“Because I have failed her,” I tell him. “A lot.”
“You made some mistakes. But mistakes aren’t the same as failure, and not every negative emotion Kim has is because of your mistakes.The majority are probably because she’s a person, and people are unhappy sometimes.”
“And because of my OCD,” Kim says.
“That can certainly make things more complicated, yes.” He taps his pen lightly on his notepad as he waits for our reaction.
We both look at each other. I’m not sure that Dr. Welsley is right, but I guess we’re here to hear what he has to say. And since he thinks we can make it, I don’t want to argue with him too much.
When he sees we’re done protesting, he continues. “So what I’d like you to do, along with trying to forgive yourselves, is to work on letting go of responsibility for each other’s emotions, and work on loving each other instead.”
“I’m not sure how that’s different,” Kim says. “Being with Blake makes me happy.” She looks back at me like she’s desperate for me to understand this.
“Were you happy in the throes of your postpartum disorder?” he asks her.
“No,” she says. “But—”
“You were with Blake then. Did he make you happy?”
“No,” I say, that familiar anger at myself still there, always there. “I did the opposite.”
“But it wasn’t hisfault,” Kim says. She sounds close to tears again, and we’re both squeezing each other’s hands for dear life.
“No, it wasn’t,” Dr. Welsley says. “You were unhappy, and it wasn’t his fault, because he’s not responsible for your happiness. And you aren’t responsible for his, either. Blake, were you happy right before your divorce?”
“No,” I say. “But I wasn’t as miserable as I was after.”
“Why is that?”
“Because being with Kim makes me happy.” I know this is the wrong answer, given the direction he’s leading us, but I’m still not sure why.
“I want you to consider,” Dr. Welsley says, “that perhaps being together is your best environment for happiness, but that this doesn’t mean that you can or should make each other happy. No human being can be happy all the time. It’s not a fair burden for your relationship to bear.”
Oh. I guess I see his point.
Kim’s tugging her lower lip between her teeth. “I think I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around what that looks like in practice. Like, am I not supposed to do things that I know will make Blake happy?”
“You should absolutely do those things,” Dr. Welsley says. “But do them because you love him, not because you want to make him happy. Do you see the difference there? In one case, you’ve placed a burden upon yourself that if he’s not happy, you failed. And in the other, if there are circumstances that make Blake unhappy regardless of your actions, you’re still loving him. You’ve set for yourself parameters in which you can succeed.”
That sounds more complicated than it probably should. Kim looks at me wearily, and I feel the same.
But then I realize she’s looking to me for an answer, to know whether I’m willing to do this for her, even if it’s hard, even if I’m not sure I completely understand. She’s waiting to know if she’s worth it to me.
This time, I’m going to choose to fight for her—if not to make her happy, then because I’m in love with her.
“Okay,” I say. “I can try that.”
“Me too,” Kim says.
“Good.” Dr. Welsley sets the notepad and pen down on the coffee table. “I’d like you to take some time to process that and give it a try.Then come back in a few days, and we’ll talk about how it went.”
I take a deep breath. I’m terrified that I’ll fail at this, too, and from the tension in every inch of Kim’s frame, I’m pretty sure she feels the same.
“Okay,” I say. “We’ll try.” I let go of Kim’s hand and wrap my arms around her, kissing her on the top of her head.
I want this to work. Ithasto work.
Because above all else, I cannot lose her again.
