There’s a pause. “Ummmm,” she starts. “I suppose you could say that I’m a . . . I mean technically,verytechnically—”
I have a glimmer of where this conversation is going, but I don’t believe it. Su-Lin has talked lots of times about the guys she’s been with, and—
“No way,” I say, sitting up. “You’re not a virgin.”
She lets out a low pitched whine and buries her face under a pillow. “Very technically,” she says, muffled.
Huh. I guess the stuff she said could still be true. It’s not like she’s ever opened a conversation about sex withso this one time, while I had a guy’s penis in my vagina. . .
“Okay,” I say. “But you’ve done other stuff, right? Like, the stuff we did last night.”
Su-Lin is silent, and my stomach drops like a brick.
“No,” I say. “No, no, no. No.That was your—”
“Don’t say it!” Su-Lin shouts, and she throws her pillow at me. It hits me in the face. I get up and sit on the edge of her bed.
This can’t be right. I can’t have done that to her.That was her first time, and I just ignored her in the morning like nothing happened?
“I’m a douche,” I say. “I’m a complete asshole. I’m so sorry that I—”
“Shut up!” she says, grabbing my arm and shaking me. “You didn’t know, because I never told you. And I was there last night, too, you know. I wanted to do it.”
I bite my lip. “You did, right? I mean, I thought we were both on board with—”
“Yeah, I was, okay? I put my hand on your dick. I made myself very clear.” She yanks her covers out from underneath me and burrows down into them again. “But I didn’t really know what I was doing, so you don’t have to lie to me and tell me it was great for you if it wasn’t. I’m sure you and Candace had a lot of phenomenal sex, and it’s not like I think I could compare.”
“That’s not true,” I say. “But I made you feel that way. I’m such an asshole.”
She shakes her head. “It’s fine! We’re fine and I’m fine and everything’s fine.”
“Are you mad at me?” I ask. “You should be mad at me.”
“No,” she says. “Not at all.”This, unlike the over-enthusiastic declarations of being fine, sounds true. “You really liked it?”
I finally understand what she’s asking.
“Yes. You did everything just right. I clearly didn’t know that you didn’t have experience. I just hate that I wasn’t paying attention, you know? I would have made sure you were really okay with that, helped you through it.” I smile. “Not that you needed the help, apparently.”
She cuddles closer to me, and I hope in some small way I’m repairing a bit of the damage I’ve done.
“Why were you scared?” she asks, her voice soft. “This morning, I mean.”
“I’m not sure that I can explain that entirely,” I say. “I just—I want to be with you, and I want to be ready for that and I’m mad as hell at myself that I’m not.” I shake my head. “You deserve better, you know? And I think some stupid part of me might have thought that being together like that would help, and I’m mad at myself for thinking that, when obviously it didn’t.”
Su-Lin looks crestfallen, which is exhibit A of exactly what I was afraid of this morning.
She’s tired of waiting for me.I’mtired of waiting for me, but I’m stuck with myself, and it’s only a matter of time before she realizes she’s not.
“I’m aware that we’re basically just telling each other this over and over,” I say. “But if I did do anything that made you uncomfortable, or that you didn’t like, it’s okay for you to tell me. I know I can be too aggressive, or too into certain things, and you need to tell me when I do that.”
Su-Lin looks confused. “Too into things? I don’t even know what that—” She pauses, her face hardening. “This is a Candace thing, isn’t it?”
My face flushes. “Yeah, I mean, I know I’m not super great at this stuff. From experience.”
“Experience with Candace,” Su-Lin says flatly. “Who made you think you weren’t good with . . . what now?”
I really don’t want to go into detail about this, but I suppose she got all up close and personal with the details last night. “I guess I’m just sometimes . . . too enthusiastic.”
