It was strange how backward this was, especially since earlier this afternoon we snuck off between takes and I rode his fingers to a quaking orgasm, but my heart flipped over to see the way he looked down at the floor, the toe of his sneaker tracing the tiniest crescent in the red carpet over and over.
My own cheeks were hot as I shrugged on my wool trench and grabbed my purse. “Well, it would be a shame to deprive the world of my be-denimed cuteness.” I approached him and he extended his elbow for me to take, gallant as always.
Together, we went downstairs and stepped out into the night. For the first time since we came to Christmas Notch, the dark didn’t bring sharp, biting cold with it. Only a regular kind of chill that was warded off easily enough with our coats and gloves. The town was lit by lights strung along the treelined streets and in the storefront windows, and in the center of the town square, a giant Christmas tree shined like a beacon.
We were headed to the Mistletoe Theater, the little cinema in the middle of town that played exclusively winter holidaymovies all year long. Kallum was taking me to seeThe Holiday, which was my favorite Christmas movie, because I was convinced that I was Iris. Minus the adorable cottage. (Actually, minus any kind of house these days.)
But the walk there was so lovely and Kallum’s arm was so nice to hold on to that it was almost a shame we were going to the movie at all. I would have happily walked with him for our entire date, like we were in a Jane Austen book, promenading up and down the length of some drawing room.
“I’m sorry about the picture,” he blurted, and I was still mentally imagining him in Regency-era breeches and a tailcoat, so it took me a second to catch up.
“The picture?”
“You know, the picture. The picture of you in the car after the Teen Choice Awards, the picture that ruined your life. The picture that I took. That picture.”
“Oh,” I said, and then added automatically, “It’s okay.”
He looked over at me, but I kept my own gaze resolutely on the salted sidewalk ahead of us.
“Gretchen told me about the fallout after I posted it. About the headlines.”
I didn’t want to talk about this. Not when the night was so pretty and Kallum was so handsome and when the ugliness from those years had mostly died off on its own. “It’s okay, Kallum. Really.”
“She told me that’s why you were pushed into marrying Michael, and I wanted you to know that I’m sorry. I thought you were cute taking that nap and that everyone would find itas cute and silly as I did, and knowing that it’s the reason you had to get married so young just kills me.”
I looked to the side, blinking fast. I used to blame Kallum for everything that had gone wrong—or if not blame, then something like it. It was easier than blaming myself. But the truth was more complicated than that.
“The picture was the catalyst,” I said, trying to keep my voice as neutral as possible. “But I was always going to end up where I did—Michael just happened to be there, because ofTreasures in Heaven, because his parents owned the largest inspirational media company in the country. And it made the perfect story, you know? The princess who’d lost her way, redeemed by her prince’s steadfast love. TheTreasuresstory, but in reverse.”
“Winnie.” Kallum sounded miserable. I finally looked over at him and gave him as much of a smile as I could.
“I chose it with my eyes wide open. I chose to let my parents take control of my life; I chose to court Michael; I chose to say yes when he proposed. I wanted to believe that I’d found my prince charming, and that I was on the verge of living happily ever after. And yes, there are so many things I wish I could change, but even if I could go back and warn that younger version of myself, she wouldn’t listen.” I smiled for real. “She was so convinced that she knew everything. That she knew the right way to live. In fact, she’d be shocked to know I was going on a casual date with someone.”
“Because she—you—weren’t allowed to date?”
“Yes. But—”
I stopped, struggled for the right words. I had only talked at length about this with Addison, who already knew the world we’d grown up in, and my therapist, who got paid to listen. How could you explain something that took years and years just to even name?
“The end goal was purity,” I tried again. “Always. And dating? That was just tempting impurity. Not to mention being a distraction from living fully for God’s will.”
“You can’t live fully for God and date?” Kallum guided me over a dark slick of ice on the sidewalk. “That seems made up. Don’t you have the Song of Songs in your bible? It’s super horny.”
“Yeah, well...” I laughed. “That one was un-horned for us. We were told the real point was about not awakening love until the proper time. And of course, the proper time was marriage. Which was really where the lingo became important, becausedatingwas frivolous, and maybe even dangerous, butcourting? Courting was about marriage. Spending time with someone to see if God wanted you to marry them. So as long as you were courting, you could spend time with someone.”
“So you and Michael did this courting thing?”
“Yes. Marriage was on the table from the beginning. Itwasthe table.”
“And it didn’t scare you? Thinking about getting married so young?”
When I glanced over at him, mild horror was sketched all over his face. “Almost everyone I knew got married before their mid-twenties, so it didn’t seem so young, and I...” I cleared my throat. Kallum had given me a literal lap dance not too longago, one that ended with his semen spattered across my vulva. If I could say this to anyone, I could say it to him. “I was having a lot of physical feelings. Um,desires, I guess. Paul says it’s better to marry than to burn, and I was burning alive by then. Getting married would mean that all the hunger I had for Michael and all the things I wanted to do with him didn’t have to be bad anymore.”
“Winnie,” Kallum said, voice almost pleading. “What you wanted was never bad. Tell me you know that now.”
“Yes,” I replied. “But you can’t imagine how scared I was of my own feelings back then. How terrified I was that I was secretly sinful. Because if I gave in, if I slipped just once...”
Kallum made a face.
