The next morning Elizabeth rose with the sun and escaped the parsonage as fast as her feet could carry her. Charlotte Collins had knocked on her door upon their return from Rosings Park last night to enquire after her health, but Lizzy had feigned being asleep. She had no desire to talk to anyone, so she slipped out long before any of the household stirred from their warm beds. As she closed the gate behind her, she prayed that she would not seehimthis morning. Much to her dismay, her prayer was not to be answered.
As she entered the grove, she saw him standing there leaning on a tree with one hand. She started to retreat but he must have heard her, for he hailed her as he approached. She stopped walking. As much as she had no desire to see or talk to the man, she would not abandon all of her upbringing and ignore him despite his evident disregard of his lessons on being a gentleman.
“Good morning, Miss Bennet.” Darcy bowed curtly. “Will you do me the great honour of reading this letter?” With that, he thrust a missive into her hand.
Her first inclination was to refuse to read his missive and tear it up into thousands of little pieces before him, then she had a thought as her inquisitive nature got the best of her. “I will read your letter, sir, on one condition. I have a request of you in return. Meet me back at this place in three hours. It will give me time to read your letter a number of times and absorb it. This way if I have any questions, you may hear them, and then it will be up to you whether you answer them or not. And in fairness, as you have likely asked me to see your side in this missive, I demand that you hear mine if I am not yet persuaded you are correct.” She challenged, his answer determining if she would actually accept the letter. As a preface to a sensible discussion, it could be considered less improper. Did not Generals and those that studied histories read missives of their adversaries and allies to determine a proper course forward?
He nodded his agreement. Thinking to be done with her, he had planned a departure that morning, but as he had agreed, his honour dictated that he must return in three hours, no matter how painful it was to look upon one that he now knew he could never have. He offered a slightly deeper incline of his head then turned and strode at speed back toward Rosings Park.
She sat on a rock out of sight of roads and crossings, removed her bonnet, then broke the seal on the letter and opened it.
Miss Elizabeth Bennet,
Be not alarmed, Madam, on receiving this letter …
To her dismay, and at first disbelief, the letter laid out his reasons for his actions in separating her beloved Jane and Bingley, his dealings with Wickham and assertions that made her feel sick to the stomach if true, but they could not be, could they? He explained that he never meant to slight her, just get Bingley to leave him alone. He claimed to have documents signed by Wickham and over three thousand pounds in debts that the man had left around the country! She was ready to tear up the letter and reject it out of hand. However, when she read the closing, and that stayed her, and made her reconsider her actions.
… If your abhorrence of me should make my assertions valueless, you cannot be prevented by the same cause from confiding in my cousin; and that there may be the possibility of consulting him, I shall endeavour to find some opportunity of putting this letter in your hands in the course of the morning.
I will only add, God bless you.
Fitzwilliam Darcy
Elizabeth’s first inclination had been to allow her anger to overrule her logic and reject all of his claims out of hand, after seeing that he was willing to show her proof, to allow her to ask Colonel Fitzwilliam to verify the events, she forced herself to reread the letter, then read it again many times over, formulating questions she wanted answered and points of clarification she would make when he returned as he had promised he would. She did not consider the contradiction in her accusations yesterday, that no matter how ungentlemanly she thought of him, no matter how hard it would be for him to face her again, she was sure he would honour her request and return.
Chapter 1
Darcy rode his horse, Zeus, toward the grove. He felt like a guilty man awaiting sentencing. In going over his letter in his own head, he realised Elizabeth may have cause to be affronted anew, and though not his intent, he had apparently done so before without realising he had. He had written in anger, and he knew that it was never a good idea to do such. He forced himself to face her and approached the only woman he had ever loved, who ironically was likely the only woman who would not have him. He dismounted and let Zeus have at the grass while he walked to where she sat. He stood waiting for her to speak, unable to determine what she was thinking or feeling, as he obviously was not as adept at reading her as he had thought he was, he certainly wanted to avoid saying something that would release another tirade directed at him. ‘If I am truthful, she scares me when she is angry; if she was a man, she would have initiated fisticuffs!’ He shuddered as he thought about this slip of a woman putting him on his derriere.
After a minute or two, which seemed more like hours to him, she lifted her fine, expressive eyes and met his. How well she looked with no bonnet and some of her chestnut curls escaping their pins. But it initially and still was her hazel eyes that bewitched him; the flecks of green and gold and the way that they flashed whenever she gave into her passionate nature about something or someone. It was those eyes that almost had goaded him into what would only have been at the time unwanted advances, when he had never wanted a woman more in all his years.
“I have much to say, Mr Darcy, some of it, a lot of it, will be painful to you. It is not easy for me to say what I feel I must to an intimate, never mind someone who at best was an indifferent acquaintance. If you are willing to listen to what I have to say, I must ask that you on your honour give me the respect of letting me speak before you answer. I need to be able to cover all that is in my head and I am not sure I will be able to with interruptions. Is that agreeable to you knowing that I will say things that will give you pain? It is your choice, if you decide not to hear me, we can part company without acrimony,” she asked carefully, assessing him for his mood but unable to get a reading.
“It is, Miss Bennet.” He bowed his head in agreement. He felt trepidation at what she would say. At least there were no signs of anger as there were after his proposals. He needed to maintain some bond, any bond with her, so for him it was not a choice at all.
“I will be honest with you and confess that at first, I wanted to dismiss all of what you said about Mr Wickham as lies.” She held up a hand to ease his concern when she saw his shoulders tense. “The more I reread your missive, I was struck by the fact that you shared what you did about your sister’s travails and your assertions that your cousin would be able to confirm your side of the story. You told me that you hold written proof that he willingly gave up all claim to the living as well as a mountain of his debts that you have purchased, all convinced me that it was, in fact, the truth. It is not an excuse, but I see only now that I was open to his lies after the behaviour you exhibited at the assembly and your insult to me. I was looking to find fault with you, as you had been so very disdainful towards myself and all of my neighbours, and Mr Wickham fed that need. And I, who am normally very careful and circumspect, allowed him to pour his poison into my ear while ignoring the impropriety of such a disclosure to one whom he had just met.
“I confess that I wilfully ignored the glaring inconsistencies and contradictions. With one breath he said that he would not harm or expose the son for love of the father, and then proceeded to do just that in the next. He said that if you did not like his being in the neighbourhood, you would have to leave not him, but then he did not attend the ball at Netherfield. And initially I was the only one that he shared his tale of woe with, but as soon as you ‘escaped’the area, he spread his tale far and wide when you were not there to challenge his version of the facts.
“You have my apology, no matter how embarrassed I am that I, who have always prided myself on ability to sketch a character, was so readily taken in by him. Though it is a small consolation that by your account he is a practiced, profligate deceiver and manipulator. That he was able to waste four thousand pounds in three years, and then ignore a legal document and ask for that which he had refused and had received pecuniary advantage proves his lack of any principles, character, honour, or morals. On top of that you now own over three thousand in markers that he has signed for money he never intended to repay makes him even worse. The rest of what you relayed only added to the weight of my shame at being taken in by this…” she clenched a fist, “I hate that being a woman dictates that I call him a man but he does not deserve the classification. I certainly will not call him a gentleman, as he deserves no such title.”
She saw that Darcy wanted to say something, but she gave him a burning look that silenced him without having to verbally remind him of his agreement.
Darcy felt greatly relieved that at least she had believed him about Wickham.
“Your sister has my sympathies for having been put upon by such a man. But now, sir, that my shame is borne to you and I have rendered my apologies and true sympathies for your beloved sister, I must point out some things that are glaring faults of yours, the things that I will tell you may give you pain. Are you sure that you wish me to proceed?”
He did not move for some seconds and then nodded his head to show his acquiescence.
“I am not sure if you are driven by pride and or arrogance, but allow that this is what I see. You had many chances to expose Wickham and, in every case, you neglected to do so, allowing him to carry on unimpeded. It shows me you cared more for you own concerns than the harm to others that could have been saved. You never gave potential victims a chance to defend themselves.
“If you had not spared what you felt were, your father’s feelings and informed him of Wickham’s actions when you were at Cambridge, would he have been allowed to hurt so many after that point, including your sister? Did you think your father so weak, that he could not handle the truth? Would he have ignored the word of his son and heir; did he give proof that he would rather believe the word of his godson? I am sure that you had proof of his actions that would have made your case without making you look like you were being overly judgemental. You are not responsible for Wickham’s despicable actions, but you had it in your power to expose him to your father and you chose not to do so.”
Darcy remembered that there was a time before Cambridge that he had attempted to talk to his Father. His worries had been dismissed as ‘youthful exuberance’. He hung his head because if he was to be honest with himself, he never went to his father when he had solid proof of Wickham’s debts, debauchery and ruination of girls. Miss Bennet, he had to acknowledge could very well be correct. He could have stopped him early on.Darcy was uncomfortable realising that he may have more culpability than he liked to think.
“In your letter, you state that to protect her sensibilities you never informed your sister of Wickham’s propensities. You could have easily armed her with the knowledge while protecting her maidenly sensibility. Are women so weak that they will swoon as soon as they hear something offensive? I hold that knowledge is power. By your withholding the knowledge from your sister until after the fact, you, in effect, left her defenceless. That being said, I need to point out some hypocrisy, and not the last I see in what you have said.”
Darcy was starting to question his agreement to allow her to talk without interruption, however he had given his word, and he would not dishonour a promise that he made to the woman with her fine eyes flashing.
