There was silence between us for a moment, and then Sam reached out and took my hand tentatively, as if waiting to see if I would pull away.
When I didn’t, he let his thumb run over mine, sending a tingling sensation up my arm. I wanted to press closer as warmth washed over me. I loved how I felt when I was with Sam.
Neither of us spoke for a moment until Sam said, “I’m falling in love with you, Ally. The more I learn about you and your family, the more my feelings grow.”
I was thankful we were facing the fire so I didn’t have to look into his eyes just then, because if I did, I was afraid I might reveal the truth with my own. I was also falling in love. But I couldn’t. Not with Sam. Not now, when I didn’t know what I would do in five weeks.
“I know it’s not the right time,” he said, “and you probably don’t feel the same way I do—”
“Sam.” I put my free hand on his arm and finally turned to look at him.
When our gazes met, I knew that he saw the truth, and hope flickered to life in his eyes.
I swallowed as my chest rose and fell on deep breaths. “I—” I shook my head.
“I know.” He lowered his leg and put his free hand on my cheek. “I know, Ally.”
I pressed into his hand, relieved that I didn’t need to explain. It was hard to put words to my feelings or to describe why I hesitated.
“I’ll do whatever I can to help you,” he said. “And if you need to leave here on your birthday—” He inhaled, as if the very thought was too much to consider. “If it makes your choice easier knowing I’m here to take care of your father and Hazel, I will do it for you. I promise.”
A tear fell down my cheek as I realized that Bess had taken advantage of Sam’s goodness by leaving Johnnie in his care. I couldn’t do that to him—make him say good-bye to another woman he cared about and leave him responsible for two people who weren’t even family. Yet the knowledge that he would sacrificially offer this option to me made me realize how much I loved him.
“Thank you.” It was all I could say as another tear escaped.
His thumb ran over my cheek, just as it had that night the man broke into Bess’s Place. But this time, I knew Sam. I now understood what theMon his thumb meant. It didn’t meanmurderer. It represented sacrifice and protection. And love.
I didn’t shy away from his touch any longer. Instead, I leaned into it.
He laid his forehead against mine. “I want to kiss you.”
I closed my eyes, savoring the feel of his hand on my cheek and his body pressed so close to mine. “I want you to kiss me,” I whispered. I had never wanted something so much in my life.
He took several more breaths, but then he slowly pulled away.
I opened my eyes, confused.
“You’re under my protection, Ally.” He slowly lowered his hand. “We’re alone. I can’t, in good conscience, do something that I would beat another man for doing.”
A slow smile tilted my lips. “It’s just a kiss.”
He shook his head. “Not to me.”
My mood grew serious as he leaned back on the rock, still holding my hand, and studied the fire.
“I’ve never felt this way before,” he said. “It scares me and gives me hope, all at the same time. And I’m afraid if I kissed you, I would only want more than you can give me.”
I leaned my head on his shoulder and knew exactly what he meant.
And I loved him even more for it.
20
October 7, 1929
Hollywood, California
The days of travel with Sam took on a new tone after the night by the fire. Excitement warmed the air as our affection for each other grew. He continued to honor his words to me and never asked for a kiss, but he found ways to hold my hand or touch my cheek or sit near me. At night, especially once we were on the ferry back to San Francisco, he lay a little closer, his hand often finding mine in the darkness. I both anticipated and dreaded returning to Father and the children, not knowing how things might change.
