I wanted to call him back, to beg him to stay, but to what end? Could I promise him I would choose 1861? That I would marry him and we would live a long and happy life together? If I could not, then it would be cruel to ask him to return.
He had done what no one else had done, other than my marked parents. He had laid the decision solely at my feet, not begging or cajoling me with guilt or obligation. Gray loved me and desired me—that was not in question. But his love for me allowed me to leave him behind without blame.
His, truly, was the most sacrificial love, and if I had to make my decision today, it would be Gray. I loved him with my whole heart and soul. He knew me better than anyone else, and he understood me.
Papa’s question stirred to life in me. If I lost everything else, would Gray be enough?
In that moment, I realized that, yes, he would be enough. I could lose everything and everyone in 1941, and Graydon Cooper would be enough for me.
But there were still three weeks ahead of me, including the attack on Pearl Harbor tomorrow and the aftermath. I could not pledge my commitment to Gray until I knew for certain what 1941 would bring.
As I laid my head on my pillow that night, with tears in my eyes, it was Gray who was on my mind at the very last.
For the first time in my life, I knew what I wanted. What I truly wanted.
I wanted Graydon Cooper.
31
DECEMBER 7, 1941
PEARL HARBOR, HONOLULU, HAWAII
Even before I opened my eyes, my pillow was wet with tears. Whether from Gray’s departure the night before or from what I was about to face, I wasn’t sure.
I sat up in bed and looked out the porthole toward Pearl Harbor. The day was brilliant. Perfect. Everything was as it should be. Hawaii truly was paradise.
My gaze traveled to my clock. It was 7:02, and the bombing would begin at 7:55. That much I knew. I should get up and start preparing, but my heart was so heavy, I hugged my knees and laid my forehead down to allow the tears to flow. I needed to pull myself together, but I couldn’t. Memories from September 11 hit me hard. I recalled the woman in the Pentagon who compared the attack on the Twin Towers to the attack on Pearl Harbor—and I was going to live through both of them.
At least I prayed I would live through this one, because I hadn’t survived the one on September 11.
“Maggie?” Anna’s sweet, sleepy voice held concern. Sheclimbed out of bed, her hair in rollers, and put her hand on my back. “What’s wrong, sweetheart?”
I quickly wiped my tears. She had no idea what was about to happen, and I couldn’t tell her yet because she might rush to warn someone in her fear.
“It’s nothing.” I offered a wobbly smile.
“Did something happen in 1861?”
Yes. I could blame the tears on 1861. My heart was breaking at Gray’s departure. I hated to think he was suffering because of me and I couldn’t fix it. It wasn’t fair. I didn’t want anyone to hurt because of me.
“Gray left,” I said, trying not to cry all over again. “He learned about Zechariah—”
“You told him?” Her eyes were huge. “Why would you do that?”
“I had to. I couldn’t keep it a secret, not from Gray.”
She smiled and sat beside me on the bed. “I can tell you love him a great deal.”
“I do.” The tears did start then, but the clock was ticking and the attack would start in less than forty-five minutes. We needed to be dressed and prepared.
“Are you going to choose him?” Anna asked, looking down at her nightgown, grief in the lines of her forehead. “Are you going to leave me too?”
“Anna.” Guilt weighed heavily upon me as I threw my arms around her, not wanting her to feel sad. “Let’s talk about this later. I’d like to get dressed and see what this beautiful day—” I couldn’t finish. I tried to be strong, to sound pleasant, but I couldn’t do it. “To try to make the most of today.”
She seemed to realize my need to stop talking about Gray. She nodded and patted my back. “It’s okay, Maggie. If anyone understands the grief of losing someone, it’s me. I know how you feel.”
It was too complicated to discuss now. Instead, I got outof bed and started to get dressed. We both had the day off, and Anna thought we were going to church, as we had done every Sunday since coming to Honolulu. I wanted to put on my nursing uniform, since it was the most practical clothing I owned, but if I did, Anna would ask questions. So I decided on the most serviceable dress I could find, since I didn’t want to be wearing something impractical when the victims were brought to theSolace.
