“I know.” I had always felt powerless too, but I was realizing that I wasn’t powerless, not really. I had always had control of my destiny, at least as much as the next person. God, in His infinite grace, was allowing me to choose, and there was no right or wrong decision to make. He was telling me to follow my heart and He would still be with me.
And my heart was yearning for Gray.
He moved closer to me and clasped my arms. “I would do anything—anything in the world—to keep you here with me. But I won’t force you or cajole you or guilt you. I love you too much to have you stay because you feel obligated.”
“You’ve never made me feel obligated.” I swallowed my emotions, choking on them. “The truth is, I feel guilted into staying in 1941.”
There. I’d said it. I didn’t love Zechariah, not in the way that I should, not in the forsaking-all-others, till-death-do-us-partway. Yes, he challenged me and there was chemistry between us. But could I make a life with him? Could we be happy? In a way, I supposed. But did he see me like Gray saw me? Did he understand me? Could I ever be real with him, sharing every facet of myself?
No.
“Why would you feel guilted into staying in 1941?” Gray asked.
“There’s been an accident. The man I told you about, Zechariah—”
Gray’s shoulders became stiff at the name, and he lowered his hands.
“He was injured in Pearl Harbor,” I continued. “I don’t know if he’ll ever have complete use of his leg again. He’ll need all the help he can get.”
“Help from you.” It wasn’t a question, but a statement.
I nodded as I looked at the buttons on Gray’s coat. “He wants it to be me.”
“I can’t blame him.” Gray studied me before saying, “Are you going to stay with him in 1941, Maggie?”
“I won’t stay for Zechariah. But—”
“But you have Anna and your parents to consider.”
I nodded. “Mama and Daddy are the only parents I have left. And Anna ...” I couldn’t meet his gaze. “She still needs me. She’s doing better, but if I left her now, I don’t know how she’d survive her grief. I don’t know what to do.”
“There’s something I need to tell you.” His voice was grave as he stood before me, the snow falling onto his shoulders. “I wasn’t going to say anything. I didn’t want it to affect your decision, but Mr. Pinkerton has given me no choice.”
“What is it?”
“A few weeks ago, the War Department asked Mr. Pinkerton to send some of his agents undercover into the South. He’s assembling a few teams—men and women—who will pose asmarried couples and infiltrate Southern society. He’s asked me to be one of the teams going into Richmond, to try to get as close to Jefferson Davis as possible.”
My lips parted. “If you’re caught—” I couldn’t finish the sentence. “Must you go?”
He shook his head slowly. “There is plenty of work to do here. I’m not being ordered to go, but he asked me personally.” He paused. “Maggie, the truth is, if you’re not here, then there’s no reason for me to stay. I’ve spent my entire adult life moving from one place to the next. You’re the first and only reason I’ve ever wanted to stop. When you’re in my arms, I don’t want to be anywhere else on earth. I wasn’t going to say anything until I knew what you planned to do, but Pinkerton needs his teams to leave as soon as possible. He wants my answer tomorrow.”
“Tomorrow?” I still needed another week to decide. I loved Gray, but I also loved my parents and my sister.
If I waited until my birthday to decide and chose to stay in 1861, Gray would already be gone, posing as a married man behind enemy lines. The very thought of him putting himself in such danger, pretending to be married to another woman, gripped my heart with alarm.
“Do you want to go?” I asked.
“If you are here, no. But if you’re not, then I have nothing to lose.”
If I asked him not to go south and then chose 1941 next week, he’d be missing an opportunity to serve Mr. Pinkerton and his nation. I couldn’t do that to him either.
“This is why I didn’t want to tell you,” he said quietly. “I know how difficult this is for you already. But it’s your choice, Maggie. If you choose to stay in 1861—if you choose me—” He moved closer again, drawing me into his arms. “I want to marry you and spend the rest of our lives together. I want to have a family and make a home with you. I want to see whatthis crazy and maddening world has to offer us. And when we come to the end, whenever that may be, I want to know that we lived well.”
Affection warmed my soul. I placed my gloved hands on his cheeks, wanting desperately to feel his lips upon mine. I’d been kissed by Seth and Zechariah, but I knew, with every beat of my heart, that Gray’s kisses would be different.
“Will you give me one more day?” I asked.
“I would give you an eternity, if I had it to give.”
