“Why would I have plans?”
“Because people who are excited to be together in the future make plans together!”This is coming out harsher than it should, and I hate that I can’t be calm about it. But really, should I be? It seems like being able to be calm about this would be another sign of losing interest in the relationship, and the fact I’m so upset about it means the opposite. I’m invested, but I don’t think he is, not anymore, and I’m terrified to ask outright and hear him say that.
I’mmoreterrified he’ll assure me I’m wrong, but that he’ll be lying even to himself.That deep down, he’d rather settle for a relationship with a woman he’s no longer in love with than go back to being alone.
I can’t help thinking of Jason and me, years from now. Living together, because he agreed to. Maybe married, because he let me have what I wanted. Sitting silently at our dining room table. Picking at our food. Exchanging forced smiles.
I’ve had a lifetime of dinners like that at my house growing up.The thought of a future full of them makes me physically ill.
“Why do I have to make all the plans, Jason?” I ask. “Why don’t you think about our future?”
He throws his hand up in the air. “Oh my god, Em. Youlikemaking plans. You can’t be pissed at me for not making plansyou didn’t even tell meI was supposed to be making.”
I may have plans, but Jason always hasideas, the kind that come with loud pronouncements of what he wants to do and then ill-thought gusto as he sets about doing it.
And the fact that he doesn’t have any ideas about us anymore feels like it has to mean something.
He sits up and looks at me, and it’s like he sees the tears swimming in my eyes for the first time. Some of his frustration melts into concern. “Where is this coming from? Something was off with you earlier today, and then you went to send your work thing toConnorand you were gone forhours—”
“What does Connor have to do with this?”
“I don’t know,” Jason says, an edge in his voice. “You tell me.”
My mouth falls open. I have a pretty good idea what he’s insinuating, but I’ve never given him reason to think anything’s going on there.The guy is happily engaged, for god’s sake. “Connor has nothing to do with this.”
“Yeah, well, I’m just wondering if there’s something there that I need to know about. Because you were pissed at me, and then you disappeared to talk to him, and now you’remorepissed at me, and I don’t understand what’s going on.”
I know that’s my fault, because I’m not communicating clearly. But it feels like every time I bring us back to the problem, he throws another exasperated question in my face, so we’re circling and circling like vultures who are eventually going to starve to death for lack of ability to agree when the carcass below us is dead.
There’s a long, tense beat of silence.
“I didn’t even speak to Connor,” I say, hoping to at least defuse this part.
“Do you have feelings for him?” Jason asks, and his voice is suddenly so vulnerable it makes my stomach sink. Has he really been worried aboutthat?
“No, of course not,” I say firmly. “Connor has a fiancée, and I have aboyfriend.”
“Okay, but having a boyfriend doesn’t prevent you from having feelings for someone else.” He shrugs, like this is just a casual statement, but he’s looking a little too intently down at his magazine, his chin jutted forward. “You had feelings for me when you were datingTate.”
I stare at him, stinging like I’ve been slapped. What he’s saying is true—yeah, I had a boyfriend for about thirty seconds when Jason and I were first getting to know each other, and yeah, I dated him despite my growing feelings for Jason. But I didn’tcheatonTate.Hecheated onme, which made me realize what a colossal mistake it was to be dating him when Jason was the one I wanted to be with. “Are you seriously bringingTateinto this? After all this time?That wastwo yearsago. Is that really what you think of me?”
“No,” Jason says quickly, and I think he’s realized he’s stepped over a line. “I didn’t mean to say that you’re, like . . . morally deficient. I only meant that it’s obviously possible to have a boyfriend and also have feelings for another guy. Like when you were withTate but into me, for example. I’m not saying I think there’s anything wrong with the way you handled that. And I don’t think you’re cheating on me now—I’m just really confused as to why you’re mad at me, and I’m trying to figure out what the problem is.”
I believe him, and if I wasn’t so hurt that he doesn’t seem to care about our future, I might be able to calm down and move past it. “I think what I meant is that I’m not going to have feelings for someone else when I have a boyfriendwho I am in love with.”
“Yeah, okay.” But itisn’tokay.Weare not okay, and the reasons for that are making less and less sense to me as we circle. How can Jason be so dismissive of any progress we might make as a couple and yet jealous of some guy that I only talk to for work?
“What is your issue with Connor, anyway?” I ask, hoping the answer will give me some kind of insight into what Jason is thinking. “And don’t say his punctuatedtexting, I know it’s not that. But why him? I have other guy friends. And you have friends who are girls.”
“I don’t know why it’s different. I just don’t like him.”
“Well, I can’t quit my job just because you don’t like him.”
He gapes. “I didn’t ask you to quit your job. Oh my god. Am I allowed to not like the guy?”
“Sure. I just don’t understand why you don’t.”
“And I don’t understand why you won’t justtalkto me about whatever’s wrong.”
