“I am well aware of that fact, madam. Since she saw fit to speak to you about it rather than myself, I must conclude that she does not think I can improve matters. Your intervention, Mrs. Reynolds, is as pointless as it is inappropriate.”
“Don’t give me that.” she snapped, making him flinch as he had as a scolded child.
The same memory must have occurred to him. Darcy still looked petulant but stopped trying to be aloof. His shoulders stooped wearily and he gestured for the woman to sit down. Normally, Mrs. Reynolds would have (quite rightly!) refused. A servant sitting alongside the master of the house like an equal? Absurd! But, given the circumstances, she relented enough to perch in the furthest-away chair.
“I know that Elizabeth is unhappy.” Darcy said with none of his previous arrogance. Instead, he looked painfully vulnerable, “I do not know how to change that, Mrs. Reynolds. It is good thatshe confides in you, and I should not resent it. Perhaps you can speak to her when I cannot, as when she is angry, she does not listen to me. I only ask that if she tells you anything that may help…”
“She is sometimes quick to anger, but she has no idea how to resolve this, now. She said you spoke harshly to her but admits that she was too upset and embarrassed to listen.” Mrs. Reynolds asked, “Can you not simply apologise?”
“I tried to, as soon as I saw that I had caused offence. She thought I said...”
“Oh, I know what shethought!I have heard all about it.”
Darcy winced, “She heard one word, Mrs. Reynolds, and clung to it. I said that I was disgusted by my own behaviour, but she took it personally, as if I had calledherdisgusting. Why would I say something so cruel? Doesn’t she know that I would never…?”
“No. No, she doesn’t know anything of the sort, sir. She does not know you as I do.”
“I have tried to amend that.”
“Yes, but it takes a lifetime to know a life, sir. And it only takes one fragile moment to make you doubt everything you know.”
The man stood up to pace. It was not a conscious movement, more the deliberate infliction of nervous energy being scuffed into the carpet one step at a time. Mrs. Reynolds watched him for a moment and then spoke more carefully.
“You should know that a few hours before you argued, Mrs. Darcy confided in me. She was worried that she had offended you and feared you would see her as a… as a woman of a certain type, sir. Disgusting was exactly the kind of word she feared, and you chose to say it.”
Darcy groaned and ground the heels of his hands against his temples.
“I must say more, sir.”
“Yes, why stop there?” he smiled humourlessly, “What else did she tell you?”
“Nothing, sir. These are not her words, but my own. You must try to understand how she feels. Mrs. Darcy puts on a brave face, but everything you know and love is new and frightening for her. She has been thrown into a new life, a new home, a new family… and now, a new experience. Not all of those novelties are unpleasant, sir, but Mrs. Darcy has had nothing comforting and familiar to cling to. Until yesterday she spoke of you, sir, as if you were the only anchor she had. Today, I am sorry to say, she could not even say your name.”
“Because I…” Darcy cleared his throat, “Because I lay with her?”
“No, sir. Because afterwards, when she needed you most, you were gone. By the time you came home she was already convinced of your dislike - and yes, sir, you should not have used the word ‘disgusting’. I do not believe either of you felt anyrealregret until you opened your foolish mouth, sir.”
Darcy clenched his jaw so hard that Mrs. Reynolds could see a tic pulsing in his cheek.
“I told her that… that our time together was not terrible. I made it clear that I felt ashamed forotherreasons.”
“Mm. You told a young woman, on the most vulnerable day of her life, that giving herself to you - whether drunk or not, sir, that is what she did - was less important to you than your own pride. You are a fool indeed, sir, if you do not understand why Mrs. Darcy is upset, and why she is reluctant to seek you out.”
“Then what can I do?” he demanded, “Tell me, Mrs. Reynolds. Whenever I think I am doing the right thing, she becomes irrational. I do not understand her, and so I cannot trust my own judgement. What does she need? If I go and speak to her now, and explain my misunderstanding, then surely she would…?”
The woman sighed. “Honestly, sir, I think she needs time alone. The more you press her for forgiveness, the worse she will feel. Do you love her, sir?”
Darcy swallowed hard. “With all of my heart.”
“Then love her, sir. Love her in silence and distance, in gestures and all the small and gentle ways, without any expectations. Show your wife that you love her as much as she loves you.”
“Then will she forgive me?” he asked urgently. A hopeless expression, childish and afraid, made his eyes wide. Mrs. Reynolds stood up to rest her hand on his shoulder. He had been a boy the last time she had done it, and was rather a lot taller now, but it still felt perfectly natural to comfort him.
“Does it matter, sir, if she is happy?”
He breathed in harshly and then slowly, slowly let it out. “No. I suppose it does not. As long as she is happy, I will be content.”
“Good.” the woman said and brushed off her hands as if they had just finished dusting a shelf. “Get to it, then, and don’t make me scold you again, sir.”
