“I want it all gone,” he said, voice ice-cold. “I don’t want to look at any of it.” He turned away and dropped to his knees to ransack the drawers under his bed. I moved forward to see that the box was over halfway full: the two Vineyard Vines shirts, Charlie’s blue EDGARTOWNYACHTCLUBquarter-zip, the Prince Charming crown, a black-and-white ribbon belt, and at the very bottom, Charlie’s bracelets.
“You can’t do this,” I said, fingering the tie bracelet. “You guys are—”
“Done,” Luke finished, brushing past me. He picked up a pen and quickly jotted something down on a notepad before going over to his dresser.
My eyes welled up, remembering Charlie last night. I’d left him on his bed, wrapped up like a burrito in his comforter and bawling his eyes out. “He broke up with me,” he kept repeating, over and over, while I’d tried so hard to calm him down…but to no avail. Curfew had then called, and I hated knowing he cried himself to sleep.
“What went wrong?” I asked, a little nervous that Luke would snap at me for being nosy. But I needed to know.
I heard him sigh, and then he was next to me again, adding Charlie’s noise-canceling headphones to the mix of stuff. “We went to the movies,” he said, “and things were great. The seats were great, the movie was great, andhewas great. Literally no one was there, so he held my hand the whole time.” He sighed again. “But later, we went to the ropes course to”—he shrugged—”you know.” He paused.“But then he…” His voice driffed away before coming back hard and fast like a boomarang. “And I realized I couldn’t do it anymore.”
“Did something happen?” I asked quietly.
Luke nodded. His voice was quiet too, butangry-quiet. “On the way back,” he said, “we heard someone, and what does Charlie do?” Luke pointed to a scrape on his cheek. “Hepushesme into the goddamn woods. I took a branch in the face and tripped over a rock, all so Paddy fucking Clarke and Val didn’t catch uswalkingtogether.”
Suddenly dizzy, I sank down into Luke’s desk chair.
“Which makes it crystal clear,” he continued. “He’s not comfortable with who he is.”
My heart twisted. “Luke…”
Luke shook his head. “He’s not, Sage. Yes, he’s told you and Nick, but his parentsstilldon’t know anything, after three whole months. He hasn’t told them about me. He said he would, but he hasn’t. The only reason I met them was because of you. He hasn’t done anything. He’s fine with them just thinking of me as ‘Luke from down the street.’” He sighed. “And it’s not even their street.”
“No, you’re not…” I tried.
He ignored me. “So I can’t do it anymore. I love him.” His voice wavered. “It’s probably unhealthy how much Ilovehim, but I can’t go on like this. I’ve tried so hard to be patient, but I’m tired. I want to be with him forreal. I want to hold his hand in public and for people to know that he won’t flirt with them because he’s with me. I want him to introduce me as his boyfriend, and I want everything we’ve talked about to actually happen. I wantVirginiato happen.”
My stomach swirled with a feeling that he wasn’t just referring totheir Charlottesville getaway. Charlie’s blue-and-orange windbreaker flashed through my mind.
“See?” Luke fell back on his bed. “He hasn’t even told youthat.” He groaned. “Charlie Carmichael gets into one of the best schools in the country and tellsno one.”
Suddenly I was crying. “No, Luke, he has.” I blinked, and remembered.Here we are, UVA!the Snapchat had read, but I really hadn’t picked up on thewe. It was so subtle. But Charlie had said something, in his own way. I told Luke as much.
“That hardly qualifies,” he said, then smiled sadly. “I mean, now we’restucktogether. You know, since it was early decision.” He took off his glasses. “Binding.”
“Please don’t do this,” I whispered. “Don’t give up on him. He loves you. So much.”
“I know he loves me,” Luke said. But he’s not ready, and I am—I’m so ready.” He rubbed his eyes. “The timing isn’t right, Sage. I’m not going to pressure him, I would never pressure him. Everyone deserves to come out on their own terms, but we can’t go on like this. It won’t work.” He sighed. “We don’t work right now.”
I really didn’t want to, but I agreed to be Luke’s courier. I’d return Charlie’s things and get Luke’s back. “This is a comprehensive list of everything he has,” he said before I left, handing over a piece of paper. “Make sure you get it all.” And all I did was nod and say okay. I didn’t tell him I thought he was being harsh, maybe even cruel.
Then I set off for Daggett.
“Charlie?” I said, knocking on his door. “It’s me. Can I come in?”
No answer.
I pushed the door open anyway and found Charlie wearing faded sweatpants and Luke’s gray Adidas sweatshirt. My shoulders slumped; I didn’t need to check the list to know it was number one with a bullet. Charlie was curled up on his couch, and I saw his eyes were even worse than Luke’s—not just red, but bloodshot.
“Hey,” I said gently, tucking the breakup box behind his desk. “Did you sleep?”
His voice was a croak. “No.”
I joined him on the couch and took his hand. “Why didn’t you tell me?” I asked. “Why didn’t you tell me about UVA?”
Charlie didn’t answer.
I squeezed his fingers.
