“What a great speech,” Mark says. “Congratulations, Dani.”
Everyone else hugs and congratulates her. We’re all trying to hold it together. Dani’s grateful and gracious, but I can tell she’s worn out from the long day. She isn’t saying much.
Once everyone leaves, I’m setting her up in her bed in the living room, where I sleep next to her on the couch. The boys are brushing their teeth upstairs. I lay Dani down and she dozes off almost instantly. As I’m moving around cleaning up, she startles awake with a scream. Something guttural…terrified.
I run to her side. “What is it?”
“I…couldn’t breathe. I just got so scared.”
“It’s okay. You’re okay,” I say, holding her.
“Was I a good person, Alex?” She’s emotional and terrified. She’s looking face-to-face at her mortality and it’s breaking my heart.
“Yes, Dani. You are a good person. You have always been a good person. You are beautiful and aware and in tune with people. You’re compassionate and empathetic. You’ve shown me and the boys how to love. You’ve made loving people a priority and it shows. I havealwaysfelt loved by you. And I have always been entertained by you in the best possible way. Your shows might be a career legacy, but I think the real legacy is how people have learned how to care and love from you.”
She nods. “Thank you for saying that, Alex.”
“It’s all true.”
“You’re the most loyal, reliable, solid person and best friend. You are so good through and through, and the one thing that is giving me any solace right now is knowing that the boys have you when I’m gone. Don’t let them date dumb girls.”
I laugh. “Dani…”
“You know what I mean,” she says. “I just feel like it’s so close and I’m scared that I won’t get to tell the boys everything I want to tell them.”
“You need to start using the computer speech program, Dani, and they’re going to have to do the tracheotomy soon.”
She shakes her head. “I don’t want it. I want to die before that.”
I step away from her bed and just look at her. There is no mercy in this, in making her suffer this way. She’s serious and pleading, and I understand it completely. Dani would understand this if it were someone else.
“I knew it!” I hear Noah yell from the bottom of the stairs, where he must have been eavesdropping. “She wants to leave us. She’s not even trying anymore.”
He runs up the stairs and I can hear him telling Ethan something. Dani looks to me. “Call them down here, please.”
“Dani, you are so tired. You don’t need to do this right now. I will talk to them.”
“Please.” She starts to cry. “Bring me my boys.” It’s been a few weeks since she’s been this emotional. She told me it was getting harder and harder for her to show what she’s feeling and thinking inside.
“Noah, Ethan!” I yell. “Get down here!”
They come into the living room with their arms crossed over their chests. They’re still in denial. There’s no way to tell them how much longer Dani will have, but I don’t think it’s long now. We can all tell how quickly it’s progressing. One of the doctors told me six months would be pushing it.
“Boys, listen to me. Come here, lie with me,” Dani says to them in her slurred speech.
Noah and Ethan look at each other and then up to me. “Lie down with your mom, guys,” I say. They both do, but it’sbegrudgingly, and obvious they’re hurting inside. They’re upset. Of course, they have every right to be.
As well as Dani can, she pulls them close to her sides. I sit down in a chair next to the bed and all four of us are crying. There is nothing we can do. No one can change what’s going to happen and this is the first time all of us are acknowledging it together and accepting it.
After a few minutes Dani collects herself and says, “While I can, I need to talk to you both.”
“Go ahead, Mom,” Ethan says.
“I don’t want either one of you or your dad to be sad for me. I have lived a full life. Think about it. I’ve gotten to live so many lives through the stories I’ve written. My own life was so full and rich too. I’ve traveled, I’ve experienced love and loss. I’ve had the privilege of being a mom to you two. I’m okay with how this story is ending. I need you to be okay with it too.”
Ethan and Noah nod as tears pour from their eyes.
“You will learn everything you need to know about being a good man from your dad, I promise. I thought about making you a list of things I think are important in life. I thought long and hard about it and realized you both have everything you need already. Life is unexpected. There are no perfect rules, no instructions, no manuals I can give you. But there is one thing I know for sure, with absolute certainty…just one thing that is inarguably, without a doubt, going to make your life better, and you need to know what it is and you need to remember it every single day,” she cried.
