14
Niya
Maybe I shouldn’t have said yes. What about Big? And if I went, would that mean we’d end up doing something...sexually? Am I ready for all that?I pondered these questions, standing by the edge of my bed after Sean asked me to go with him to Los Angeles. We had already stopped by his place to pack his bags. My mouth had hung open when he had given me the grand tour of his apartment. It was beyond nice, and I had told him that several times before he took me home. He was waiting outside while I got my stuff together but Jazzy’s words plagued my conscience.
Jazzy had cussed me out when I returned to the hospital room and told her I was leaving. “Really? You’re just going to leave me to take care of Big all by myself over some dude who’s already got a baby and a triflin’ baby momma?”
My sister had a way of saying things that made me feel as insignificant as a dust particle. Guilt churned in my gut until Big spoke up from her bed.
“Leave her alone, Jazzy,” Big croaked out, taking a sip of water. “I’m gon’ be fine, getting stronger every day. Ain’t no need in her staying here on account of me. I ain’t gon’ be no trouble when I get home. Just gon’ sit up and watch TV all day, same as I’m doing here. Same as before I got in here.”
I gave Big a grateful smile for coming to my defense. “Thanks, Big,” I whispered, wiping a tear from the corner of my eye.
Jazzy’s left eye ticked and I could see the fire in her eyes. It was only out of respect for Big that my sister didn’t continue her tongue lashing. Brushing past me, she stomped out of the room.
I took a deep breath before stuffing my sandals into the side of my suitcase splayed open on my bed. Big was right. This wasn’t about her. Or Sean. Or Jazzy. This was about me getting my own life. My own identity. Besides, Jazzy was going to have to get used to me not being around all the time because when I started college, I’d be busy.
Still, Jazzy and I were twins. Weren’t twins supposed to always have each other’s backs? Be there for one another? Hadn’t it been our mother’s wish we’d always be together?
But I’d always wanted to go to Los Angeles—the Big L to the A. I couldn’tnotgo. Plus, I’d be helping Sean. I had seen the devastation on his face when he was on the phone with his friend, and I knew I wanted to be there to comfort him.
Speaking of comfort, I snuck my sexiest underwear I had inside my suitcase that afternoon, along with my razor and shaving cream. Sean was saved and the likelihood of any dancing in the sheets going on was smaller than my pinky toe, but I had to be prepared. Just in case. My heart started to pump with fury. Not that I had much experience. All right, none below the waist. But, I shrugged,You never know.
I dragged my toe under the snag in the carpet while I contemplated.
“You still packing?” Jazzy asked, coming into the room. After I left with Sean, she must have taken a cab home to shower and pack a change of clothes. And to confront me outside of Big’s hearing.
“I’m done.” I huffed, trying to close the suitcase.
Jazzy eyed me with heavy suspicion. “How long do you plan on leaving me here with all the responsibility?”
“Sean told me to pack for a couple of days.”
She scrutinized my bulging suitcase and threw back the top flap before I could finish zipping it. “That looks like enough stuff for a month.”
“I’m not sure of the weather so I have to be ready.” I struggled to get the zipper to budge. The striped roller bag belonged to Big and was old enough to be considered trendy and antique. I hoped.
Jazzy crossed her arms. “You sure you coming back?”
Despite her underlying anger, I heard the fear in her voice and drew her into me for a quick hug. “Of course, I’m coming back. My life is here with you and Big.”
Or, with Sean in that nice, spacious apartment.
I swallowed and told myself to calm down. I was getting way ahead of myself. “And are you forgetting that Sean lives around here, too?”
She crossed her arms. “He’s been in the military. He’s been all over the world. He could decide to move to Timbuktu or Dubai and take you with him.”
“That’s not going to happen,” I said to reassure her. But I, myself, didn’t believe my words. I was already planning to go to college and become a nurse. There was only one hospital for miles around. I would have to move out of my neighborhood to get a good job unless I wanted to drive, like, an hour a day back and forth to work.
Jazzy must have sensed the wheels churning in my head. Her next words were like a sledgehammer to my spine. “All I know is when Big does pass for real, don’t you dare try to come acting like you cared, throwing your body all on her casket.”
The very thought of losing Big made me choke up. “Don’t say that.” My chest heaved from the impact of Jazzy’s words.
“Well, what else am I supposed to say? The truth is that we don’t know how much longer we’ll even have her in our lives, and…” her voice broke. She had verbalized both of our biggest fear.
My brows furrowed. “What are you talking about?”
Her top lip quivered, which made my breath catch, because my sister wasn’t the crying type.
