“It’s not dumb at all. Seems like a natural reaction to people being assholes. And as far as wanting to be someone else, I used to wish I was a girl.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, then I could wear dresses and date cute boys, and it would be normal.”
It kind of surprised me that Seth had wrestled with his identity; he seemed so sure of himself and his masculinity. That was also the first time Seth made it known to me that he was into guys. I’d asked around at school of course, but this was Seth coming out to me and me alone. It felt important.
“I can’t see you ever being normal,” I said with admiration. I’d meant for it to be a compliment, but I worried it came off sounding snotty or sarcastic. Seth laughed.
“No, probably not.”
We reached the corner of my yard. Seth never walked me to my door but always stopped at the edge of our property and glanced up at my house uneasily, like he knew he shouldn’t be there. I was tempted to ask him in, but it would only invite questions. My mom and dad mostly stayed out of my social life and only concerned themselves with my academics, but my sister Mai was perceptive. She’d already noticed my spike in phone usage, usually stalking Seth on social media or chatting with my best friend SabrinaaboutSeth. For whatever reason, I wanted to keep this a secret, and I sensed Seth did too.
“You should come by my house tomorrow after school,” Seth said. His lips pursed in an angelic bow, and I suspected he was asking for more than just a visit. As if to warn me, he added, “My mom won’t get home until late.”
“Oh… that’s… cool.” I tried to sound nonchalant about it. If I opened my mouth too wide, the butterflies in my stomach might flutter right out.
“So, you’ll come?” He leaned forward a little with his hands clasped behind his back.
I’d done my research at school—I’d heard the rumors of his drug use and promiscuity and his trail of broken hearts—but there was something so alluring about him still. The feeling I got when we were together was…exhilarating. And there was a pretty good chance he might even want to make out with me, a thrilling prospect. I’d always been a curious person, and Seth Barrett was a question mark personified.
“Yeah,” I said. “I’ll come.”
Seth’s lips curved into a triumphant smile. “Cool,” he said out of the corner of his mouth. Had he been worried I might say no? I couldn’t believe my infatuation wasn’t obvious to him already. And the fact that Seth was interested in me.Me, of all people?That thought alone had my head spinning.
Seth angled his body so that he could whisper into my ear, “See you tomorrow then, Hiroku Hayashi.”
My limbs were reduced to pools of jelly, and my heart was racing so fast I worried it might take flight.
“Yeah, see you tomorrow.”
I didn’t go to Seth’s house right away. There was some preparation on my part. A shower for one and some body spray to mask the smell of my stress sweating. I had to pick out an outfit that said,I look this good by accident, somethinghewould find attractive.Same with my hair. That ended up taking a while. By the time I rounded Seth’s block, I worried I’d missed my window.
His garage door was open, and he was sitting on an old plaid couch, hunched over an electric guitar with his headphones on. Seth was waiting for me just as he’d promised. It didn’t calm my racing heart in the least.
I paused at the bottom of his driveway. As if sensing me, his head lifted, and a slow smile spread across his face. He set aside the guitar and rose to greet me. We didn’t hug or bump fists or anything, just stopped a few feet apart and appraised each other. He looked good in a casual, cool way that I could only fake. I regretted the effort I’d put into my look. I didn’t want him to think me a poser.
“I thought you weren’t going to show,” he said, “but it seems you were just spending a little extra time on your appearance.” He touched my chin with his knuckle in a gesture of endearment. Still, I felt my own embarrassment seep outward, flaming my cheeks with a fever until it was all I could think about.
“I like it,” Seth said, noticing my extreme embarrassment. “I’m flattered you went to the trouble, but I like you sweaty and dirty too.”
Seth said he liked me. Did this mean we were more than friends? It gave me confidence and made me anxious at the same time. I’d never kissed a guy or even held hands with one. His experience definitely outpaced my own. And what if he saw me as just some little kid?
Despite my inexperience, I swore to myself I’d do everything I could to match him in every way.
I glanced around the garage and tried to think of something to say. There was an old carpet covering the cement floor and a drum kit, microphones, amps, and cords. As I came inside, I noticed a circular saw set up in the corner with a pile of sawdust underneath it from a past project. A few band posters decorated the walls, and in the back corner, there was a washer and dryer.
“So, this is where your band practices?”
“Yep, this is where the magic happens. I’d give you a sample of our music, but we kind of suck.”
I laughed. How humble. He’d told me a little bit about his band. Skull Necklace was their name, and they played some kind of heavy metal. Seth hadn’t told me much more than that, but I’d sensed from the way he talked about them, he wasn’t exactly happy with the situation.
“Have a seat.” He pulled out his phone and fiddled with it. Lana Del Rey’s sultry voice filtered out through the speakers. I recognized the song, and Seth seemed impressed that I knew her.
“I mean, it’s Lana,” I said like we were old friends.
Seth settled down next to me on the couch with his arm stretched casually across the back of it while I tucked my hands between my knees and tried to keep my toes from tapping. Seth had a way of commanding the room, even in repose.
