I grab one of the reference books to look up more facts about Waterhouse’s life, but only one fact stays in my head. I’m seeing Will tomorrow and when I do, I have to break up with him. I can’t pretend I feel the same way about Will that I do for Dev. I was so oblivious for all these months and now it’s so clear. Dev’s snarky humor and his teasing smiles and the way he always knows exactly what to say to get under my skin and make me laugh at the same time. I don’t know how I was so blind before... or why Dev is still so blind now.
Chapter
39
The next morning, I’m too jittery to sleep. Will and I aren’tmeeting in Northampton until noon for his lunch break, but I decide to leave early. The city is even more charming in December. Twinkling Christmas lights and wreaths decorate the storefronts and there’s a festive, cheery energy in the air. Will gave me an address, and I’m expecting it to be a restaurant, but instead it’s an open-air market like the one where we met, except this is a Christmas market. Pine and cinnamon waft through the air and wooden stalls decorated with garlands line the walkways. I’m surrounded by a sea of lights and Christmas trees and enough ornaments and knickknacks to fill a cathedral. I might as well be standing in the North Pole. It’s delightful but I’m too nervous to truly enjoy it.
He didn’t specify a particular meeting spot in the market, and I’m close to an hour early, so I distract myself with shopping. I find a knitting needle ornament for Sage and a bowling ball for Huan. He’ll get it, even if no one else remembers. I continue meandering up and down the aisles before eventually stopping in my tracks at a blown glass ornament of a snitch. Memories of Dev and melaughing hysterically in the rain flood through me. He’ll love it. I can already imagine his expression when he first opens it. The shine in his eyes, followed by a mischievousness at the secret he’s kept from everyone but me.
My heart squeezes at the image and it strengthens my resolve. After I’ve talked to Will today, I have to suck up all the courage I have left and tell Dev how I feel. He might have other plans for the end of his senior year, but I don’t want to spend these next months pretending around him the way I did with Will. I’m willing to risk the heartbreak again. Because he was right about me all along—I’ve been running and hiding and changing myself to fit molds I don’t even recognize. I’m done running now. And if that means getting hurt, then so be it. It’s better than trying to be someone I’m not.
“Elle?”
Will strolls down the aisle toward me, still so handsome in his peacoat, but my heart doesn’t leap at the sight like it once did. Instead, cold dread rolls through me.
“What do you think?” He gestures around us at the stands. His eyes are bright with excitement, his cheeks pink from the cold. “Isn’t it great?”
“It’s beautiful here.” I quickly hand the snitch to the person running the booth.
“What’s that?” Will asks. “You’re buying a flying ball?”
I stare up at him. He’s still gorgeous and charming and breathtakingly British. But he’s also very,verydifferent from me.
I sign my receipt with shaky hands and walk down the path a few steps.
“Can we find a place to sit? I thought we could talk a bit.”
“Yes, definitely,” he replies. Either he doesn’t notice my tone or he’s ignoring it. “There’s a place up ahead that’s supposed to have the best mince pies.”
I let him lead me to the stand but pull him to an outdoor table before we can order. I take a steadying breath and force myself to meet his eye. I can’t believe I’m about to do this—or that I’m in this position to begin with—but I know I don’t have a choice.
“Will, you are such an amazing person, but... but I don’t think we should keep dating.”
His eyes bulge. “Wait...what? Are you... you can’t possibly be breaking up with me?”
“It’s just...” My mind flails for something to say that’s truthful but not hurtful. I don’t think those words exist. “I’m just not sure we’re compatible. We... we have different interests and things.”
“What are you going on about? We have the same interests.”
“Those are your interests,” I whisper. My face is hot and my throat burns. “I make fairy gardens. And I like unicorns, and Jane Austen, andMind the Gapshirts.” I take a deep breath. “And I don’t like beer... or cricket. I just learned about it to make you happy.”
“You did?” The pain and confusion in his voice make me nauseous.
“I am so, so sorry,” I whisper. “I never meant to hurt you. I... I didn’t think you’d like me if you knew much about me.”
“Because I’m that much of an arse?”
“No, the opposite. You were too perfect.”
“This is about someone else, isn’t it? That wanker, Dev.”
I can’t deny that. But it’s not only about Dev. Without knowingit, Will forced me to figure out who I really want to be. And I don’t want to be Elle any longer.
“Did you even care about me?” Will whispers furiously. “Or was I just a way to make him jealous?”
“No, of course not! I would never do that.”
“How should I know? It sounds like you’re a pretty skilled liar.” He glares into the distance. “And I’ve seen how he looks at you.”
