My mouth falls open. “What—” I say, but then I shake my head. Whatever happened, I don’t want to hear it from Warren.
I need to find Su-Lin.
I tear out of the ballroom, growing more certain with each step. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t. Su-Lin is the most important thing in the world to me, but I haven’t been treating her that way. I’ve been giving in to my fear, living my life small, as my therapist would put it.
I’m done now.
I need her.
I have to find her and lay it all out for her, no more holding back. And if I have a panic attack in the middle of it, well. Fuck it. It wouldn’t be the first time.
I move through the halls of the convention center, past the couples making out in the hallway, past a group of teenagers sitting around and playingMario Kartwith each other on their handhelds. In the lobby, there are people draped all over the couches, some of them drinking out of plain containers that I assume from the loudness of their voices contain alcohol.
I scan the room, but Su-Lin isn’t there. I’m about to head toward the hotel, assuming she went back to our room, when I see a tuft of gauzy, blue fabric sticking out from behind one of the decorative pillars on the far side of the room.
I walk over slowly, and as I get closer, I can hear her crying.
My heart breaks open, and a chill runs through me.
Warren said he was sorry. God, what did he do to her?
I step around the pillar and drop to my knees beside Su-Lin. She’s crunched up on the marble floor, her dress puffing up around her. Her makeup’s running and her face is stained with tears.
“Hey.” I reach out to take her hand. “What’s wrong?”
Su-Lin sobs again—god, I’ve never seen her cry like this. I want to scoop her into my arms and tell her that everything is going to be okay, but I’m too uncertain that it will be.
“Warren said to tell you he’s sorry,” I say. “He says he feels like shit.”
“Is that why you’re here?” Su-Lin asks between sobs. “Because Warren found you?”
I want to tell her. I’ve just resolved to tell her. But I don’t want to make this moment worse for her, and what I have to say can wait.
“Whathappened?” I ask.
Su-Lin bends over, putting her face in her hands. Her body shakes with sobs, and I can’t help it. I sit down beside her and put my arm around her, still holding her hand in mine.
“I tried to kiss him,” she chokes out. “But he rejected me.”
My whole body goes cold. My hand is numb and can no longer feel hers.
I was right that she’s really into Warren, but he’s not into her. My heart breaks right down the middle, for me and for her. I pull her close and press my lips against her temple.
No, this is definitely not my moment. In fact, I’m becoming increasingly sure that I missed that moment altogether, maybe back at her sister’s wedding or on our first date.
“I’m sorry,” I say, and Su-Lin just cries harder.
I knock my head back against the pillar. It was true, what I thought before. I don’t deserve her. She’ll be happier, not with Warren, probably, but with somebody else.
I close my eyes.
The fantasy about the beach house is nothing more than a fantasy. I’m not good for her, and I’ve never been good for her. I’m poison in a relationship. Candace tried to break up with me so many times, and I always went after her. It was like a compulsion. Within minutes I’d be calling her phone a hundred times, leaving sobbing messages, driving by her house, our friends’ houses, making desperate threats against my own safety.
My heart is bleeding out in my chest, but I take a deep breath—to my stomach, like my therapist taught me—and I make a decision.
No matter how much pain I feel, no matter how many tears I cry alone later, no matter how this breaks me—I’m not going to do that this time.
Su-Lin will be happier without me, and I’m going to let her go.
