I hear the doorbell ring, and I know that it’s Dani’s father coming for a visit. His first and likely his only. Jim isn’t equipped for handling this sort of thing. If I were in his shoes, the worst part would be knowing I was the last member of my family to roam around this planet with none of the people I built my life with. But he’s already been living that way since Ben died. I know this visit is an obligatory one.
I open the door. “Hi, Jim, come on in.” He smiles, but doesn’t say anything. He steps into the entryway and stands awkwardly with his hands in his pockets. I always wondered if he was shy. After two decades of being with Dani, I had barely spoken to him other than surface small talk. It used to be a point of contention. I thought he didn’t like me. After living with Irene, getting to know the normal side of her during her lucid moments, it became obvious their family was more matriarchal. Irene ran the show in many ways, and Jim took a quiet backseat. I think when Ben died and they divorced, Jim just went through the motions of his life, as disconnected as one person could be.
“How have you been?” Jim asks.
“I’m okay. Dani’s outside in the garden. I’ll take you out there in a minute. Did you know the Emmys are on tonight? Dani’s nominated twice.”
“That’s great,” he says with a smile. I’m surprised he doesn’t say he’s proud of her, but I guess he never really has.
Jim is average height, looks a little like Dani, dark hair that’s now completely gray, and light brown eyes. He’s thin, like for twenty years he’s only been eating to survive, and he always wears Levi’s, a white T-shirt, sneakers, and an old Dodgers hat. He must have several of each because I’ve only ever seen him wear that outfit, except for at our wedding, when Dani had to rent him a suit.
Jim follows me to the back door and stops for a moment when we reach the shelves where the record collection is. He looks at them, then glances next to the shelf where Dani’s hospital bed is set up in the living room. There are machines and trays with medications. It looks like a place where someone is setting up to die…and it is.
“She’s outside.”
He nods. I stay inside, he won’t be here long. Dani has had an exhausting day and I don’t want him adding to her stress by being so seemingly aloof.
She’s still sitting in her motorized chair near the peach tree.
“Hello, Dani,” Jim says to her. She smiles a crooked smile. When she talks now, she sounds drunk. In fact, when she was packing up her office to leave and I was helping her, some of the staff on the show, who didn’t know Dani was sick, asked if she was drinking to celebrate the Emmy nods. Dani’s reply to everyone was, “You know it!” She always said it with a smile.
“Hi, Dad,” she says. She seems a little clearer today, but her smile is crooked and her eyes are a bit droopy from the medication.
“I’ll leave you two alone,” I say, and go into the kitchen to pour Jim some iced tea. I take my time so they can talk. It’s only been about five minutes when I start to head back outside and see Jim walking toward me. “Iced tea?” I try to hand him the glass, but he doesn’t take it.
“Actually, I’m going to head out.” He takes an envelope from his pocket and hands it to me. “This is some of my bonus, if you could pass it on to the boys? For their college funds or if they want to buy a new bike or something.” He smiles faintly and then his eyes well up.
“Jim—”
He cuts me off. “I got to go.” His voice cracks, he looks at hisfeet, shoves his hands in his pockets, and walks toward the front door. I doubt I will see him again until the funeral.
After watching him walk out the door, I find Dani, in the same spot. She looks up and smiles at me. “When is…Alicia…coming…”
It’s getting so hard for Dani to talk. “She and Mark will be here around five with the gang. What happened with your dad? Why was he only here for a minute?”
“Don’t let yourself…don’t let yourself…Come here,” she says, and she’s reaching her arms out to me.
I brace the arms of her chair and bend over so that we are eye to eye. “What is it, Dani? Tell me.”
She puts her hands on my face. I know this is difficult for her physically. She pulls me close so we’re mere inches apart. “Don’t let this break you like…don’t be broken like him. For the boys.”
I nod. “I know, Dani. We don’t have to talk about that.”
“Yes, we do. While I still can.”
“No, Dani, we’re going to get that machine set up for you, where you can say anything you want. You have to try and…” Istop myself. I can tell she’s getting irritated, and I don’t want to piss her off.
“Listen to me…please,” she begs. “I can’t even cry. My tears hardly work anymore. I’m crying inside, it’s so frustrating.”
“I know,” I say.
“I want to talk to you now, while I can.” She’s having one of her good talking days, which she knows are few and further between now.
“Okay. I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere. I’ll listen,” I tell her.
About thirty yards behind us, on the other side of the yard, Noah and Ethan are jumping on the trampoline, playing some sort of wrestling game. The springs are loud as they jump andI’m relieved the boys are behaving like they should, playing joyfully even if the moments like this are fleeting lately. Dani and I are about to have a conversation. I’m not sure where it’s going, but I know it’s serious and I know it will take her some time to express herself.
I pull a patio chair over to sit next to her.
