I tried to enjoy myself, to engage Mrs. Lincoln’s nephew in interesting conversation, but my heart was not in the festivities. I had no energy or will to be charming and witty. Tomorrow, I would be celebrating Christmas on theSolacein a war-torn harbor, trying to keep everyone’s spirits up. It was exhausting, and I allowed myself to wallow in self-pity. I had always been the strong one. For Papa, for Anna, for my patients. But I didn’t have the strength left. This was my first Christmas without Papa, without Mama and Daddy, and without Mom and Dad.Bereftwasn’t a strong enough word for how I felt.
After dinner there were to be games, but I had no capacity to engage. I longed to be a part of the fun, but I couldn’t imagine trying to keep up a brave face for one second longer. Especially when I saw Gray offer his arm to Mrs. Lincoln’s niece and escort her from the dining room.
Tears pricked the back of my eyes. What did I expect? I had made no promise to him, had not even given him hope thatthere was a future for us. If I left 1861, as he thought I would, it was only natural that he would move on with his life. Perhaps marry, have a family—
I couldn’t continue the heartbreaking thought and had to swallow several times to keep the tears at bay long enough to give my excuses to the Lincolns.
“Thank you for the lovely evening,” I said to Mrs. Lincoln when I finally had a chance to speak to her.
“You’re not leaving, are you? The fun has just begun.”
“I’m afraid my grief is getting the better of me tonight. I’m sorry.”
Her expressive eyes filled with a deep sadness I knew all too well. “I understand completely, my dear. More than I should. But remember you are never truly alone. Your father’s love is still with you, even if he is gone. Everything he did for you, everything he taught you, is a part of you, and nothing can take that away.”
My tears finally overflowed, and I had to wipe them away. “Thank you. And I hope you’ll forgive me.”
“Of course. Good night, Margaret.”
“Good night and Merry Christmas. Please extend my well-wishes to President Lincoln.”
“I will.” She squeezed my hand and then turned back to her retinue of relatives.
I left the dining room, glancing toward the East Room where Gray was just entering with the others, and then walked in the opposite direction to retrieve my cape. It took a few minutes for the doorman to find it, but once it was settled upon my shoulders and I stepped through the front door of the White House to face Lafayette Square, the tears began to fall again.
At first, I tried wiping them away, hoping and praying I could gather myself together before I returned home, but as I walked off the portico, across the large lawn, and then crossed Pennsylvania Avenue, I realized it was hopeless.
I stopped as soon as I entered Lafayette Square and bowed my head. Behind me, the White House stood tall and almost ominous. Snowflakes fell in a slow cadence to the ground. Everything was so still and silent. Nothing moved on the square, though almost all of the houses were lit from within, indicating that life moved beyond those panes of yellow light.
But here, in this moment, I was alone. Again.
Or was I? Mrs. Lincoln’s words returned to me, and I thought of everyone I loved. They’d each become a part of me and would be with me forever. They had been the hands and feet of God when I needed them most. God’s presence hadn’t always been obvious, but I had never been truly alone. He had brought people into my life, like Gray and Anna, to act as my strength and comfort. Zechariah to challenge me. Mama and Daddy to offer wisdom and advice. Papa to protect me. Delilah to listen and bring fresh perspectives. And Mom and Dad to cheer me along.
My heart began to fill with the knowledge that God had not been far away after all. He had been as close as each of my loved ones, working through their lives to minister to mine.
I’d been standing at a crossroads for so long, not sure which way to go, because I didn’t think He was guiding me. But He had been there. He was simply walking beside me. And He was here now. Even if I couldn’t see Him. He hadn’t made either path clear and was waiting for me to choose. Did that mean He would bless either one?
And if that was so, then could I truly choose which one I wanted?
Maybe, just maybe, what He’d been requiring of me all along was to take a step of faith, as Delilah had said, and believe He’d walk alongside me, no matter what I chose.
“Maggie?”
My heart leapt at the sound of Gray’s voice. He was pulling on his overcoat as he walked toward me, a silhouetteagainst the White House. He’d forgotten his hat. “Are you unwell?”
I wiped at my face, embarrassed by my tears. I wanted to rush into his arms, but it was a purely selfish desire. I couldn’t continue to cling to him if I was going to leave here.
ButwasI going to leave? I loved Gray more than life itself, and I wanted to be with him forever—forsaking all others.
The realization was so powerful and so stunning, it felt as if a lightning bolt had passed through me. I just stared at him, speechless. Perhaps his absence from my life is what I had been mourning most of all.
I wanted Gray and nothing else.
“What’s wrong?” His concern deepened.
“I love you,” I whispered, unable to breathe from the weight of it all. “I miss you. I hate seeing you with another woman on your arm. I hate thinking of you going on with your life without me.”
He stared at me, his hands at his side, his shoulders sagging. “I’m powerless, Maggie.”
