The man had been rather still in her arms, with every muscle uselessly tensed against an imaginary assault. Now, he sagged and let out a shaking breath.
“Angel, I…”
Elizabeth shook her head sternly. “No, Fitzwilliam Darcy. I amnotan angel. My name is Elizabeth, and I know how it feels to be afraid. May I tell you, my dearest?”
“That you were afraid?”
That you are notalone.The way that you feel is consuming and humbling, but it is not meant to be suffered alone. You are not the only one who cannot breathe, but I know that at this moment it must feel that way. I cannot help you, sir, but I can tell you what helpedme.”
Darcy met her eyes and nodded. His arm crept around her shoulders and, with a tiny smile, Elizabeth cuddled up against him. Closing her eyes, thinking only of the feel of his chest rising and falling and his comforting, familiar scent, she remembered the worst day of her life.
“Last year, I found a man lying beneath a tree. Whatever my thoughts became afterwards, in that moment they were afraid. I hadlearnedto be afraid of men in the full possession of their wits, and so I could only imagine how much worse a man might be without them.
I have never admitted this to Jane, sir, but that was the day when I could have saved her.
That was why I was alone. By the time I found the man beneath the tree, I was as broken as he.
That morning, unknown to even my parents, Mr. Collins sought me out. He had been soundly rejected by Jane the night beforeand was determined to stand his ground. He knew that my sister’s gentleness could not withstand him, but that she would draw upon my strength time and again to help her resist. So, that morning, he came to me.
Mr. Collins did not ask me to stop helping Jane, or to try to help convince her. He did not laud his own merits to me, nor bother to reassure me of his love for my sister. No, he had another idea entirely. It was as if he was bartering for meat at the butcher’s.
He told me that if he married Jane, he would spend the rest of his life making her regret rejecting him. If I wished to save her from such misery, sir, then I must marry him in her stead. He did not want to be humiliated a second time. Blackmail was the better option.
He smiled at me, when he spoke, in a manner that sickened me. I felt as if I was already his property. It was like my arms and legs and feet and hands were already at his command. I was so frightened, sir. I could not answer. Mr. Collins allowed me the morning to consider his compromise and warned me that I must make a decision before sunset.
Ifled.I ran until my feet ached, then walked until they bled. Away and back, time and again. Away from him. Back, for my poor Jane. Both directions filled me with terror.
How could I choose? How could I think? I could notbreathe.
Then I saw a man lying beneath a tree.
I was afraid. Deathly afraid, for my mind could only clutch at darkness by then. But it drew away a little, for this was something I couldchange.I could not solve my own problem, but I could at least help the man beneath the tree.
A little thing. One little difference, but it changed my thinking entirely.
I went home and told Mr. Collins that he had been rejected a second time, and that I would spend every scrap of my strength keeping Jane away from him. He told me that I was a wicked wretch who would never marry. I refused to be intimidated - I threw my head back and laughed in his face! I told him that he might marry, but he would never, ever be loved.
I began my opposition that very day, sir, not by trying to solve one big problem, but by making a thousand little changes. They chipped away at the fear and the crushing weight and slowly made things easier.
I could not force Mr. Collins from Longbourn, but I could take Jane away from him. I found charities, puppies to walk, noble causes to champion and herbs to gather. Sometimes we were only in the house to sleep and could go for a full day without seeing our odious cousin at all.
I could not change my mother’s heart, but I could distract her when she was fixated on a scheme, so that it did not overwhelm us. I found allies among the servants and our friends in the town, and we made it so that Jane would be protected wherever she went.
It worked, did it not? I never triumphed over the big problem - but the small helps kept us afloat for long enough for you to intervene. Now, when I face a staggering foe, I try to look for small… smallhelps.”
Darcy smiled and stroked her hair, “Tell me mysmall help, angel.”
She sighed but did not correct him for calling her an angelagain. “How about: ‘I cannot change the false opinions of an entire town, but I can earn the respect of the people who matter’?”
“I suppose it works the other way, too.” Darcy sighed, predictably seeing banal logic in pretty sentiment, “You can cause harm just as easily, in small and thoughtless ways. I should apologise to the maid.”
“That would be a good start.” Elizabeth smiled cautiously, “Are we going to walk back to Pemberley, my love?”
He shook his head. “I shall take my lesson, angel. We will try it your way.”
Chapter 84
Georgiana Darcy sat beside her aunt in the church. it was a bitterly cold day, with a sharp biting wind chasing in yet more dreary sleet. The church was warmer, thank God (and his rector, Mr. Mellboth, who had spent all morning lighting candles and braziers). Still, it was not a pleasant temperature, and most of the congregation were shivering.
