“Of course I want to fix it,” Jason says.
I desperately want to believe he really means it. I can see the look in his eyes, the pain there.The fear and desperation.That isn’t the look of a man who doesn’t care.
But it also doesn’t square up with the way he’s been acting.The two don’t fit together.
I don’t know what to do with that at all.
Four
Jason
Istare at Emily, who is side-lit from the flashlight on the floor of the tent.
Do I want to fix it? What kind of a question is that? My heart is beating like crazy, and I feel like I’ve just fallen ten feet without a rope.
Emily looks—god, is shesurprisedby this?
“I haven’t decided anything,” she says. “We can still see if we can fix it.”
We cansee? When we had that fight earlier—even up until a minute or so ago—I had no idea our relationship was at risk. I mean, I knew Emily was upset with me, though I’m still not entirely sure I understand why. I’ve always assumed at some point she was going to get tired of me and my volume and my lifestyle and tell me she was done living in the middle of it.
But I don’t want that to happen today. I don’twantit to happen ever. If there’s any chance I can have just a little bit longer with her . . .
Then I’m wasting her time, aren’t I? Should I tell her that I don’t want to work it out, spare her the trouble of figuring all this out herself?
“Doyouwant to fix it?” I ask her.
“Yes,” she answers immediately. “Yes, of course I do.”
Of course she does. Like she didn’t just try to break up with me. I run a hand through my hair, taking a deep breath and trying to calm down.
It doesn’t work.
“Tell me again what the problem is,” I say. “I still don’t understand.”
“You’re not excited to be with me anymore.”
I hold up a hand. “That’s not true.That can’t be the problem, because it isn’t the case. I swear.”
She hesitates. “Are you sure?”
I think I know my feelings about my own girlfriend. I know every day how lucky I am to have gotten this much time with her. “Yes. I’m sure.”
She rubs her hands up and down her arms. “Maybe I’m imagining it. If you’re really sure you don’t feel that way, maybe I’m just crazy.”
I shake my head. Emily is one of the sharpest people I know. If she says there’s an issue, there must be one. “I don’t think so. I believe you that there’s a problem, but I can guarantee that it isn’t that I don’t want to be with you, because Ido.”
Tear tracks shine on her cheeks, and all I want to do is wrap my arms around her and tell her I’m the luckiest son of a bitch alive to have gotten two years with her, and all I want is more.
“But you don’t feel like I love you anymore,” I say quietly.
“I mean, it’s not like you don’t say it.”
This makes it worse, really. If itwasthat I don’t say it, I would know how to fix it. “And you don’t know what it is, then?”
“I thought it was that you didn’t really love me anymore. Or, that you do, but you’re not, like,inlove with me. It seemed like you’d gotten over it, and now you were just in this because it’s the path of least resistance, and I can’t—” Her voice breaks, and she looks up at the rain cover like she’s trying not to cry again.
I reach over and take her hand. “That’s not why I’m with you. I’m with you because I love you more than anything.”
