“You might go out with somebody twice.”
“Let’s not get crazy, now,” she says, but she’s joking. I press my lips together, not allowing myself to tell her I’d like to take her out a lot more than twice.
She’s thinking about her future, and it doesn’t seem to have Preston in it.That’s enough to make my heart do improbable dances in my chest.
Becca sighs. “I really had made progress in therapy. But now I’m getting insecure again. And I’m doing even more lying than I do at home.”
“You don’t really lie. You mostly leave gaps and let other people fill them in. And really, when I interview you, I don’t expect you to be totally honest. You probably shouldn’t be.”
She doesn’t look happy about that, and I get it. It’s hard to keep up a charade day in and day out, sometimes intoxicated and on very little sleep.
I think back to what she said when I first found her here. “Are you thinking you want to leave the show?” I ask. I’m not going to push her into that, but god, do I want her to. I’d miss her every day, but at least I wouldn’t have to watch her with Preston anymore. And maybe I wouldn’t even wait for the show to be over. Maybe I’d get her number before she left, and she could call me as soon as she got her phone back. Maybe we’d talk every day until I got back, and then—
“I don’t want to,” Becca says, and I feel like I’ve been slapped. “I want to prove I can do this.”
I nod.That’s not a terrible reason, I suppose. “Yeah, you don’t strike me as a quitter.”
“What do you think?” she asks. “Do you think I should leave?”
I look up at the sky. Only a few stars are visible above the hotel lights.
She should quit, I think. She should quit and we’d talk every night, and then when the job is over I’d take her out, and I’d treat her like a princess, only without dating a dozen other girls at the same time. Maybe she’d fall in love with me and we’d live happily ever after.
It’s a crazy fantasy. A long shot, to be sure. But I want it more than I’ve ever wanted anything, so much that I almost take the chance.
But I don’t want to be the reason she quits and later regrets it. And if she stays, I want her to feel like she can still trust me.That’s more important than my stupid fantasies.
“I think you’re smart,” I tell her. “And strong. You’ll know if it’s time for you to leave, because you’re a total badass.”
Becca stares at me like she can’t believe I’ve said this, but it’s true. “I don’t feel like a badass,” she says.
“Yeah, well. You definitely are.”
She smiles to herself, and I feel like maybe I’m helping. Whatever happens, I’m glad for that.
Another question rises in my throat, and I hate myself for how much it’s motivated by self-interest. I can’t help it, though. I have to know. “Do you see a future with you and Preston?”
Becca doesn’t answer immediately, which seems like a good thing. Any of the other girls would have told me immediately that they do. It’s practically all they talk about.
“I don’t know,” Becca admits. “We talked before about how relationships take time, and I still think that’s true. I feel like I need more time with him to know if I could have a future with him, and I’m not getting that.”
I nod. It’s a variant of the thing all the girls say—they need their time with Preston. But it’s true. Becca and I have had more time than she’s had with Preston a hundred times over.
Which might mean something, if she saw me as more than a friend.
“But you know him, and you know me,” she says slowly. “Do you think we’re a good fit?”
Oh, shit. I walked into that one. What the hell am I supposed to say? No, he’s an idiot? Pick me instead?
“I’m considering,” I say, mostly to stall for time. Honestly, from what I’ve seen of Preston, he’s mostly shallow and a little bit of a prick. He’s nice to the girls, and charming and affable enough while the camera is on. But I remember the way he was with the clerk at the airport.Do you know who we are?He’s obviously got serious entitlement issues and a bit of a chip on his shoulder.
He’s not good enough for her, I’m sure of that. Honestly, I’m not good enough either, but that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t try to be, every day, for as long as she’d let me.
I’m not sure when my fantasies stopped being about taking her out and seeing if there was something there. I’m not sure when I became certain that there would be—at least on my side.
But here we are.
“I think your instincts are good,” I say finally. “I think you need more time with him before you’ll know. But you’re smart—you’re going to be able to figure out if he’s the one for you. Don’t compromise, though.The show will try to make you get swept up in the thrill of it all, so you have to stick to what you know you need. Make sure you get that time, and don’t jump into anything until you’re certain.”
