Marriage.
My throat closes.
That’s what I really want, isn’t it? But I can’t. I can’t fail her, can’t see the look on her face when she realizes that I’m not who she thought I was, who she needs me to be.
“Thanks,” she says quietly. She wriggles out of my arms and climbs into bed, bunching her blankets up around her like a big Su-Lin cocoon. I want to curl up right there in the blankets with her, but we aren’t having a date tonight, and even if we were, I have no right to go to bed with her again until I can guarantee I won’t hurt her like that. I lie down on my own bed, though I can still smell her on the sheets, and my whole body aches to be closer to her. She might as well be miles away, but I still hear her voice, emerging softly from her blanket pile.
“So, what we did last night,” she says, “you liked it?”
I pause for a moment, confused. She can’t mean the sex, can she?
Could she nottell?
“Um, yeah I liked it,” I say. “You clearly know what you’re doing.”
Su-Lin is silent and still, but there’s no way she fell asleep that fast.
Didshenot like it? I mean, I’m pretty sure she had a good time when I was going down on her, but . . .
I can hear Candace’s voice in my head.Come on, Brendan. Do you think anyone really wants a dick in their mouth?Su-Lin hadn’t seemed like she minded, but now I can’t remember if I actually said that I didn’t expect it, actually told her that she didn’t owe me anything. I’ve heard a lot of girls can’t finish in regular intercourse, so it just seems smart to start there—and god, did I want to start there, tasting every bit of her—but I didn’t mean for her to feel like she had to reciprocate.
Tears prick my eyes as the memory of last night floods with shame.
I hurt her. I made her feel obligated. And what I read as something amazing was actually causing her pain.
“Su-Lin,” I say.
“Yeah?” Her voice is pitched higher than normal, like she’s really nervous about something.
“I’m so sorry if you didn’t want to do that. I should have been more clear that I didn’t expect it. You don’t ever need to feel like you need to do that for me again.”
I squeeze my eyes shut and bury my face in the pillow. Not that I think shewoulddo it again, because I’ve clearly ruined everything, and we’re clearly never going to—
“I really liked it, actually,” she says.
I look over at her, but her face is turned away from me, so all I can see is the ends of her braids poking out of the top of her cocoon.
“But it’s okay if it wasn’t the best thing ever for you,” she says.
I sit up. “What? Are you kidding?”
Su-Lin rolls over and there’s this unaccountably vulnerable expression on her face. She’s actually worried about this.
“It was fantastic for me,” I say. “Truly fantastic. I’ve been wanting to be with you like that more or less since we met, and never in all of my fantasies was it that good.”
Now she looks skeptical. Blood drains from my face. I thought I’d been okay at expressing how much I wanted that last night, but I know from experience with Candace that sometimes what I think is good is really just mediocre from the other side.
“Really?” she says.
“Yeah. I’m sorry if it wasn’t as good as you expected.”
“Oh!” Su-Lin says, her eyes widening again. “God, no, that’s not it at all.”
I feel as if we’re having two totally different conversations, but I’m not sure what hers is about. “Then what is it? Did I do something wrong?”
She shakes her head and burrows further into her covers.
“Come on,” I say. “Talk to me.”
