As Amanda and I both stand to retrieve the pies, Kate says to the whole room, “I’m excited! I’ve never been to Vail.”
Alex is as white as a ghost. For a moment, I feel sorry for him…but the feeling passes quickly.
Inside the kitchen I’m alone with Amanda, gathering plates, flatware, and pies.
“I can’t believe he brought her,” she says.
“Well, he did. And you invited both of them to your wedding.”
When I look across the center island to Amanda, I see realization finally shine into her eyes. “I did, didn’t I? He’ll never bring her, will he? All the way to Vail? On New Year’s?”
“Are you asking me if I think Alex will bring her?”
“I don’t think he would. Do you?”
“It’s less than a month and a half away? If he’s still dating her, he’ll bring her. He won’t be able to tell her no because he’s still learning how to use his big boy words.”
I hate insulting Alex to Amanda, but I’m exhausted by the whole situation. I’m tired of pretending to Alex’s family that he’s perfect, which is what I’ve always done, which is actually the reason they like me so much. Because I never put down their precious Alex. I know deep down they think the divorce was my fault, due to some affair that wasn’t an affair at all.
“Whoa, Dani.”
“Whoa what, Amanda? Bringing her here on Thanksgiving…with her kid? It’s confusing for everyone. It’s confusing for the boys especially.”
“Maybe he’s actually in love with her?” One thing that is undeniable about everyone in Alex’s family is that they’re loyal. Her expression isn’t antagonistic, it’s more inscrutable. Almostlike she’s playing devil’s advocate. “Maybe he’ll eventually marry her.”
I’m just blinking across the island at Amanda, debating on how to respond to this. “I know this is hard to believe, Amanda, but you don’t know your brother as well as I do.”
“What? Of course I do. Look, Dani, I know this is hard for you.” She pauses. Her expression changes from speculative to sympathetic. “IknowAlex. I’m not sure what you meant, but I know this can’t be easy for you.”
“I’m fine. I really am. I just meant that I know he’s not going to marry her…and I know he’s not in love with her. I’ve seen Alex in love before, remember?”
Brenda enters the kitchen. “What’s taking so long? That girl is on her own planet out there. I have no idea what she’s talking about.” We both know Brenda is referring to Kate.
“We were actually just talking about that,” Amanda says.
“About why your brother has his head up his ass?” Brenda spits back. I’m shocked. She’s never talked about Alex that way, and she rarely curses.
“Wow, Mom,” Amanda says.
“Well, we all know Alex isn’t serious about her. Why would he bring her to Thanksgiving? Just to confuse the kids?”
I look at Amanda and raise my eyebrows.
“I don’t think Alex realizes,” I say. “Maybe he does now, but I don’t think he thought about it when he asked her to come.” Not quite sure why I’m defending him.
Later that night, Alex offers to stay with the boys to give me a couple of extra days since he knows I’m slammed with the show. The clinic is closed for the long holiday weekend, so it makes sense anyway. He also made a point to mention that he’d be taking Kate home first. I don’t really know how serious they are, but I know Alex doesn’t want to push the envelope, whichwould be taking his girlfriend to our family home with our children. Though we’ve never said it, that house is off-limits. He knows that.
I’m at the apartment alone now. Even though I did a stellar job of looking like I didn’t care, today has been emotionally draining. I’ve felt inside-out all day. Kate aside, Alex and I were still trying to adjust to being a divorced couple.
There are feelings and memories attached to every holiday. And those memories are compounding the loneliness I feel in the apartment right now. Usually on Thanksgiving, we always ended up having a late-night second dinner with the leftovers. When the boys were young, we’d put them to bed, steal off to our bedroom with a plate of pie, a bottle of wine, and we’d stay up late, feeding each other, talking, rolling around naked, laughing about family dramatics, kissing, exemplifying true intimacy…proving to ourselves once again that we needed only each other. I wonder if he’s doing that with Kate right now.
I go to the record collection and pull an album out blindly. When I see the cover of Eric Clapton’sSlowhand,I know there’s a message written on the sleeve because I can easily remember writing it. It’s not a holiday memory, but one I’ve held on to and thought about many times over the years. I remove the sleeve:
Song 2 “Wonderful Tonight”
Tonight I was obsessing over my post-baby body. I cried at my own image in the mirror and then felt terribly vain for it later. Noah was sleeping. You put this record on, pulled me close, and we danced slowly in the living room.
Earlier that night, Alex and I were arguing about Noah and how to get him to sleep. He was only a couple of months old. Irocked him to sleep every single night in those early days and sometimes it would take two hours of rocking and shushing him. Afterward, I would be exhausted. Alex thought we should sleep train him and let him “cry it out” in his crib.
