Julian and Archer and I are just having fun. It’s dating, but it won’t really go anywhere. It’s not like I can keep them both forever.
That nagging voice inside is trying to persuade me to cancel all this and go back to my normal, boring life where I work too hard for too little in other people’s dream restaurants.
But then I hear my mother’s voice.You’re chasing your dreams, Freya.
And I am chasing my dreams, aren’t I? Not just with the restaurant but with love too. Being in a relationship like this one where I feel so seen and treasured was also my dream. Wasn’t it?
Am I a fool for thinking I could have both?
I’m making my way down rue Oberkampf, five minutes late, naturally. The winter wind turns my cheeks red and bites at my nose as I pull my coat and scarf tighter around me. I’ve been anxious all morning, feeling nauseous in a way I have never felt before.
In the distance, I spot Julian and Archer standing out front with a woman dressed professionally in a white flowy blouse, a long peacoat, wide-leg slacks, and heels. As I approach in my corduroy pants and chunky boots, I feel instantly inadequate for this venture.
Archer sees me first, his face lighting up at the sight of me walking toward them.
“Chef,” he says, and I find myself gravitating toward him. Wrapping my arms around his neck, I give him a quick kiss. His body is warm and his touch intimate.
It’s mid-kiss with Archer that I realize I can’t kissbothof them. I can feel the woman watching us with a smile, and I start to panic as Archer releases me. So when Julian puts out a less direct hand for me, I only give him a friendly hug.
I’m filled with instant regret.
As I pull away, I see the moment of consternation on his face. I’ve offended him by kissing Archer and not him. The guilt settles in my bones like rain soaking concrete.
“Freya, this is my agent, Delia Simons,” Julian says in a flat tone.
“Nice to meet you,” I say, reaching a hand out to shake hers.
She replies with enthusiasm before giving us a basic rundown of the property. My mind is racing too much to really soak in the details she’s providing. Then she unlocks the front door, and it all comes flooding in. For some reason, I feel on the verge of tears. Julian is smart and asks all the appropriate questions while Archer stays by my side like a loyal boyfriend.
Delia talks incessantly, which I understand is her job, but I’m feeling overwhelmed. Standing in the middle of an empty, abandoned restaurant, I can’t see how this place is supposed to be mine.
I retreat to the back of the restaurant in need of a quiet space and room to breathe. When I glance upward, my eyes meet Julian’s, and there’s a moment of recognition in them.
“Delia,” he says with authority. “Would you give us a minute?”
“Of course. I’ll be right out front to answer any of your questions.” She pastes a polite, tight-lipped smile on her face and walks out the front door of the restaurant.
“I’m sorry,” I mumble, but the moment my voice escapes my lips, it cracks on my tears.
“Why are you sorry?” Julian asks without an ounce of expression on his face.
“Because I didn’t kiss you but I kissed Archer.”
At the sound of his name, Archer appears behind Julian. Neither of them says a word as I continue.
“And this all feels so overwhelming and surreal and like I don’t deserve it. And I just hear my mother’s voice in my head telling me how hard I worked for this and how talented I am, but every ounce of confidence I exude feels fake. I have to force it. It’s not real. I don’tfeellike the person who owns a restaurant. I’m not there yet.”
A tear slips over my cheek, and I wipe it away, feeling ridiculous for unloading so much on them after looking at just one property.
I keep waiting for Archer to say something comforting or try to make me laugh. Instead, I’m shocked that it’s Julian who steps forward and speaks up.
“Confidenceisfake, Freya.”
I turn to face him, narrowing my eyes. “What?”
“Confidence isn’t real. It’s not bestowed upon the people who earn it. You have to just…act it out.”
A laugh slips through my lips as I wipe another tear away. “That’s easy for you to say, Julian. You’re the most confident person I’ve ever met.”
