Let me begin by saying that I am now aware how despicable my actions were in compromising the late Mr Bennet. As you said more than once, I made my bed, so I had to lie in it.
You asked me many times what I did with Janey, Lizzy, and Mary. God forgive me. I left them in Hyde Park on the evening of the 5th day of April 1792.
I feel I owe you an explanation of why I was driven to do so by the selfishness which used to govern my every decision. This isNOTto excuse my actions. I have come to realise that there is no justification for what I did.
First, if you are asking why I never told you this sooner, it was simply my innate selfishness. My belief was that should I admit to my actions, I would have been arrested and gaoled, or worse. Like so many things in my life, I thought only of my own needs, and nothing of how my actions affected others or the anguish I caused you in not knowing where Jane, Lizzy, and Mary were.
When I made the biggest error in my life and tied myself to that of the Collins monster, he told me that I would have to pay for the upkeep of the girls. If only I would have known they were your wards! No, that does not excuse what I did, which, like so much in my life, was driven by pure selfishness.
The day he drugged the nursemaids; my intention was to bring the girls to you. I discovered the Gardiner Emporium and asked for you. When I was told you were away, I knew not what to do.
As I refused to pay for the girls from my own pin money, I decided to leave them in Hyde Park. To further my aim, I told them I had planned a surprise. I left them on a blanket, yes, even Mary, who was but 3 months of age, telling them I had forgotten something. I never looked back. I hoped they would be found and turned over to a parish, again thinking of only myself. I still cannot believe that I left those precious girls in the park and happily made my way back to Longbourn feeling rather proud of myself.
I am sure you were apprised of my marrying within days of Mr Bennet’s passing away. The heavy price for my error began the day the will was read.
You remember I told you he had struck me that last day I saw you? He lifted his hand to me because I had dissembled and told him that Mr Bennet compromised me. That was nothing compared to what he did when he was told that my dowry was forfeit, something he had relied on to give him additional funds with which to gamble.
That day was the first day he truly punished me (with his fists), however, it was certainly not the last, or by far, the worst instance of his abusing me.
You are aware I birthed two more daughters: Kitty and Lydia. I thought I would survive my husband so I would be able to be the kind of mother to my 2 youngest girls I had not been to the 3 eldest. One day when that evil man slapped Kitty, I knew that I had to plan and find a way that would make the girls safe from him.
If you would like to know what my life as Mrs Collins was like, I detailed all of the times my husband punished me and what he did, in my journal.
In the end, I may have to abandon Kitty and Lydia as well. However, it will be done in their service, not in mine.
That does not redeem what I did with Jane, Lizzy, and Mary. Since I woke up to my own character flaws, I pray daily that they are safe, well, and happy.
In contrition,
Fanny
Gardiner sat staring at the pages in his hand for some minutes after he read what his late sister had written. He did not realise that some tears had escaped his eyes when he had read about how acutely his sister had suffered. She had needed to be punished for her actions, but certainly not the way she had been brutalised by her husband. In the end, she had seen the error of her ways and done what she was able to do to change.
Maddie did not miss the way her husband reacted to the epistle. She gently removed it from his hand as he sat in contemplation. He did nothing to stop her. It did not take long until she too was crying. “Those poor girls!” she exclaimed with the fervour of a mother. “They must have been so scared.”
Hearing Maddie’s voice snapped Gardiner out of his stupor. “We must leave for London today. I will begin by calling at every parish around Hyde Park before searching further afield.”
“I agree we need to depart but, Edward, It is Thursday. We will not reach London by Saturday, so we will be at an inn for the sabbath. Does it not make more sense to remain here and depart first thing on Monday morning?” Maddie suggested. “I would also consider placing a notice in the London papers. You never know, someone may have information about the girls which will helpusfind them.”
As much as he wanted to go charging south, Gardiner saw the sense in his wife’s words. They would depart with first light on Monday morning.
~~~~~~~/~~~~~~~
Holder was waiting with bated breath. It was the Friday after Christmas, and he had sent one of his men to visit Gardiner and request a meeting to discuss something.
As much as he did not want this to be the thing that would connect his daughters to their birth family, Holder was aware he was honour-bound to follow up to see if this led to said family. Nothing had been learnt with all the men he had sent to Herefordshire.
He was honest enough to admit he was procrastinating. He could have sent one of his men to Meryton, which was barely more than twenty miles from London, to make enquiries, even to see Mr Phillips and ask him directly.
He had not because he knew not what he would do, especially how Edith would react if it looked like their daughters were to be taken away from them. Holder swore that even if family members of Jane, Lizzy, and Mary were discovered, unless he was certain they would not hurt his daughters, he would not allow them to be known to one another. Thank goodness his daughters had no memory of being abandoned, but nevertheless, he would protect them to the best of his abilities.
The thoughts were all premature. There was no guarantee they would find a connection to the girls in Hertfordshire any more than had been discovered in Herefordshire.
There was a knock on the study door. “Come,” Holder called out.
The man he had sent to Gardiner and associates entered. “Mr Gardiner is not home, mi’lord,” he reported. “As you are a client, his manager told me he expects Mr Gardiner by the end of this coming week.”
“Thank you, Claudland; that will be all for now,” Holder said in dismissal. His man bowed and left the study.
