Dr. Welsley is right.This is all hard for me to hear.
“Blake underestimates himself,” Kim says. “He thinks that because he fell into his career without really trying, he doesn’t deserve it. I don’t know about the last six years, but when we were married, he felt like he was pretending, and someday people were going to realize that he couldn’t really act, that he didn’t belong.”
“Imposter syndrome,” Dr. Welsley adds. Kim nods.
“It’s not a syndrome if it’s true,” I say. I’m not sure how this conversation became all about me, but I guess I’m the reason we got divorced, so it’s relevant. “You know how I got into acting? I had a friend who was a casting assistant on a beach movie, and she thought I was the right type for a part they needed to cast. So she asked me to come in, and I was like, sure, whatever.Then I showed up to the audition and acted like a person, and they fell all over themselves and hired me for this side part. My friend helped me figure out how to get an agent, which was easy because I already had a part, and she just kept getting me roles.”
“So you credit your friend and your agent with your success,” Dr. Welsley says.
“Yeah, in the beginning.” I don’t see why this is such a bad thing. It is, in fact, what happened, and just because I’m a movie star and people want to treat me like I’m special doesn’t make it true. “Then I met Kim, and she’s the reason I really made it. I’ve always credited her with my success, even when we were divorced.”
“You are divorced,” Dr. Welsley says.
“Right.” I cringe. I’ve been thinking of her like she’s my wife again, even though we aren’t remarried. It seems strange for her to go back to being my girlfriend. She hasn’t been that in over twelve years. We have kids together now, and so much history. “But the point is that she’s the one who taught me how to build a career. Without her, I would have wandered from part to part, taking whatever romantic comedies got thrown at me until I stopped being relevant. But Kim talked me into auditioning for lots of things. She convinced me that if I wanted to have a long-term career, I needed to branch out, try different roles, intentionally evolve my image. She’s the reason I did indie films. I wanted to see if I could play a bad person, so I did a film where I played a hit man, and then I played an addict and a serial killer. It was fun, and I liked it, so I kept looking for roles like that, which is why I am where I am. I never would have done that if it wasn’t for Kim.”
“Is that true, Kim?”
Kim shakes her head, and I want to argue before she even speaks, but I hold my tongue. I don’t want the therapist to think I won’t listen to her.
Do I not listen to her?
“Blake had so much natural talent,” she says. “But he didn’t know the business. So yeah, he learned some things from me, just like I learned some things from him.”
I roll my eyes. “What could you possibly—”
“I learned how to enjoy my job,” she cuts back in. “And I know Blake is going to say that’s not important, but as someone who worked this job since I was a kid, it was everything. I took it so seriously that it became just like any other job. But seeing it all through Blake’s eyes—he made it magical.The way it ought to be. He helped me remember how fantastically lucky I am to be able to act for a living, and when I was with him, it all felt like a fairytale.”
My throat closes. “I felt that way, too.”
“But he gives me too much credit. I didn’t talk him into taking those roles. I just suggested that he could. He did all the work himself.”
I open my mouth to disagree, but she keeps talking. “And Blake will tell you it wasn’t work, but he worked his ass off for those roles.”
I rub my forehead. “I did some work. But I wouldn’t have if it weren’t for—”
Dr. Welsley sits forward in the chair. “Blake, why do you think you have such a hard time taking credit for your success?”
“Because I don’t deserve credit for it.”
“You’re a very successful actor, who by all accounts is a wonderful father and such a good person that even his ex-wife has only good things to say about him. Yet you don’t think you deserve credit for any of it. Why is that?”
I shake my head. I’m starting to get angry, and while I know that is irrational, I can’t help it. “What Kim has to say about me says more about her than it does about me.”
Kim sighs. “That’s not true.” She looks like she’s not quite done, and I lean back on the love seat.
“Go ahead,” I tell her. “Say whatever you want to.”
But I’m not prepared for what she says.
“It’s because of his childhood,” Kim says. “Blake’s dad is kind of a hard-ass, and Blake’s always been a fun-loving person. His dad used to call him a screwup for goofing off. He told him he was a baby every time he cried, until finally Blake just stopped.”
The tears are all too close right now, and I look out the window instead of at her, fighting them back. I’d forgotten I told her about that. I told her a lot of things, but I didn’t realize she remembered.
“And he was always told in school that he was stupid,” Kim continues. “He wasn’t diagnosed with dyslexia until he was almost fourteen. He still has a hard time reading. It was one of the first things he told me about himself when I met him, because he was sitting on set spending time with the script. He always needs extra time, and he hates last-minute changes, but he works so hard to make up for it, so it never affects his performance. I remember being so impressed that he didn’t hide it, but the truth is that he still believes he’s not smart. Not being able to read, it affects everything. Blake is so intelligent, but he doesn’t feel like he fits the stereotype of a smart person, because smart people read. Our daughter Ivy learned to read early, and I think a lot of that was the praise that she got from her dad for it. He was so proud of her for not being like him, when really she is, in so many ways.”
The corners of my eyes are burning.That’s true, about Ivy, and I know Luke has picked up on it. I hate myself for it, because if he’s inherited my problems—and the genetic odds and early indicators suggest that he has—
I’m going to make him feel exactly the same way I do.
