Pleased to hear civility in his tone, rather than the coldness from before, Elizabeth assured him that she had spent a very pleasant night indeed in her comfortable room.
Indeed, it had been far more than she had hoped for. Unlike most blushing brides, Lizzie knew for a fact that her husbandhad no intention of coming into her room. The weight of unpleasant suspense was lifted from her and she had slept deeply.
“It was the first time I did not have nightmares in weeks.” she murmured and then realised that she had spoken aloud. Had Darcy heard her? Perhaps the brash morning chorus had drowned her out. The birds were certainly shrill enough to wake the dead - but perhaps not loud enough to dull her husband’s sharp ears.
“Mr. Darcy, I can only apologise to you for what I said yesterday. I was suspicious and… and cold towards you. It was not my intention to hurt your feelings. I do not know why I behaved so badly. I cannot comprehend my own feelings in the matter, I am only ashamed of them.”
Darcy was silent for a while, and then spoke softly, “This year has been hard for you, has it not?”
Lizzie shook her head guiltily. “No, not for me. Jane…”
“Her troubles do not invalidate your own. You are allowed tofeelthings, Miss Bennet. You are allowed to be angry at me, for example. My temper yesterday was inexcusable, and I must also apologise.”
“What provoked it, sir? Was it me?”
“Of course not. I would like to say that it wasn’t me, either. I have stopped drinking, but it still has a damnable hold over me. I have avoided taking communion for months, but yesterday I could not avoid it. I had thought I had some measure of self-control - that I could distract myself by thinking of pleasant things - but it grew inside me like a tiger. The smallest provocation… but I shall not speak of it. It was not your fault, but my own hubris.”
Elizabeth chewed her lip, “Is it likely to happen again, sir?”
“I hope not, but I cannot promise.” He looked sidelong at her, hands clenching and unclenching with unconscious nervousness, “I willtry,Elizabeth.”
“Oh.” she had no other answer. She had needed to fight hard not to let him see the shiver of icy fear that made her shift in her seat. It seemed safer to change the subject back to his original question. “You must not confuse Jane’s troubles with my own.”
“I do not see you as your sister’s shadow, Miss Bennet. Nightmares do not come from a peaceful mind.”
Elizabeth picked a leaf from a scrubby vine which was trying to crawl up a stone wall. She rolled it between her fingers, studying the brown ugliness. How was it that Mr. Darcy had found her weary heart so easily? Last night he had been a thorn in her side. This morning, he was compassion itself.
The urge to be honest was too pressing to resist. He was right. For so long, Lizzie had hidden her pain. What good could it do? It would have made Jane feel even worse to know that her sister was unhappy. It had stayed inside her chest, pressed into a tight little box, and now the joins were starting to split. Elizabeth felt raw emotion crashing over her with every snap.
It was over.Over.
She realised that she had been silent for a long time, and that her trembling fingers had lost their grip on the leaf. The thought of it crushed into the mud behind them seemed breathtakingly sad. Everything seemed sad.
Elizabeth told Darcy what she could manage. He listened. He did not venture any opinions (there were none to be made) but his eyes fixed on hers and did not look away.
“May I say something to you, Miss Bennet?” he asked when she finished. When Elizabeth nodded, he ran his fingers lightly along the sharp ridges of a slate wall. “Miss Bennet, I know that your every waking thought has been for your sister. Every moment of every day… I understand that agony more keenly than anyone else in the world. It nearly destroyed me.”
“It hurts.” Lizzie whispered.
“It does. I hope I have done something to ease that pain… but it is not enough. It is still there, madam: in your heart and in your soul. In your eyes, when you tell me that you do not deserve to be happy. I would like to help you, but I cannot when you insist on pushing me away.”
“I am not the only one! You called me ‘Miss Bennet’.” she reminded him.
“I did. It was to a purpose. I cannot allow a repeat of yesterday’s disagreement. It reflected poorly on both of us. I do not think you intended to hurt me, and I certainly did not mean to hurt you.”
Lizzie looked down, biting her lip, and Darcy sighed.
“You agreed to this marriage, Elizabeth, but I cannot pretend that you did so willingly. Your mother drove you to it just as ruthlessly as she did to your sister. I cannot possibly understand how you feel right now.”
“You are just as trapped as I, sir.”
“No. I had the luxury of choice. I did nothaveto do anything. I had ample opportunity to find out about you before I made my offer. You had only desperation and know nothing of me. Your courage, Miss Bennet, was profound. I respect that very much.”
“I thank you for the compliment, but I still do not understand. What is your meaning?”
“It is this: I would have you at my side willingly, not by duress. We can begin as friends, can we not? I shall call you Miss Bennet, for I know you were forced to take my name. If, in time, you would like to become Mrs. Darcy, I will be glad. But I put that choice entirely into your hands, Elizabeth.”
Elizabeth choked back a retort, then could not catch her breath for another, sensible reply. It was simpler to lean forward and catch his hand, squeezing it tightly until his fingers interwove warmly with her own.
