The server is already on the mission. “How are you gonna get home?” I ask.
“I booked a massage and room at Shutters. I need the massage and peace and quiet to go through a deposition. What about you? How areyougonna get home?” she says in her snarky lawyer voice.
Shutters is a fancy hotel on the beach in Santa Monica. It’s expensive and the spa is even more over-the-top. But Alicia can afford to drop hundreds of dollars on peace and quiet for one night.
“I don’t know. I’ll Uber,” I say absentmindedly as the waiter fills my glass.
“So what’s it like? Sleeping with him?”
“Jacob?”
“No, the pope.”
“It’s good, I guess. Let’s not talk about it anymore.” I’m bummed she’s not being supportive.
She’s exasperated. She takes a deep breath in and out. “I’m sorry I’m being a jerk. I’m seriously curious, though, I want to know what it’s like.”
“Dating him, or just the sex?”
“All of it. I’ll keep my opinions about the situation to myself.”
“Finally,” I say. “It takes an entire bottle of champagne to get you off my back.”
“Tell me everything.” She’s inhaling a plate of eggs Benedict. I’ve pushed mine around, annihilating the twenty-five-dollar eggs and hollandaise.
“It’s fun…We do stuff…It’s nice.”
She stops chewing and looks up at me. “You are an Emmy Award–winning writer and that’s the description I get?”
“Okay, fine. In bed, he’s boring,” I say, like it’s a confession I’ve been holding on to for decades.
“Boring? Jacob?”
“Yes, he’s robotic, like he’s running on a treadmill or something. Just in and out, you know?”
“Really?” She’s genuinely surprised.
“Yeah, and…” I lower my voice. “Like, missionary only.”
“No!”
“Yes.”
“Well, what are you like?” she says.
“I don’t want to tell him what to do.”
“You have to.”
“No, I don’t,” I say. “I like spending time with him. Going to the beach, yoga, riding bikes…”
“So, like,noforeplay?”
“I don’t think he knows where the clitoris is,” I whisper. I feel almost evil saying it out loud. “It doesn’t matter, that’s not why I’m with him.”
“Well, that’s why he’s with you!” she blurts out.
“Shh, quit yelling.”
