to feel like the adult, but this time around, you’re not going to treat me like some stupid fucking kid.”
Seth recoiled like I’d slapped him. “I never thought you were stupid.” He opened his mouth to say more, then stopped.
I glanced down at the check between us. Since I was making demands, I might as well make one more. “And you’re paying for shit from now on. You can afford it, and also you owe me for all of my artistic contributions to Petty Crime.”
Seth pulled out his wallet and dropped some cash on the table like it was nothing. He grabbed my hand to pull me up out of the booth, perhaps worried that if we sat there even a second longer, I’d change my mind.
I took it to mean he’d agreed to my terms.
Later that night in his darkened apartment, after we’d both unspooled ourselves in each other and were lying in a puddle of post-orgasmic bliss like a single-celled amoeba, I asked Seth if he was going to show me his tattoo.
“Of course.” He reached across me to turn on the lamp on his bedside table. I climbed on top of him, placed my hands on his chest, and squinted at the smooth skin of his left pectoral to get a better look.
I drew in a sharp breath.
