Thirteen
Nate
Isit beside Becca on the hotel balcony, glad there aren’t any cameras here right now. I still don’t dare hold her hand or put my arm around her—much as I want to—because I understand what a big deal it is that she’s opening up to me.This is stuff she doesn’t tell anyone, and I can’t risk making her feel like she can’t trust me, like I’d take advantage of her.
This is too important.She’stoo important.
I’m not sure what to say, though, because at this moment, all I can think is that I hate the asshole who had her in his life and treated her like that. It’s probably a horrible thing to think about a dead man, but I’m glad he’s gone. I’m glad he’s not around to tell her she’s unworthy anymore.
“Was it better when he was deployed?” I ask. I assume it would be harder for him to watch her every move when he was gone for months at a time.
“Yeah, it was a lot better,” Becca says. “I was always so relieved when he left. I think I was a better mom when he was gone, because I didn’t have him constantly telling me how awful I was. But then he would get back and it would all crash down on me again. He’d even accuse me of cheating on him when he was gone. I never did, but it didn’t matter.”
I can’t imagine living under that kind of weight. She still does, like she has to protect him. “Why keep the secret? I mean, I guess because it’s nobody’s business?” I can see not wanting to deal with the public’s opinion about something that obviously still hurts her.
I know it’s not my place, but I wish I could take that pain away.
She sighs. “I don’t want the girls to hear it. I want them to be able to keep their image of him intact. He’s their hero.The father they love, who loved them.”
“Makes sense when they’re so young,” I say carefully. “But I wonder if when they’re older they should know the truth.”
“I don’t know what it would accomplish.”
“It might help them to know their mother,” I say.
“Maybe,” Becca says, but I think she’s just being polite. “There’s more, though. I don’t want my in-laws to know.They’re my family now, but if they knew the truth—I don’t know if they would believe me, much less support me. I can’t lose them.”
I close my eyes briefly. “That must be so lonely, feeling like you have to lie even to the people you love.”
Becca nods and hunches over, like she’s bowing under the weight of that burden. It pisses me off, because she didn’t do anything wrong. She’s not the one who should carry the shame.
But I know there’s nothing I can say that will change it.
“No one else knows,” I say. “Not anyone?”
“Just my therapist. I’ve been in therapy since right after Rob died. My in-laws think it’s grief counseling, but it’s not. I’m still working my way through everything that happened when we were married.”
“You don’t have to answer this.” I’ve as much as asked it on camera, though, and I regret now putting her in that position. “But how did you feel when he died?”
Becca sniffles. She’s not fully crying anymore, but the tear tracks still shine on her cheeks, and her eyes are rimmed red. “I am the worst person in the world.”
“It seems like it would be natural to feel relieved.”
“I would never have wanted this to happen to anyone,” she says. “Not even him. I would never have wanted my girls to lose their father. I would never have chosen this.”
That makes her a better person than I am.
“Ideally,” she continues, “I would have left him, and my girls could have kept their father, and my in-laws could have kept their son. But I could never see how I would do it. I had no education, no real work history, and no control over our finances.” She huddles in even further. “But yeah. When it happened, I felt relieved. I was just so glad not to be trapped with him anymore.”
Her body trembles, and I have to wrap my arms around my knees to keep from putting one around her. I probably could—she’d see it as a friendly gesture. But I’m not going to take advantage of her in this situation. I can’t.
“I know I seem stupid for going onTV when I have so many secrets,” she says. “I always mock people who do that, you know? But I thought it would be easy to lie about, because I’ve been lying about it for so long.”
I take a deep breath. “Yeah, but this process really gets inside your head.” I know I’m a dick for blaming the process. It’s my job to get inside her head. I’ve asked about Rob so many times, because it’s my job to ask, and because I wanted to know. I did this to her. I chose to do it, when I could have said no.
“I see why you signed up for the show, though,” I say. “You’ve been limiting yourself to hookups because you’re scared. After this, what’s one date, even one you didn’t find onTinder?” Becca smiles, and even if it’s a tremulous one, it’s wonderful to see. “You needed to throw down this gauntlet for yourself, and you did it. When you get back, you’ll be able to do anything.”
“I might not even needTinder.”
