We put Noah in the crib and let him cry for fifteen minutes before I went back in and started rocking him. When I finally reemerged, Alex was sitting on the couch in the living room, smiling. “Quitter.”
“I’ll try again tomorrow. It’s too hard.”
He followed me into the bedroom, where I was changing out of a breast milk–drenched T-shirt into another shirt, which I knew would be in the same state in a few hours. I looked at my body in the mirror and cringed. Alex tried to wrap his arms around me from behind. I was shirtless and braless, wearing a pair of sweats. Pulling my arms up over my breasts, I tried to cover myself.
“Don’t,” he whispered. “You’re beautiful.” We hadn’t been together yet since I had Noah, and I still didn’t feel ready. I started crying. “What, Dani?”
“I’m so gross and ugly. I don’t want to do this.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about. You’re beautiful, even more beautiful now.” It seemed like he understood. I believed him.
“I want to put a shirt on,” I told him.
He let go of me. “Put a shirt on. Come out to living room when you’re ready. Let’s have a glass of wine.”
“But—” I was about to argue that I was breastfeeding.
“You can have a glass of wine, Dani.” He smiled and then chuckled, “Maybe he’ll sleep better.”
I laughed and it was a relief. “That’s terrible. I’ll pump and dump.”
“Whatever you gotta do.”
He walked out of the room. I took a two-minute shower and threw on the nicest pair of sweats I could find. I brushed my hair and put on a dab of lip gloss.
The song “Wonderful Tonight”was playing. “Come dance with me,” he said, in a low, playful voice.
As we were dancing, my head on his chest, I said, “This part is harder than I thought.”
“What part is that?”
“The part where I care about my body. I imagined that I wouldn’t. I imagined I’d be proud of my stretch marks, you know? Like a stronger woman, not so shallow. I don’t feel like a woman at all. I feel like a vessel that should be sunk out in the middle of the Pacific.”
Alex’s body shook with laughter. “Oh my god, Dani. You are not a shallow person. You’re being so hard on yourself right now, and then you’re being hard on yourself for being hard on yourself! It’s only been two months. For the record…you look absolutely beautiful to me. I want you just like this. I don’t care what you’re wearing or how many stretch marks you have, or if your hair is done, long, short, makeup, no makeup, fat, skinny, none of it matters.”
“How can you say that? You must have a preference.”
“Because I’m in love with your brain, Dani. I actually reallylikeyou, which I think is just as important as loving you. You’re funny and clever, smart, kind…loving. You’re good at loving me and Noah. Truly, I think you have a rare gift for making people feel loved. You’re exceptional at it.”
The tears came again. I remember I was so emotional. Alex held me for a long time that night as we danced to “Wonderful Tonight.” He said all the right words, and for that moment I believed him, and that’s all that mattered.
—
It’s two days before New Year’s Eve. I’ve been absolutely exhausted lately. Getting ready for the premier of the show has been taxing on everybody, including the kids and Alex. They’ve all had to do their parts picking up the slack. I cannotwaitto get some time off. There were a couple of weeks before Christmas when the boys were with their dad all but two days, while I was either at the office, the set, or in the apartment writing like a madwoman. Christmas came and went. The four of us spent Christmas Eve and Christmas morning together, and Alex and I got along well. He reserved Christmas night for Kate and Tristan, which was fine. I was just happy he didn’t bring them to the house.
Now I’m packing for Amanda’s wedding while the boys are golfing with their dad. For a while, I wondered if I should even go, but Amanda is like a sister to me and everyone in Alex’s family said it would be weird if I didn’t. Kate and Tristan are, in fact, going, as I predicted.
Alex and I are flying with the boys out of LA tonight and Kate and Tristan are coming tomorrow night because she couldn’t get out of work tomorrow. Alex said she was irritated that he wouldn’t wait for her, but he explained that he wanted to fly with his kids, and she’d just have to deal with it. I’m glad, because I think it’s important for Noah and Ethan to see Alex making them a priority.
Weare his family.Iam his family still.Married, divorced, separated, or dead, I am still his family. She’ll have to grow up and accept it.
27
are we good now?
Alexander
Eataly is this giant three-story Italian food haven in Los Angeles with two restaurants, a cannoli bar, an espresso bar, a wine bar, a salami bar, a freakin’ homemade pasta bar, along with endless rows of Italian imported goods. I could literally spend days here. Kate and I are roaming the aisles as we wait to be called to our dinner table
