Becca nods like that makes sense, but I get the feeling it isn’t what she wanted to hear.
I don’t just want her to leave for me. I want her towantto. Maybe that will never happen, but if it does, it isn’t a decision she should rush.That isn’t her style. She thinks so deeply, is so deliberate and considerate. I love that about her, and I wouldn’t want to change it, even if it’s inconvenient for me at the moment.
“You’re not going to be more specific,” she says.
I smile. “No. It’s your decision. I know you’ll make a good one.”
She leans back against the balcony railing. “I don’t have a great history of that. I think that’s why I’m so afraid of relationships.”
“You’re scared you’ll end up in another bad one?”
“I lost so much of myself,” she says. “It’s taken me years to find myself again. What if there are signs, and I don’t see them in time? I’ve spent years trying to get to this place where I’m happy with who I am, and I don’t want to lose that again.”
“I have a hard time believing you would. You’re so beautiful and amazing. You’re too wonderful to get lost for long.”
Becca lights up and I smile.
“You’re pretty awesome yourself,” she says.
“I spent my evening positioning a very expensive and delicious-looking box of chocolates close enough to a fire so it would melt and cause an innocent girl a catastrophic breakdown. I’m not feeling so great about myself tonight.”
“Oh my god, that was you?”
“It wasn’t myidea,” I say. “But yeah. I had the misfortune of being the one who had to do it.”
Becca shakes her head. “They really are messing with us.”
“We are,” I say, forcing myself to take some ownership for it. I didn’t think of the chocolate thing, but I also didn’t refuse. “Sometimes I wonder what I’m doing on this show.”
“Is this not what you want to be doing?”
I take a deep breath. I shouldn’t admit that, but the cameras still haven’t found us. I’m guessing things at the pool are still pretty dramatic, or they would have noticed Becca was missing. “I want to produce,” I say. “I’ve wanted to move beyond YouTube and do something bigger. I tried for years to convince Jason to try to make a move toTV, but he’s comfortable where he is. It took me a long time to start thinking in terms of ‘my career’ instead of ‘our career.’ I started applying places, and I was surprised when I got offered this job. It’s a big step up from YouTube.This show isn’t what I want to do ultimately, but sticking it out for a couple of seasons could open a lot of doors.”
“That makes sense. What kind ofTV would you ultimately want to do?”
“RealityTV, for sure,” I say. “But some shows are more affirming than others, I guess. I’d like to tell stories about triumph, rather than about people tearing each other down.”
“I get that. I wanted an adventure. But I guess sometimes adventures suck in the middle.”
I laugh. “Um, yes.Trust me, the middle of a big climb always sucks. We get out there, and at first we’re all pumped, but then things get difficult and we’re all miserable. It’s worth it for the triumph at the end, but the middle is awful.”
“I guess that’s where I’m at right now.” She elbows me. “And since you’re assigned to me, you get to deal with it.”
“Eh,” I say. “Talking to you never feels like work. Not like the three hours I had to interview Londyn about her daddy issues.” She laughs, so I keep going. “And I’m going to have to get out of interviewing Daisy. I have too much guilt over melting her chocolate. I don’t think I could handle that.”
“I wonder what happened to the chocolate,” Becca says. “If it was really good, we could make it into fondue.”
“That’s what you would do, isn’t it? ‘Oops, the chocolate melted. Let’s have fondue.’”
“Totally,” she says. “I’d look sexy licking it off my fingers.”
Oh god, she would. I fight the urge to adjust my pants. “If the chocolate ends up in the green room, I’ll sneak you some.”
Becca closes her eyes, her voice almost orgasmic. “Chocolate. Why haven’t you brought me any before, Nate?”
I clearly should have. “I didn’t know you had a thing for chocolate.” It comes out more suggestive than I meant it, and she laughs in surprise.
“Oh my god, you just said that!” she says, slapping me on the arm. “I can’t believe you said that.”
