“My dad told me he loved me. He said he wished he would have gotten help for himself. He said he’s felt like an observer of his life. Like he was watching it on a movie screen, because if it came to life, he’d have to walk around with a broken heart forever.”
I nod. “I know, Dani. I think he does the best he can.”
She smiles. “You can’t be that way, Alex. You can’t throw in the towel. The boys need you to show them how tolive,not just exist.”
“You’ve taught them a lot, Dani. What is this really about?”
“Find someone. Don’t take forever either. The longer you wait, the harder it will be.”
“What are you talking about?” I say, and now I’m irritated.
“Put me on your lap,” she says.
I pick her up and set her on my lap. I’m on the verge of tears. Her body is deteriorating by the second. I doubt she even weighs ninety pounds anymore.
“Just say what you want to say, Dani.”
“You’re a relationship person. Find a wife, or a girlfriend at least. Make sure she’s good to the boys—”
“Dani—”
“No, I won’t stop. Make sure she’sintelligent,not just nice, with a good sense of humor. And find someone with a good ass. You really got screwed out of that on your first go-round.”
“I love your ass, Dani.”
“You know what I mean.” She laughs, and it’s been a while, so it sounds amazing to me. I feel her body jerking with laughter.“I don’t feel like I have much more time, or many days where I can find words like this. I want to tell you my wishes and I want you to talk to the boys. I thought about writing them letters, but I don’t think I can anymore, and I don’t want to use that stupid machine.”
“I understand. What are your wishes?”
I’m looking at her and thinking about how beautiful she is. How she’s always been beautiful, inside and out. How she’s the best kind of pain in the ass. How I’m going to miss being frustrated with her. How I’m going to miss everything.
“You’re such a good-looking man, with a great job, and a good heart and soul, and you have these amazing kids that any woman would be lucky to know. Someone is going to be so lucky…I mean, Alex, you’re really good in bed. You’re, like, the best.”
She laughs again and so do I. “Okay, Dani,” I say, and roll my eyes. “What else?”
“I don’t want to be buried in that weird family plot my mom is in,” she says. It’s starting to sound like Dani is getting tired. She’s slurring, but I know she’s determined to tell me what she has to say.
We never made plans for our wishes after death and I’m nervous about where the conversation is going, but she is right. We need to talk about it now before it’s too late.
“What should we do, Dani?”
“I want to be cremated. Put a little bit of me in this garden. Then I want you to call Trevor Locks. The special effects guy on the show.”
I can feel myself starting to smile because I know Dani is either about to tell a joke or ask for something ridiculous. Dani is still inside there. Even though her body is giving out, she’s still in there. “Dani—”
“Listen. I want you to ask him to mix some of my ashes withthat firework stuff and then just shoot me into the air, like grand finale style. I mean I want to go out with a bang, you know?”
We both laugh, but I think she’s serious. “You’re kidding?”
“No,” she says. “Why the hell not? Let the kids have a sense of humor. Don’t take life so seriously. I wish I hadn’t.”
“No regrets,” I say.
“We all have some. Definitely the ice-cream thing at the mall, but not the Beth Zinn punch.”
I kiss her. “I love you so much, Dani. I don’t know what I’m going to do…”
“You’re going to do exactly what I told you. Watch some fireworks, find a new person who makes you laugh and is good to the boys, and live your life. One last thing, Alex?”
