“Because… I almost hurt you out there.” The emotion in his words goes beyond guilt and all the way into self-loathing.
Seems to be going around lately.
“You were confused,” I insist. “Knox showed up, threatened me, and then Villeneuve said what he said. Everything happened so fast…”
“I would never have beenconfusedbefore.” The words come out sharp and angry, but not at me. “Not like that. Not where I couldn’t tell the difference between a threat and my own mate.”
I reach for him but he pulls away like he always does lately.
“It’s the bite,” he says. “It’s changing me already. I can feel it, Regina.”
“Killian—”
“I’ve been having dreams.” The admission comes out like it’s being dragged from somewhere deep. Somewhere he didn’t want to go. “The same dream, the same nightmare. Over and over. Since before I even woke up from the stasis.”
I wait rather than pushing like I want to, now that he’s finally opening up. Instead, I just sit there with him in the growing darkness, giving him space to find the words.
“I’m hunting you.” His voice is barely above a whisper now. “Through the forest. I can smell you and I know exactly whereyou are. And I’m—“ He stops and grimaces at whatever movie is playing in his mind’s eye. “I catch you. Every fucking time. And I...”
He doesn’t finish the sentence, but he doesn’t have to.
“It was just a dream,” I say, placing my hand on his arm. This time, he doesn’t pull away. “Dreams don’t mean anything.”
“Part of it already happened.” He turns to face me fully, and I see it now, the fear underneath everything else. The terror of a man who thinks he’s watching himself become a monster. “In the garden. When I looked at you and smelled your scent and couldn’t remember why I shouldn’t devour you. That’s how it starts in the dream. That’s how italwaysfucking starts.”
“Killian—”
“If I turn,” he interrupts, “if they don’t put me down before that happens, I’ll kill you. I’ve done it a hundred times in that fucking nightmare. I know exactly how it happens. And I can’t...” His voice breaks on the word. “I can’t let that happen. Iwon’t.”
The weight of what he’s been carrying hits me all at once. All these weeks of distance. All the times he’s pulled away, put space between us, treated himself like a bomb about to go off.
He’s been living in that nightmare. Every day, every hour, watching himself kill me over and over in his dreams, and then waking up to face me with that knowledge burning in him.
And when he’s not living it in his dreams, he’s torturing himself over it, as if any of this is his fault.
I don’t think, I just move. My arms go around him, pulling him close, refusing to let go even when he stiffens.
“Regina…”
“Shut up.”
“Being with me isn’t safe.Touchingme isn’t safe.”
“Nope. I said shut up.” I tighten my grip around his neck, press my face against his shoulder. His familiar bourbon scent wraps around me, comforting in a way I’ve so desperatelyneeded. We’ve both needed this. “Even if it isn’t safe, I love you. I love all of you. And a world you aren’t in isn’t worth being in.”
He’s trembling. I feel it against my body. This massive, powerful alpha wolf is shaking from the restraint of resisting the urge to let his mate comfort him.
But I’m not letting him pull away this time.
“Wewillfind a cure,” I say. “Vyse is working on it. Villeneuve is helping. The pack isn’t giving up andI’mnot giving up. So you don’t get to give up either. That’s not how this works.”
I pull back just enough to look at his face because he’s gone silent again, and his eyes are wet. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him cry before. Didn’t even think he was capable of it. He’s still not quite there, the tears aren’t spilling over, but he’s closer than I’ve ever seen him.
“I love you,” I say again. “You know that, right? I love you.”
His eyes widen slightly. Not enough for the concept to be completely foreign to him, but enough to know he didn’t expect me to say the words out loud, at least not yet.
That makes two of us.
