We clink glasses, I take a massive gulp and say, “I appreciate you trying to lift my spirits, but I think this celebration is a little premature.” And then I say what I’ve been saying to her for years: “It can’t always be coke and threesomes, Lish.”
“You’re such a buzz kill,” she says. We both know it’s a joke. Alicia hates platitudes or trite sayings, she’s actually a pretty buttoned-up and realistic person. Her wedding involved me, Alex, her and Mark, a justice of the peace, and the courthouse. She’s not about fanfare or party-girl culture. And anyway, we’re in our forties.
Laura stands over me and examines my hair. “It’s lifting. You’re gonna be a blonde soon.”
“Really?” I say, getting excited.
“Not really a blonde. Someday, if you want,” Laura says. “It’ll probably take a year to get you there without frying your hair.You will be lighter after this though. We’re going for a yummy honey.”
“I have no idea what that means, but it sounds delicious,” I tell her. “Oh, Alicia, I almost forgot to ask you…why are you and Mark friends with Jacob Powell on Facebook?”
“Jacob? Oh yeah, we work with Jacob. I always forget you dated him.”
“What? Wait a minute, he’s a lawyer? And how could you forget I dated him? He broke my heart.”
“I was going to tell you awhile back. He’s a financial analyst we use for certain cases. It was completely coincidental that we hired him. I didn’t even realize it was him until we met face-to-face. We’ve been using him for a couple of years.”
I’m in shock. I can’t believe she didn’t tell me. “What? A couple of years? Well, did you guys discuss the fact that he dated your best friend?”
“Yeah, Dani, in the beginning, but I forgot to tell you. It was right around the time your mom got really sick. It didn’t exactly seem like a priority.”
In rapid-fire speak, I ask, “What’s he like? What did he say about me? Did you tell him I’m getting divorced?”
She rolls her eyes. “Calm down, jeez. He’s exactly the same. He looks the same too.”
It’s terrible but I instantly recall an image of us having sex. My face flushes.
Alicia continues. “He’s always off somewhere, here or there, surfing in Costa Rica, building houses in Haiti. The type of work he does gives him the freedom to be anywhere. He does well for himself. Never got married though. No kids.”
“I’m not surprised. But what did he say about me? About our relationship? Did he ask how I was?”
“About your one-year, semi-relationship nearly three decadesago? Hmm…let me think how that conversation went, though I’m surprised you even care,” she says.
It’s not subhuman to wonder if people think about you. There are moments and experiences I had with Jacob that stuck with me. I often thought about Jacob when Alex would be in serious mode, when he’d be all business, no pleasure. I associated Jacob with fun intensity. It wasn’t often, but when I would think about him, I would instantly get a rush of adrenaline. Alex, on the other hand, was security and logic to me. He was there physically, but so often non-participatory on an emotional or psychological level, and it had nothing to do with his intellect. I could be laughing to the point of tears while telling Alex a joke and he would just stare at me. On the other hand, I could be crying hysterically, and he’d just look at me like he didn’t understand why I was upset. I still resent that about Alex. He never seemed to understand how tobetoward me, and he never tried to.
When you’re married, even after so many years, you still want to be your spouse’s number one in everything, but is that even a reality? To be the good, fun, nonjudgmental friend, while also being the lover, parenting and financial partner, and the person you want to cut loose with? Can we desire our spouse enough to reach that level of excitement, lust, passion after years of ups and downs? How can you want something you already have? Alex and I were both at that place when we decided to split. We no longer wanted one another…on any level.
In the beginning of our marriage, I constantly compared Alex to Jacob. While Alex enjoyed being active, getting out and exploring, he insisted on details being meticulously planned out. It was a point of contention for a while, but after a few years I learned to accept it. Every vacation we took was over-researched to the point where there was no surprise in it, no novelty…justan anticlimactic trip that, as a writer, I had already fully imagined in my mind. Jacob represented the opposite to me. Spontaneity, freedom, the thrill of the unknown.
“The memory is a little hazy at this point,” Alicia says. “He mentioned you a couple of years ago, right when we started working with him. He asked how you were and I told him your mother had moved in and was sick. He said to send thoughts and good wishes from him, and I’m sorry, but I forgot.”
“That’s it?”
“Yeah, I mean, he knows you’re married. I’m sure he knows you’re a writer. He can look you up.”
Laura checks my hair again. “Let’s go rinse you,” she says.
We make our way to the shampoo bowl; Alicia follows. I’m still hung up on the Jacob news.
“Does he have a girlfriend?”
“I don’t know. I don’t ask him stuff like that,” she says. She’s humorously frustrated.
“So he’s still hot?”
Resigned, she huffs and then smiles wide. “Yes, he’s still hot. Don’t go getting any ideas though.”
“Single and ready to mingle,” I say, joking.
