Trill-Land, ’LoLux Estate
I had just turned thirty-nine weeks, and at this point, I felt every bit of it, from the way my back would ache when I tried to stand too long, to how even rollin’ over in bed had turned into a whole process that I had to mentally prepare for first. My’Love was sittin’ low and heavy, and it felt like she was remindin’ me every second that she was ready to be here, like she ain’t have no more patience left, and honestly… neither did I.
Treasure had been in the house for a lil’ over a week now, movin’ around like this was her space too, but I ain’t even mind it ’cause she made everything feel smoother in a way I ain’t know I needed. She didn’t overdo it or treat me like I was helpless, but she kept her eye on me, checkin’ in, makin’ sure I was straight, and with her bein’ my doula, she already knew what I neededbefore I even said it out loud. This was her first grandbaby, and I could tell she was excited about deliverin’ her, even if she kept it together on the outside.
Me and Kay’Lo still wasn’t right, and that part fucked with me every day in a way I couldn’t shake. It wasn’t like we was fightin’ every second or goin’ at each other like before, but it wasn’t love the way it used to be either, and that space in between felt worse than all the shit we been through.
He made it clear he wasn’t sleepin’ in no other room, though, and I knew better than to even suggest it again ’cause the way he looked at me the first time I said it told me everything I needed to know. No matter what we had goin’ on, I was his wife, and I was carryin’ his baby. In his mind, that meant he wasn’t goin’ nowhere.
The past few weeks had been like walkin’ on somethin’ thin. It literally felt like everything was one wrong move away from crackin’ again.
With the trial still goin’, I could tell how his day went just by how he came in the house. Some days he would be quiet, movin’ around like he had a lot on his mind, barely sayin’ much but still present, still checkin’ on me and makin’ sure I had what I needed. Other days he sat for a minute before even speakin’, like he was carryin’ somethin’ heavy that he wasn’t tryna drop on me. Although he never went into detail, I could feel it.
I hadn’t been to court in a long time, since he told me months ago that I wasn’t goin’ no more ’cause of my safety.
Echo’s murder was still bein’ talked about, too, and even though they couldn’t physically tie Kay’Lo to it, the case was still open. That tension just sat in the background like it was waitin’ on somethin’ else to happen. It made everything feel heavier. It was like no matter what we did, we couldn’t fully breathe. And the whole time, I tried my best not to think about it, just ’cause I knew I was responsible for the shit. I knew my actions addedmore stress to my husband, so I tried my best to stay away from the subject, hopin’ the hype would eventually die down.
The house had been quiet as hell, too, with the exception of Sha’Nelle comin’ and goin’. I hadn’t even seen Pluto or Pressure in almost two weeks, which wasn’t normal at all, but I ain’t even have the energy to think much about it ’cause I was already dealin’ with too much in my own space.
And even with all that…
Kay’Lo still took care of me. Every single night he bathed me himself, like it wasn’t even a question. He’d sit me down and handle me slow and carefully, already knowin’ my body was sore and tired. He washed me, dried me off, and then lotioned me up from head to toe, makin’ sure not one part of me was neglected. His hands would move over me, strong but gentle at the same time. Sometimes, I’d just sit there and watch him like… damn.
Even when he wouldn’t kiss me, he kissed all over my belly. He would talk to My’Love like she could hear him clear as day, pressin’ his lips against my skin, lettin’ his hands sit there like he needed to feel her move. I ain’t even gon’ lie… that shit hurt sometimes.
It hurt watchin’ him love on our baby like this while keepin’ that same distance from me, but at the same time, I let him have it ’cause I knew that was his way of connectin’, and showin’ up, even when everything between us wasn’t right.
For weeks, every night we went to sleep with our backs turned to each other, lyin’ in the same bed but feelin’ miles apart. I would just lay there, starin’ into the dark, wishin’ he would just turn over and pull me close the way he used to, and the way he always did no matter what we had goin’ on. It got to the point that I would find myself waitin’ on it, hopin’ for it, and every night that it ain’t happen felt like a reminder that our marriage was really in a fucked up place.
Even in the mornings, he still made sure I had breakfast. He had me eatin’ right, had specialists comin’ in the house to check on me, makin’ sure I was restin’ and movin’ the way I needed to. He even had me doin’ light workouts with him, so my body stayed active for labor. He ain’t slack up on none of that, and I couldn’t take that away from him, even if I wanted to.
I had been talkin’ to My’Love more, rubbin’ on my stomach, and bondin’ with her in a way that made me feel like I wasn’t alone in this, even when things with me and Kay’Lo felt off.
Right now, I was sittin’ between his legs on the shower bench, naked, with warm water runnin’ over me while he worked his fingers through my hair.
He ain’t have on nothin’ but his briefs. His chest was damp, and his arms flexed every time he moved his fingers through my scalp, workin’ the shampoo in slow like he had all the time in the world.
The water hit my back and slid down over my stomach. I let my eyes close for a second, just feelin’ it, feelin’ Kay’Lo behind me and the way his body was right here but still felt so far at the same time.
He leaned forward a lil’ and grabbed the shower head, rinsin’ my hair out, makin’ sure he got everything, then went back in with the conditioner, his fingers movin’ through my hair again like he knew exactly what he was doin’.
I missed him in a way that went deeper than just him bein’ here with me physically, ’cause even though he was right here, touchin’ me and takin’ care of me, it still felt like the part of him that used to be mine had pulled back all the way, and I was stuck tryna figure out how to reach him without pushin’ him even further away.
I missed the way he used to look at me, the way he used to touch me without thinkin’ and the way he used to just pull meinto him like it was natural. And most of all, I missed his juicy ass lips that I hadn’t felt on mine in weeks… literally weeks.
Without even thinkin’, I leaned my head back against his shoulder, lettin’ it rest there while I tried to just sit in the moment. For a second, he ain’t move at all, but then his arms came around my waist. Then, I felt his hand slide over my stomach, spreadin’ it across my belly while he felt for his baby.
“She big,” he muttered low.
I let out a soft breath. “I know…”
His hand moved slow over me, like he was takin’ it in, or like he needed to feel it for real. For a second… it felt like us again.
After he finished, he dried my hair off, helped me get dressed without rushin’ me, then sat me down and grabbed the blow dryer, runnin’ it through my hair before oilin’ my scalp like he had learned just enough to get by.
When he pulled my hair back into a ponytail, I almost laughed.
“That shit crooked,” I muttered.
