“Then let’s study together. Come on!” I reach over and shake his notebook. “You can lecture me on chem just the way you like! I’m going to flunk this final exam if you don’t help me.”
He drops his highlighter on the table. “You don’t need me. You’re just scared to do the work on your own.”
“What? No, I’m not.”
“Yes, you are. It’s your pattern.” He waves at my notes. “You never see things through to the end. As soon as something gets hard, you get scared and run away.”
“I don’t do that.”
“No? What happened after that crap with Andy? You ran off to England rather than deal with it. And when Dr. Allen wanted to nominate you for tutoring? You immediately said no even though it could’ve been a great opportunity. And I bet you haven’t looked further into your gardening either. Who knows where that could take you if you’d push yourself to really explore it? But you’re always running away to something new and easy and superficial.”
I sit back in shock.
“You’re so afraid to let yourselftryfor anything, Ellie.” He leans across the desk toward me, his dark eyes flashing. “To really put yourself out there and see where the chips fall, even if that means you fail and have no excuses.”
“Do you not remember my infamous video, Dev?” I whisper. “That’swhat I get when I risk it all and put myself out there. I get squashed like a big fat bug.”
“Screw that video! Who gives a shit what that jerk did? Are yougoing to let that define the rest of your life? Are you never going to go after anything you really want?”
“And who are you to judge? You’re sitting here studying anatomy when you know damn well that you don’t even like medicine!”
“It doesn’t matter what I like. I’mgoodat anatomy. I’ll be a good doctor. Not everything can just be about me, me, me all the time. Maybe you have that luxury, but I have to take my whole family into consideration. What they want matters too.”
“So you’ve talked to your parents and they’ve said absolutely no to art history?”
He clamps his mouth shut.
“They’ve told you they’ll never forgive you if you pursue something other than medicine?”
His eyes narrow into a glare.
“Exactly! I knew you hadn’t brought it up.”
“Oh please, you’re one to talk.”
I splay my hands on the table and half stand. “What the hell do you think I’ve been doing here, Dev? Taking the leap to come here when I knew nobody? Joining classes that are harder than anything I’ve ever done before? Believe me, I’m trying. And if you’ve got me all figured out, then how do you explain Will? Are you saying it’s not a risk to be with him?”
His expression darkens at my last words. “Oh, don’t get me started on Willoughby.”
“Stop calling him that.”
“Stop calling him by hisname? Should I stop calling you Ellie too?” He rubs a hand down his face. “Do you even realize how absurd that is? That this guy doesn’t know which name you goby? And now you’re going to keep this up incollege? If you really think you’re taking a risk with him, you’re more screwed up than I thought.”
I stand and Dev stands with me, both of us arched toward the other. Our faces are close enough that I can smell his peppermint gum.
“He. Doesn’t. Know. You. Your entire relationship is a charade because you’re so scared that if he knows the slightest thing about you, he might not like you anymore. And you’d rather be in a fake relationship than try for something that might be messy and difficult andgreat.”
I jerk back. We stare at each other in silence. My heart is racing and my hands are shaking and I’m too angry to think straight.
I grab my things. “I’m not going to stay here and listen to this anymore. I’m leaving.”
“Of course you are.” He throws his hands in the air. “Why stay and talk about something real when we can fill our conversations with meaningless chatter and bullshit?”
“Nothing I ever said to you was bullshit.” I shoot him one last glare and rush out the door.
Chapter
36
