She wiggles her toes in the socks I got her for her birthday last spring, which are part of a pack that all have terrible lawyer-related sexual puns on them.Today’s say, “Are you pro-bono or just happy to see me?”
“Right? Jared’s cooking tonight, so I thought I’d really turn the sexy on.” She pats the pile of blankets roughly where my legs are. “So what’s going on?”
“I broke up withTed.”
She eyes me. “Was he an asshole? Do I need to key his car? Would he even notice if I keyed that hunk of shit?”
I’m too tightly bound in blankets to elbow her, so I give her a look instead, then shake my head. “No. I was definitely the asshole who deserves a keyed car.”
“Because . . .?”
“Because I’m in love with Kevin, and I’m pretty sure I datedTed just so I wouldn’t have to face that.” Maybe hoping I would never have to face that.
“Ahhh.” Miranda doesn’t sound surprised in the least by this revelation, which makes me glare at her.
“You knew, didn’t you?” I say.The grimace on her face is confirmation enough. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Because, my dear Maya,” she says, patting the blankets again, “—and believe me that this is said with the greatest love—you can be the most stubborn person I’ve ever met when you’ve got your mind made up about something.”
I groan, because she’s not wrong.
“So when you’d made up your mind that you and Kevin were just going to be friends,” she continues, “I knew nothing I could say would change that, and you’d just have to figure it out for yourself. I just hoped it wouldn’t be because Kevin got a girlfriend.” She gives me a suddenly concerned look. “He didn’t, did he?”
“No,” I say, though even the thought of that sends a trickle of ice through me. God, how did I ever think this would be okay?
Is this the way he felt hearing aboutTed? Or was he really fine with it?
“I mean, I’m sure he’s seeing girls,” I say, trying not to picture any little bit of that. “But we don’t talk details about that. Or at all, really.” Until I announced that I had a boyfriend, and he very kindly told me how I should focus on that, and how maybe we didn’t need to talk so much anymore and . . .
I pull a hand up from under the blankets just enough to rub at my forehead, where I can feel a headache starting.
Miranda nods. “So you’re not withTed anymore.”
“No. And I still feel shitty about doing that to him. He’s a nice guy.” I give her a firm look when I say this.
“Yep,” she says. “He is. But he’s not the nice guy you really want to be with.”
Of course. It wasn’t that she didn’t likeTed; it was that she didn’t like him with me. Because she knew how I really felt about Kevin.
Shit. Everyone must know. Panic tightens my chest. DoesKevinknow? Is that why he was so open to me focusing on my relationship withTed?
“And also,” Miranda says, “Ted’s a big boy. He’ll be fine.” She pauses. “So what are you going to do? Are you going to tell Kevin?” She asks this like it’s even a possibility for me to blurt these words out to my best friend, especially after the words I had to blurt out last night.
“I—I mean, I can’t,” I say, my eyes burning again. “I don’t know if he feels the same way about me. And not even love, but, you know, is he even interested in me that way at all anymore? We’ve been such close friends for so long now, if I said that and he doesn’t feel the same way . . .” I close my eyes, already feeling the deep shame of that, of him having to tell me I missed my chance with him months ago.
What wouldthatdo to our friendship?
“Okay,” Miranda says slowly. “Let’s just pretend that he does. Let’s pretend he’s crazy in love with you and wants to be more than friends.”
God, I both desperately want to pretend that and desperately don’t.
“Miranda, I don’t see how pretending—”
“So,” she cuts me off. “Given that, could you see yourself trying to make it work? He’s still a rock star, and he’s still going to be surrounded by girls wanting to sleep with him. Could you trust him?”
I think about that. And yeah, I get insecure when I think about all those girls, but now I think that insecurity comes from them getting to be with him when I can’t.
I know Kevin now, better than I know anyone. And I know what kind of person he is.
