“He lives in the neighborhood. We play basketball together sometimes.”
“And now you guys are going on overnight camping trips together?”
For whatever reason, I felt the need to guard our relationship like a dog with a bone. “What of it, Mai?”
She narrowed her eyes like she was put out by my attitude. “Seth Barrett is a loser, Hiroku. He’s probably not going to graduate because he skips so much school. He and his friends are into drugs. The bad kind. You’re a freshman and he’s a senior. If you’re doing this just to be popular—”
“I’m not.” I honestly didn’t give a shit about being popular, then or ever. I just wanted a place to belong.
“Then what’s going on?”
I had secrets, and I knew if I didn’t give Mai something, she’d take it to my parents, and they’d probably ground me and if not that, be breathing down my neck about every little thing I did, which would put a real damper on my growing fascination with Seth.
“There’s something you should know,” I told her. Her eyebrows lifted in a way that told me she was giving me her full attention. She was a patient listener. I’d always appreciated that about my sister. She knew how hard it was for me to express myself and didn’t pressure me to rush my words.
“I’m into dudes.” She blinked a couple of times, and before she could say anything, I followed it up with, “You can’t tell Dad. Or Mom.”
She came over and drew me into a hug. “I won’t, but you shouldn’t be sneaking around like this, Hiroku. Are you and Seth…together?” She sounded pained when she said it, like the word “together” left a bad taste in her mouth.
Technically, no. “We’re just friends. I have a lot of questions, and he’s…helping me through it.” In more ways than one.
“I’m glad you found someone to talk to, but I meant what I said about Seth. He’s a terrible influence.”
“Those are just rumors, Mai.”
She gave me a stern look. “Sometimes when stories get told so often, you can’t help but believe them.”
I wanted to say something to defend Seth’s honor, but everything Mai had said about him was true; not that he was a loser, but he did skip school a lot, and he was definitely into drugs. That didn’t mean I would do them too. People ate meat around me all the time. I just had to draw a similar line.
Mai grabbed my shoulders. She was shorter than me now but still had the ability to make me feel like a little kid. “I won’t tell Mom and Dad, but that means you have to tell me what’s going on. No secrets.” She bit her lip. “Wait right here.”
She left and came back a minute later with a fistful of condoms.
“Mai,” I protested. I didn’t want to think about why she had those condoms. My parents tended to avoid all talks about sex with us. My dad, in our brief and incredibly stilted conversations, made it seem like our family honor was at stake if I even considered having sex with a girl, and the idea that I might want to have sex with a boy had probably never even crossed his mind, which meant everything I knew about sex came from the Internet or friends or on occasions like these, Mai.
“I keep these in a shoebox under my bed,” Mai was saying, “tucked into my old ballerina slippers. It’s always stocked, so you can come in any time and get some. I don’t want you doing anything with anyone without one. Go it?” She held out the strip to me. I took them reluctantly, folded them up like raffle tickets, and shoved them into my back pocket.
“Yes,” I said moodily.
“And be smart about Seth, Hiroku. I know he’s exciting, but you have to be careful with your heart. Especially your first time.”
“I will,” I droned. My whole face was aflame. I’d said we were just friends, but Mai could guess at where we were heading, even if we weren’t there just yet.
As her final piece of advice she said, “And if I hear even a whisper that you might be into something you shouldn’t, I’m telling Mom and Dadeverything.”
I nodded. In a strange way it was a relief to have at least one person know what was going on. Just in case I got into waters that were too deep, Mai would be watching from the shore, ready to step in and signal for help.
My lifeline.
NOW
I’m getting a reputation at New Vistas for being a troublemaker. I can’t even blame my former roommate Ryan this time, because it was my idea. Ryan was telling me how he doesn’t like the medication they have him on, so together we hatch a scheme where I distract the meds nurse by flirting with him while Ryan tucks away his pills. We do that for three days straight. Then Ryan and I crush them up into a fine powder and snort them to see if we can get even an echo of the high we used to get from painkillers.
Instead, we both get nosebleeds and wicked headaches and very little euphoria. Then I feel really bad about doing it. Like, how desperate am I? Shouldn’t I know better by now?
I end up telling Dr. Denovo about it because TRUST, RESPECT, HONESTY, and RESPONSIBILITY. They come down pretty hard on the meds nurse, which makes me feel bad for him because it really wasn’t his fault. Ryan and I lose our T.V. privileges. Ryan is pretty miffed that I narced, but we both agree that he’s probably better off taking his meds. Even if he feels like a zombie and can’t get an erection, at least he doesn’t want to kill himself.
Depression is a real bitch.
