The horrible things I’d said. Her telling me that she was moving out.
Fuck.
Here, Teddy interrupted. “Sunny said she was in love with you?”
“Yes,” I said miserably.
There was a rather lengthy twitching of his mustache. “I hope you understand how special that is. I’ve known her for almost ten years, and she’s never talked about being in love.”
“I know it’s special,” I whispered. “And if I could love anyone again, it would be her. But I can’t.”
“Why can’t you?” Nolan asked gently. “Kallum and I knew Brooklyn too, Isaac. You know that’s not what she would have wanted.”
“It’s not like I want this either,” I objected.
Nolan and Kallum exchanged one of those patented best friend looks, a testament to their knowing each other since childhood, and then looked back to me.
“Well, you must want it a little,” Nolan said.
I was stung. “Fuck off.”
“He’s right,” Kallum said. “Honestly, bro, I don’t think it’s that you need to let Brooklyn go. I think it’s that you need to let go of this idea that you have to be someone who can’t love again in order to still love Brooklyn.”
It was so close to what Sunny had said that it felt like being slapped.
You’re choosing the version of yourself that feels the safest...
I stared at the men in front of me. I wanted to argue, to tell them that they didn’t understand, that they weren’t getting the point at all.
Except.
Except Nolan and Kallum had known me longer than anyone else in my life, aside from my family. If anyone understood me, it was them.
And... Sunny’s words had been lingering inside my thoughts since she said them. I was afraid they were true, and I was afraid of what it meant if they were.
I squeezed my hands and released, gathering my courage. “Do you think I’m selfish?” I asked.
“Mmm,” Nolan said, his eyes darting down to his bottle.
“Uh,” said Kallum, and then he started drinking his Capri-Sun.
“Sounds like it to me,” said Teddy.
“Fuck.” It was one thing to think youmightbe selfish, but having it confirmed by your closest friends and a pornographer was a kick to the crotch. “Really?”
“It’s not your fault,” Nolan soothed. “You’re so pretty and you’re so good at the song words. So we let you get away with a lot.”
“I don’t want to get away with anything!” I exclaimed. “I never ask anything of anyone! I go out of my way not to be a problem for people!”
Nolan and Kallum did another one of those best friend looks.
“Well,” Kallum said awkwardly. “That’s kind of part of it.”
“What? HOW?”
“Maybe it’s selfishnotto ask things of people,” Nolan said.
“Stop it,” I said.
