Everyone laughs, and the producers are no doubt ecstatic about how cute this will be on screen, especially as Paula says, “Well, hopefully she’s found her prince already,” and Preston gives me a big grin, which I attempt to return, even as I’m thinkingshit, I’m going to have to make that stupid kissing frogs joke in an interview, after all.Thanks, Rosie.
I’m feeling sick all over again.
Thea, though, is growing increasingly impatient, and I know I can’t keep her from talking about Nate much longer. So when most of the attention is on Paula and Kurt having a private “sit-down” (which is really standing in an awkward little circle outside the city walls) I wander with the kids back to the shoreline. Not out of sight of cameras, obviously, and one is definitely pointed our way, but it’s shooting from behind us, getting scenic footage of us along the beach. With it just being me and girls, the interpreter hangs back by the others.
Thea wastes no time. “Did Nate ask you on a date?”
I sigh. “He can’t, remember? I’m on the show, and he works for the show.”
“Will you go on a date when you get back home?”
I close my eyes briefly, trying to steady myself with deep breaths of the silt-scented air.Then I open them again. “I don’t think I can date Nate.”
“Why not? He likes you. He didn’t say hedidn’twant to kiss you,” she repeats from our last conversation on the subject, as if that’s proof enough. “And I know you like him.”
I’m not going to deny that.
I let out a breath. Fortunately, Rosie’s not paying any attention to us, and is picking up interesting rocks and then throwing them as far out into the expanse of sand as possible. “I’m not sure if he liked me for real,” I say, trying to be as careful as possible. “Not, like, in a dating way.”
She frowns. “Do you mean he was just pretending to want to date you? Was he just pretend nice?” She clearly hates this idea, and for the record, so do I. More than she could ever know.
“I don’t know,” I say honestly, then cringe. “I don’t think he was being pretend nice with you and Rosie. He really likes you guys.”
Thea brushes that aside. Either it’s so obvious it doesn’t bear examination or there’s more important fish to fry here. “I don’t think he was pretending to like you. Did hesayhe doesn’t?” Her eyes widen. “Did you try to kiss him and he said no?”
I gape. I’m definitely not going into the details of what happened when I tried to kiss him, or how very much he did not say no. “It’s not that, but he did something that really hurt me.”
“Did he say he was sorry?”
I press my lips together, remembering him pleading with me. I feel like I’m breathing shards of glass every time I think about that night. “He did. But I don’t know if I can believe him. I don’t know if he means it. So I can’t date him.” I feel the tears burning my eyes. “I’m sorry,Thea.”
She raises her hands like she’s going to say something else, but then drops them again, frowning out to where the sea is receded now. Soon it will flood in again, covering up this whole barren stretch.
The producers call us back, and we head over to them, and it’s like there’s this gaping hole cut out of my chest—a gaping hole that’s been there ever since I left that room, and it’s only gotten bigger and bigger.
The worst part of it is, I’m not sure who cut that hole. Did Nate have any part in that, or did I do this all to myself? And to him?
It’s mid-afternoon when we return to the hotel.The producers are giving us some downtime to rest and get changed before we meet Preston for dinner. Paula gushes about how much she likes Preston, and Kurt grudgingly agrees that he seems like “a decent guy,” but I think they’re finally starting to notice that things aren’t quite right with me.
When they’re pulled into yet another interview in the lobby,Thea tugs at my hand again.
“Where’s Nate?” she asks me.
Crap. “I don’t know. I just got here, too, remember?”
“I need to talk to him.”
“Thea, you don’t need to—”
“I need to talk to him.”Then, as if by magic, she pulls a folded piece of notebook paper out of her pocket, on which is written,Where is Nate??
I’m guessing it came from the notebook that Paula was carrying in her purse forThea, but oh my god, when didThea write this? How long has she been planning to ambush him?
The interpreter is taking a break since we’re not on camera. ButThea’s undeterred, pointing the note at Mustache Dan, who looks startled and points down a hallway to where the production crew is stationed. I try to get her attention again, butThea takes off without a backward glance. Honestly, I’m too emotionally exhausted to give chase.
I wish I had the courage to go with her.
