I smiled as I heated the water and mixed the formula. Mason made his way to the couch and, predictably, when he sat down, Maisy began to cry in earnest. Because what baby didn’t cry when the person holding her attempted to get comfortable?
I tested the milk on my wrist and thought about Sarah. She had no one to help her. No mother to walk her through her physical and emotional pain since her mother had no idea she had given birth. I wanted to help her. But there was nothing I could really do. At least, that was how I let myself off the hook. Because how could I help and not encourage her to tell the truth? It was impossible. And yet the truth could cost me the child I felt was supposed to be mine.
I was about to take the baby when Mason asked, “Can I feed her? Can you show me how?”
Feeding her was one of the sweetest, most special times. On this first night, I sort of wanted it all for myself. But, then again, I’d have three more opportunities before sunrise, and the fact that he asked turned all my insides into Jell-O. I wanted him to feed her. I wanted him to fall in love with her, with me, with what we could become.
I smiled and grabbed a pillow, propping up Mason’s elbow. I handed him the bottle. “So, just let her drink about half of it.”
As soon as the bottle hit her lips, Maisy quit crying and sucked hungrily. Her big blue eyes were locked on Mason’s face, his were locked on hers, and, as she wrapped her hand around his pinkie, I had to control the urge to burst into tears. I had to control the urge to tell him that I loved him, that this should be our life all the time. I hadn’t just given birth, so this couldn’t be hormones.
“You’re a natural,” I said.
Mason smiled up at me. “I don’t know about that.”
“I do,” I said. “She’s really taken to you. It’s kind of amazing. You must give off trustworthy energy.”
He laughed and leaned over to kiss me. “I’m pretty sure no one has ever said that about me.”
I knew I shouldn’t. But I couldn’t help myself. I had to know. “Have you, um, ever thought about doing this?”
“This?” Mason was looking down at Maisy.
“Being a dad, I mean.”
Mason looked up at me, furrowing his brow. “Honestly?”
My heart sank. His face turned serious, and I could tell he was unlikely to say,Why, yes, Daisy, I lie in bed awake at night dreaming of fatherhood.
“Well, of course, honestly.” I tried to keep my voice light. I tried to be that sparkling, unencumbered woman I had been at Al’s even though, now, I was very, very encumbered. Had I changed for him? He didn’t seem to have lost interest, but, then again, he thought Maisy was going to be a few-week situation. Then it would be back to Daisy and Mason and dates and sleepovers and breakfast in bed on Saturday mornings. Only, if I got my way, that wasn’t how it was going to be at all.
“I sort of thought fatherhood was out of the cards for me.”
I tried to control my face, to make it behave, but I knew it fell. “You aren’t even close to too old to be a dad.”
“No, right. Sure. I don’t mean because of my age. I guess I just figured that the kind of family Parker and Amelia have just wasn’t something I’d have.”
“Oh,” I said. “Okay.” I felt deflated, but it wasn’t like I could argue with him. I looked at Maisy and then back at Mason. I wanted him. But if I had to choose between the man I loved and the baby I felt was meant to be mine, I knew I would choose her.
“But, you know,” Mason continued. “I met this woman, and she has me thinking about all these wild things I haven’t thought about in a really long time.”
I laughed. And… we were back. I cocked my head to the side and closed my eyes, shaking my head ever so slightly, letting his words sink in.
He sucked in his breath, making me open my eyes, and said, “Oh man. You think I mean you. Awkward.”
I smirked.
“Does that freak you out?” Mason asked.
“Does a hot, stable, emotionally available man imagining a future with me freak me out?”
He nodded seriously.
“No, Mason. You could say that that does not freak me out. It’s kind of the best thing I can think of.”
He pulled the bottle out of the baby’s mouth and held it up to me. “Halfway,” he said. “I don’t think I’m advanced enough to try burping yet.”
As I burped Maisy and finished feeding her, I tried to compose myself. Was this really happening? Was I getting everything I had ever wanted all in one fell swoop?
