“Yes,” I say. “I could trust him. If we were together, he wouldn’t cheat on me.”
“Okay. So the long-distance thing. You guys have obviously been able to have a pretty tight relationship even with being so far apart, and if you were together—”
I groan again. “I know. I see where you’re going with this. And yeah, we’ve been able to build a relationship long-distance. But I still don’t think that’s particularly conducive to a romantic relationship, even if he did come out here more often or I went out there—and even if I didn’t happen to have a flare-up during one of our visits and spend the whole time sleeping instead of being with my boyfriend.” I can feel my voice getting higher and faster, the fear building. “And then,then, if we try this, and it doesn’t work out . . . I can’t lose him, Miranda.”
The tears slip over onto my cheeks, and Miranda’s expression goes soft and she puts her arm around me, leaning her head against mine. We sit there in silence for a long moment, and then Miranda draws back enough to look at me.
“So are you going to try to keep things with him the way they are now?”
I frown. A huge part of me wants to. Or at least keep things the way they were before I told him aboutTed. And probably they could go back to that, once I tell himTed and I broke up? Our friendship, so incredible, so comfortable.
I think about that word for a moment. I’ve used it often in my head to think about my relationship withTed. Comfortable. Easy. But it’s not the same way I think of it with Kevin, and it takes me a bit to realize why.
WithTed, it was easy because it was a relationship that didn’t require much of me—or him, either, for that matter. It was comfortable because I didn’t have to put much of my heart into it.
But with Kevin, it’s easy because of how much I can be myself with him, unreservedly me. It’s comfortable because all of my heart is already in it, and has been for a long time.
“I don’t know,” I say honestly. “I don’t know that I have the guts to do anything else.”
I think back to that first conversation with him, to talking about horror movies being like roller coasters—scary, but in a good way, because no matter how sharp the turns are or how deep the drops, you always know you’re still on the track.
I’m terrified of leaving that track. Or finding out I’ve never been on one at all.
“I know,” she says, putting her head back against mine. “You’ve spent so long protecting yourself, making sure to get enough rest, making sure not to overdo it. And I get why. You need to. But somewhere in all that, you’ve forgotten that Maya’s a brave, kickass mofo who’s able to handle a lot more than she thinks.”
I sniffle, though I can’t help but smile too. “A kickass mofo who can’t even keep her friends from taking their shirts off and throwing themselves at rock stars.”
“Yeah, well, some things are more inevitable than others.”
I laugh. We sit there for a while longer, talking on and off, speculating what kind of dinner Jared is making for her and whether she’s going to end up with salmonella poisoning or a reheated can of Spaghetti-Os and how sweet it is that’s he’s doing this for her, even with what she claims are “supremely dubious” cooking skills.Then eventually my sister comes home, and my mom, and Miranda needs to take off to meet Jared for her romantic and hopefully-not-poisonous dinner.
And I hold my phone in my hand, preparing myself to call Kevin.
I’m going to tell him about breaking up withTed, of course. I’m going to hope that means we can at least have our friendship back to what it was.
But I know now how much more I want, and despite what Miranda says about me, I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to take the risk to find out if that’s possible.
Ten
Kevin
After Maya calls me to tell me aboutTed, I send a text to Shane, telling him Maya has a boyfriend. He doesn’t miss a beat, just tells me he’ll be over in an hour and shows up with a bag of Cheetos, a case of beer, and a couple of joints. We spend the rest of the evening getting trashed and saying bad things aboutTed. Shane wisely doesn’t extend any of the insults to Maya, and I’m glad. It feels good to rip apart this guy I’ve never met, to forget for a few hours that I actually hope he’s a decent human being, since he gets to be with the girl I love, and I don’t.
In the morning, I want to do it all over again, but I don’t. Instead I answer some emails from a club venue we’re playing next month, pick up all the empty beer cans in my apartment, and force myself to take a shower. Shane took the rest of the pot with him—he always does that, ever since he saw some documentary about racial demographics and mass incarceration and got all woke about how he’s much less likely to go to prison for drug possession than I am. Now he’s always on me to let him buy the drugs (which I always did anyway, since I’m not a big user) and makes sure not to leave any behind in my apartment or car. It’s that last part I mind. I may not be the biggest pot head around, but I have smoked a startling number of Shane’s leftovers over the years.
Today I really could have used one.
I know Shane would be back over here in a minute if I asked him to be, but I can’t bring myself to make that call. I need to be an adult about this. I got rejectedmonthsago by a girl who happens to be a good friend of mine now. Who she dates is her business. If we’re spending less time together, that just gives me a chance to get out of my head and put myself back out there. I can party more with the guys, who god knows would love that. I can work more on our music—I’ve got a couple of sets of lyrics Shane wrote now, the beginnings of what may eventually be our next album, and I ought to be working on them more than I am.
Hell, I could remember how to watchTV by myself again. I never used to mind being alone. Unlike JT and Shane, I need my down time. I always have.
I just liked it better when Maya was in it.
Taking my own advice, I spend my afternoon with my headphones plugged into an amp, working out some new riffs that might go with some of the songs Shane wrote.The lyrics aren’t great yet, and I don’t know that any of these songs is going to beThe One—the song that hits the right mix of theme, rhythm, and melody that makes us know it’s going to be our central hit to build the rest of the album around. But it feels good to spend time with my guitar, just me and the music.
Even if I can’t shake the feeling I want to ask Maya’s opinion.
I’m taking a break to order in dinner when my phone rings. I’ve been keeping it out of my pocket to avoid the urge to text her all day. I said we were going to back off, and I have to mean it. Not just because it’s what’s best for her, but because I don’t know how to be around her, knowing that none of it means anything.
