In some strange way, I did know he was in love with me. But it didn’t matter.
“Your trip to South Carolina is coming at a good time. We both need some distance. Maybe you’ll realize that what you’ve done isn’t acceptable.” I shook my head. “Good-bye, Seth.”
And with that, I walked away from Seth Wallace.
19
AUGUST 8, 1861
WASHINGTON, DC
It had been five days since I’d said good-bye to Seth, and each day I felt better about my decision. He’d tried to call and email me, but I refused to respond. There had been so many red flags along the way that I should have ended it sooner. Now it was time to focus on other things.
As more and more soldiers arrived in Washington, Clara and I could not keep up with distributing all the supplies being sent to her from friends in the North. After checking on Virgil each morning, I joined Clara at her home, and we visited the new hospitals popping up throughout the city. President Lincoln had listened to Clara’s plea and instructed the army to begin acquiring buildings throughout the city to use as military hospitals.
Papa was busy at the White House night and day and had said very little to me since our conversation on the evening he asked me how the war would end. He was usually gone before I woke up and didn’t return until after I was in bed at night. This allowed me to continue volunteering with Clara—though if hefound out, he would be very disappointed in me. Thankfully, Joseph, Saphira, and Goldie kept my secret and even helped when they were able.
It had been two and a half weeks since Virgil had come home with us, and he was healing well. He kept asking when he could return to his regiment, but I wanted him to stay off his leg for another week, if I could restrain him. I didn’t visit with him often, since I tried to honor my father in that regard and only entered his room when necessary.
But it wasn’t just the war effort, Papa, or even Virgil Earp that occupied my thoughts throughout the day. It was Gray—or rather, his absence in my life. He hadn’t come to call or sent a note of explanation since the day after the Battle of Bull Run.
There was talk that the battle had been lost because a spy sent information to the enemies ahead of the fight. With Gray’s absence, I couldn’t help but wonder if he had something to do with the espionage. Had he sent information to Richmond? Was he responsible for the Union loss? Had he gone into hiding or even left to join the South?
I went about my work, day after day, trying not to think about the possibilities.
As I walked home from the C Street Hospital on a sultry August day, it was Gray who was on my mind. The irony of the situation didn’t escape me. In 2001, I could not keep Seth away, and in 1861, I had no idea where Gray had gone.
I took in a breath of humid air and tried not to think about Seth, or the fact that I was just a few days from arriving at the USSSolacein 1941. I chose instead to focus on the here and now. It was the only way I knew not to be overwhelmed and to give each path its own attention.
Lafayette Square appeared ahead of me, the spire of St. John’s Church pointing to the blue sky, and I let out a sigh. I had been invited to Rose Greenhow’s house for a dinner partythat evening, and while I appreciated the invitation, I didn’t feel like socializing.
Papa had left a note with Joseph that morning telling me he wasn’t sure if he could attend the party, but he would try. It might give us the opportunity to talk again, though what we would say to each other, I wasn’t sure. He refused to give up the idea of serving in the military, and I was willfully disobeying him by helping Clara.
All I wanted was a cool bath before changing for the evening festivities. I had been working in the hospital for hours, and the tight, unkempt rooms had left me feeling grimy.
Joseph was at the front door even before I placed my hand on the doorknob. “Good afternoon, Miss Margaret.” His gaze flittered between me and something in the front parlor, anxiety evident in the way he held his shoulders.
I stepped over the threshold, wondering what could make him so anxious—and soon found out.
“Margaret?” It was Papa.
I forced myself to smile as I entered the front parlor, removing my gloves, trying not to look guilty or worried. “You’re home early.”
Joseph closed the front door and scurried out of the foyer, disappearing into the back of the house.
“I wanted to get home in time to prepare for Mrs. Greenhow’s party.” Papa sat on the sofa, his arms crossed. “Imagine my surprise to find you gone.”
“I’m often out during the day,” I told him.
“Were you at the market?”
I untied my bonnet and took it off my head, then focused on straightening out the ribbons. “No.”
“Where were you, Margaret?” He uncrossed his arms and stood. He looked as if he had aged a decade in the past month, with extra lines creasing his mouth and eyes and more gray hair at his temples.
I could not lie to him, nor could I continue to hide the truth. I hated living this way. “I was delivering supplies to the C Street Hospital with Miss Barton.” I didn’t tell him that I had assisted in the care of several soldiers, helping the surgeon on staff there to identify typhoid fever, which was spreading through the wards.
Papa stared at me for a long time, disappointment and pain evident in his gaze. Slowly, he shook his head as if he didn’t know me, and that shattered me.
