“Did the divorce hurt you?” Dr. Welsley asks me.
“Yeah,” I say. “It hurt like hell, but I’m the one who did that to Kim, and to our kids, and to myself.”
“And Kim was a helpless victim.”
I pause. Kim is a lot of things, but never helpless. “I wouldn’t say that.”
“So can you admit that maybe Kim had a part in the dissolution of your relationship, the way most relationships that dissolve have fault on both sides?”
When he puts it that way, it does seem more reasonable. I still want to insist it was all on me, but I can see that I’m being stubborn. “Yeah, okay,” I say. “That makes sense.”
“And can you forgive her for it?”
“Of course. Absolutely.”
Kim looks at me like this is a revelation, when really, I feel like her part in it was so small that I don’t know how I could help but forgive her.
“So if you’ve forgiven each other, then it only makes sense that you should forgive yourselves, doesn’t it? If even your ex-spouse isn’t bitter, then it seems unreasonable to hold on to that pain.”
“It does,” I say. “But I can’t help it.”
Kim nods, and it breaks my heart that she feels the same way.
“It’s really not your fault,” I tell her.
“Well, it’s really not yours, either,” she says.
Dr. Welsley smiles.
“What?” I ask him. “You’rehappyabout this?”
“Oh, I’m thrilled,” Dr. Welsley says. “Most divorced people have some level of contempt for each other, but you two very clearly love each other, not just in theory, but in practice.”
He’s right that I love Kim more than anything. And by some miracle, she still loves me.That has to mean something.
“So,” Kim says in a small voice, “do you think we have a chance?”
“I think you have better than that,” Dr. Welsley says. “I think if you’re both willing to work at it, you’re going to be fine. But you do have real problems, so it’ll take work.”
I nod.This is what I thought we were here for. “So what do we do?”
“I have two suggestions. One is that you both work on forgiving yourselves for the past.There’s nothing you can do about your divorce now. You need to work forward and heal.”
I’m pretty sure he’s right about that. I just wish I knew how.
“And second, I’ve observed that you both take far too much responsibility for each other’s happiness.”
We both stare at him in stunned silence.
“It seems to me,” Kim says slowly, “that people in a relationship should take responsibility for each other’s happiness.”
“I’m not sure how we wouldn’t,” I add.
Dr. Welsley sits back again in his chair. “What if I told you you’re not responsible for making each other happy? And you never were.”
“I don’t think I believe that,” I say.
“I know,” he says. “And because of that, every time Kim feels a negative emotion, you feel like you’ve failed her.”
