“What do you need?” I asked.
“A friend. I need to get through this year. Everyone in my family doubts me. My dad has to work overtime every week to afford my tuition and all of Kiki’s pageants. I can’t fail them. I’ll be worthless. I will turn to ash in your arms, Gavin, or bones and goo.”
“That is a terrible visual, P.”
“It’s true. Will you wait for me?”
“For how long?”
“I don’t know. Until the end of the year?”
I shook my head. “And then what?”
“And then we’ll explore this. Just know I’m confused. And scared.”
It was painful to see what a lonely person Penny was. She was really hanging on to us being friends because, other than a surface-level relationship with Ling and a mild closeness with her dad, she had no one.
“But just tell me. What do you think will happen if we get together now?”
“I told you. I think it will be great at first, but too much. I think we’ll kill each other and break each other’s hearts. I think I’ll get lost in you and fail my classes.”
She was right, but instead of agreeing with her, which I should have done, I lashed out. I was hurt... so I hurt her back. “You’re not my Carissa, Penny. Not even close.”
She pulled away and glared at me. “I didn’t say—”
“I mean, it’s not like I’m in love with you.”
“What?” Tears sprang from her eyes.
“I just thought we should sleep together. I mean, we’re obviously attracted to each other.”Oh God, what the hell was I saying?
“Let me rephrase it then, Gavin.” She squared her shoulders and frantically wiped tears from her face. “What I should have said was that I’m afraid I wouldn’t be good enough for you, and that you’d break my heart. Is that better? Do you feel good about yourself now?”
I nodded and shrugged like I didn’t give a shit.
“I know my gift was silly, but at least I got you one. You can leave now.”
“Fine. Bye. Merry Christmas,” I said as I walked out. Penny didn’t break like a little girl. She was strong.
When I got into my car, I grabbed the gift I had gotten for her and left it on the doorstep before peeling out of her driveway and screeching down the street.
14.Fourteen Years Ago
PENNY
Sitting on my bed alone, I opened the gift-wrapped box from Gavin that he had left on my porch. It was a homemade CD and a leather-bound journal. I popped the CD into my player and immediately recognized the first song, “Just Like a Woman,” sung beautifully by Gavin.
When I opened the journal, I noticed Gavin’s sloppy handwriting on the inside cover.
For you, Little P, to write down all those thoughts you keep from me. I hope it takes our entire lives to fill this thing up because I want to know everything on you mind... every day. There are no Carissas or Kimbers that have ever made me feel the way you do. Now start writing away. I’ll leave a little quote here to inspire you...
“It’s not what you look at that matters. It’s what you see.”
—Henry David Thoreau
I was crying then. I wasn’t his Carissa. He said he wasn’t in love with me. Why would he be? But why would he write this. Why would he sayevery day?
WE KEPT OURdistance for the rest of the winter holiday break. I got a cell phone for Christmas and called him, but he didn’t pick up. I left a message so he could have my number. He didn’t return my call.
