I’m sure he didn’t mean it.
I don’t know...He was quick to say it. Probably his true feelings coming to light.
Ugh, I hate him!
No, you don’t,my wolf says.
... No, I don’t.Andthat’smy problem.
Whatwas I thinking? Iwasn’tthinking. I’m a rogue, and he’s the future alpha whose father I killed.Of coursewhat we did meant nothing to him.Of coursehe felt nothing for me.Weare nothing. Despite what he made me feel, I’m not special. I’m just another notch under his belt.
That must be it.
The way he looked at me, the way hetouchedme and the things he said—I made it up. All of it. I misread our time together as a mutual feeling was simply just of lust and convenience.
He could never care for me. Even if he did, heshouldn’tcare for me. Despite how horrible he was, I still didn’t deserve him—not after what I did.
Caleb is my karma. The Goddess’s cruel way of getting back at me for what I’ve done. And dammit, did it hurt.
Even if I hadn’t killed his father, I’m damaged goods. I’m not pure. I’m not pretty. I don’t have curves to die for.
When is it my turn to be loved? Wanted? Cared for? Cherished?
I’d experienced every kind of pain. But I didn’t even consider heartache. Scarred, bruised, and now broken, too? I don’t stand a chance.
The pain is bubbling up inside me, and no amount of tears can get it out. But I need to release it from my body.
What a lousy birthday.
I need to do something. So I call on my wolf, letting her come forward just enough for my finger to transform into a claw. Taking my talon to my wrist, I slice.
Chapter FORTY-FIVE
Caleb
That night, I couldn’t sleep. Without the sound of Jay’s mouth breathing, I was too undisturbed. Without her constant tossing and turning, I had too many blankets. Without her night terrors, I didn’t have an excuse to hold her until they went away.
What’s more, her scent still lingers, haunting me. I’d wash the sheets, but that’d be the second stupid thing I’ve done in the past twenty-four hours.
I couldn’t stand being in there much longer.
My wolf and I escaped to the forest, where I ran as fast as I could away from what I’d done.
I fucked up.
I’m glad she didn’t just take what I said lying down but from the pain in her voice, on some level, she internalized it. She should’ve done more. Iwishshe had done more. Yell at me, call me names, even punch me—hell, I deserved it.
She’s not the monster.
I am.
I can’t believe I snapped like that. She didn’t deserve itat all.It’s no excuse, but the pressure got to me. I finally got out of my own way to forgive her and tell her how I truly feel, when everything imploded.
I’m not sorry for setting fire to the ones who hurt her, but I am kicking myself because of what it’s led to now.
Thisis why I try so hard never to let shit get to me. I pride myself on my ability to stay calm. It was my superpower in a way—it made me feel impenetrable. Drunk on my own “power,” with too much of it, it became my kryptonite. I kept everything in, trying to pretend like nothing bothered me. But in the end, I took myself out and dragged Jay down with me.
The only person she needed protection from was me. Her expression... I did that to her. And it’ll haunt me for the rest of my life.
