“Mer… If there had been anything that anyone could have done, you know I would have…” His words falter. The genuine anguish in his eyes stabs at me, cutting right into my heart.
That’s when it really hits. The loss. Therealityof it.
Saela will never see Mother again. She won’t be there when I finally bring my sister home.IfI bring my sister home. My failures pile one atop the other. My whole family… I couldn’t protect them.
And now she’s gone. Forever.
Killian’s presence guides me like a beacon of light through the avalanche of my despair. I fall apart against him, burying myself in his chest. The heat and solidity of his body against me is the only point of stillness, of comfort.
When the storm inside me finally subdues, he hands me a gold-embroidered handkerchief and strokes my hair, running his thumb across my cheek to catch a few tears that I miss.
I can’t bring myself to look at him, though I stay tucked against his chest, unwilling to relinquish the comfort of his closeness. His hand moves from my hair to my back, still stroking, his fingers firm, moving in circles down my back. His heartbeat is slow and steady under my ear.
He’s the only one besides Igor who’s been here for me and Mom. He’s done so much to protect and care for both of us.
The shadows are back, climbing slowly up Killian’s walls, darkening his room. I shut my eyes to block them out.
Goddess, I almost forgot how devastating grief is. How it leaves you husked and raw, but never numb. The pain is like a gaping wound—one no dressing can cover, no shield can truly protect. The agony of it might lessen, but it never truly leaves.
It’s not just one feeling, either. Grief has layers and layers: sadness, bitterness, guilt, regret...
At least this time I’m older than when my dad died. I’m not some lost little kid, wandering the streets hoping to vent my misery by fighting every shithead boy I encounter.
This time, I have to keep it together. I can’t get lost in the misery. I have to keep my guard up, my wits about me.
I’m still here in this bloodthirsty world, fighting for my life.
And Saela is still out there.
Saela.
She’s all I have left. I willnotfail her. I will bring her home.
I rest my head on Killian’s sternum, exhausted and tremulous, thinking of the weeks to come.
The Unity Trial looms. The funeral will have to be quick, with all the training I still need to do to make sure I survive this long enough to get to Saela.
Quick and also cheap, I think, heart sinking. Rawbond training doesn’t pay, and Mom hasn’t been working in years. Surely, there’s no money left set aside in our house.
Igor and Killian may have started on the preparations, but it’s my burden to bear. She’s my mother. It’s the least I can do for her, now that she’s gone.
And Saela…
Fuck. My sister won’t even be there to say goodbye to our mother. When I bring her home, it’ll be to an empty house and more grief—on top of whatever horrors she’s gone through since she was taken.
Fresh tears well behind my closed eyelids as the weight of both their losses settles over me like a heavy cloak.
“I’m all alone,” I whisper, pulling from Killian’s embrace to stand. “My whole family. They’re gone, all of them. And Saela… if I don’t find her…”
Killian stands as well, taking both my hands in his. “Meryn. You aren’t alone.”
I gaze up at him through blurry eyes. Shadows move behind him, taunting.
“But my family…”
“Let me be your family now,” he says softly. Taking a step backward, he slowly lowers himself onto one knee.
The world narrows sharply. Time seems to slow.
