I am not as altruistic as I should be. Yeah, I want what's best for Cross and I obviously need our pack to be okay; but deep down in the darkest depths of my heart, I'm still selfish. I left so Cross could claim his fate, but he didn't. He chose not to. He still chose me, even when Genie gave him another chance to do what he was supposed to do. I can't help that it strokes my ego.
I've ignored and pushed down that part of me so viciously that it's barely a flicker. It should probably stay that way. I shouldprobably snuff it out. Those prideful, jealous feelings won't do anything but fester. I know that. But it isn't fair. It has always been me and Cross. I don't want to give him away to someone else now anymore than I did years ago; the difference is that now I understand the cost of my jealousy and it's too much. It doesn't matter now that it's always been me and Cross against the world. Things are bigger now, bigger than either of us. People depend on us. I understand that, but I don't think Cross does.
It puts me in a position to push him to do the one thing that hurts me the most.
I don't know how to make him understand that he has to let me go, but it has to happen. I can still be his friend. I will still be his Second. I will do everything I always planned to do, I just won't be going to bed with him at the end of the day and that has to be okay. It has to be enough that we will still have each other. I will have to be satisfied and so will he. I know that I can make him understand, I just have to shove all my feelings back. I've done it for the past year. I'll keep doing it. Everything will be alright.
Today is our first day of classes. Courses? I don't know what to call them. We're not really learning anything academically. Based on the registration paperwork under the Integrations heading, the work we'll be doing looks mostly like a combination of self-reflection exercises and a collection of trust fall bullshit. It's very generalized so I'm sure there's more to it, but that's what it looks like. We'll be spending most of our time here in a series of group and individual therapies with the exception of two integrations.
Wolves are physical beings. None of us can be expected to sit in lectures or behind desks all day, every day. To offset the intense amount of sitting still that will be required, there are two integrations that focus wholly on physically working out ourtroubles and give us an outlet to express some of our physical energy and aggression.
The weekly hunt will divide us into groups to run through the ground in search of “prey or another goal”. Simple and fun with a concrete reward. Hopefully the admin team has enough sense to put people into groups who actually want to be in groups with each other. The only thing that worries me about the weekly hunt is the potential for fights. Wolves are socially territorial creatures. Putting us into groups will create situations for competition that will lead to insults and arguments. It always does. And that leads into the other integration.
There will also be a monthly Middle Ground game. It isn't a requirement. No one has to participate if they don't want to. Anyone can challenge anyone to a fair fight. The lead staff will approve and essentially referee the fights to ensure fairness and relative safety. I have already heard whispers of betting pools.
I didn't expect official fights at Recovery. It seems to me that it would go against the point of this place. At least it's not going to be a free-for-all. There are rules and people to enforce them. It's nothing that doesn't happen within packs, even ours. It's supposed to be a fun way to relieve stress and it usually is. There's always some asshole that takes it too far, but it's generally considered good for the community as a whole. It's just a little surprising that Recovery would host something like that. Cross and I have already decided that neither of us will be participating. There are a few other alphas here besides Cross, and anyone who faced an alpha would be at an intense disadvantage. Cross isn't here to fight or win money. He's not here to make enemies or friends. He's here to work on himself. There isn't any room for anything else.
“You ready?” he asks as he walks through my door.
I sigh and shove my foot into my shoe. “Yeah. Did you eat?”
He hands me a pear and a granola bar. “Wasn't hungry. I went down to grab a couple things for you, though. You needed the sleep.”
“Thanks.” I take the food, but I already regret sleeping in. I'm going to be starving for actual food way before everyone breaks for lunch.
“You have a one-on-one this morning, and then a meditation thing, right?”
I nod. I'm not looking forward to the counseling session. I have tried counseling in the past, but I never found it to be helpful. Unfortunately it is a requirement here. “I think it might be yoga.”
“Yoga?”
I roll my eyes. “You know what yoga is, Cross.”
He laughs. “Yeah, I just can't imagine you doing it.”
“Really?” I cock a brow. “You can't imagine me doing yoga poses?”
“I don't think I can see you doing a twisted up headstand. And you're not really flexible.”
“I'm flexible,” I smirk. “You've experienced exactly how flexible I can be.”
His mouth drops open and I laugh while I pull him out the door.
***
Counseling lasts an hour and I hate every minute of it. The meditation class isn't yoga. It's a barefoot walk through the grounds that I enjoy so much that I decide to double up on them. As it is, I have meditation three mornings a week. I'm going to request three more sessions so that I'll have a guided session every day. One of the best things about staying away from Crossand the pack for all that time is the time I had for quiet thinking and processing. I've only been out of my self-imposed seclusion for a little over a week and I'm still trying to get used to being around people all the time again. Everything seems so loud and exhausting.
Cross's schedule has some of the same things mine does but most of it is geared towards alphas. It makes sense. Our alphas are part of the population of our packs, but they also have a separation. That separation is what allows them to make decisions for everyone. He's never been interested in maintaining that separation. He wants to be with everyone, in the thick of everything. I don't think a few rounds of alpha therapy will change that. Cross is who he is.
My schedule gives me about twenty minutes of free time before lunch. There are only about thirty people here right now so everyone eats together. I know how overwhelming it's going to be, which is part of why I let myself sleep past breakfast. I'm glad Cross brought me a snack, though. I'm running on empty.
I don't know what else to do before meeting Cross in the dining hall. There's a small library here, as well as a recreation room, but I'd rather amble around outside for a while than sit around bouncing my knee and avoiding eye contact while I watch the clock. I go out to the courtyard with the hope of being alone, or mostly alone, but that hope dies as soon as I hear voices mingling with the sounds of the dense forest surrounding the grounds.
“You're here with the rest of the rejects,” a male voice says sharply. “You're no better than any of us.”
“I didn't say I was better than anyone. I just asked you to leave me alone.”
Genie. Of course it's Genie. The universe just keeps shoving her in my face.
