“Carl Foggert, Harrison Thymes?—”
“Those are made-up names.”
“And…” He pauses for effect. “Lionel Rooster.”
A gasp falls from my lips.
“The Roost?”
He slowly nods again. “The one and only Roost.” He lifts his fists together and then makes a breaking sound while snapping them apart. “Broken prick. It’s why you never see him at the pub anymore. Broke that cock right off.”
A shiver runs up my spine. There have been rumors about Rooster’s dick, but I thought they were just rumors.
Apparently not.
I clutch my legs together tighter at the thought of Neil’s daughter even looking in the direction of my crotch. No…it can’t happen.
“Imagine what kind of sawing she would have to do to break down your log.” Rupert shakes his head. “No.” His fists punch the seat of the couch. “I’ll be damned if you become man number four of her slaying vagina. No fucking way.” He grabs my phone and starts tapping away. “We need to find you a woman and we need to find one quick.”
“Wait, are you serious?”
“Do you have any other options? You stupidly brought yourself to this?—”
“No, you did.” I point at him. “This was your idea, not mine. This is why I always choose truth; you made me choose dare.”
“Well, don’t be such a goddamn pushover and stand your ground, for the love of God.” He tilts my phone down so I can see the screen. He’s in the app for Fiancé-er—such a dumb name. “Holy shit, look, you have applications.”
“Really?” I ask, leaning over, my interest slightly piqued.
“Yeah, you have five people already matched.” He clicks on the first name.
Janice from Tallahassee, Florida.
“She seems nice,” Rupert says. “And look, she has a pet snake. Oh shit, it’s a fucking boa constrictor.”
I shake my head. “No, absolutely not.”
“You don’t want her and her snake crawling all over you?”
“Not even a little.”
“Okay, how about Yvonne from…Las Vegas? She’s a poker dealer and a stripper. Huh, good for her for having two jobs.”
“My father would have a stroke.”
“Might not be a bad thing.” Rupert chuckles. “Okay, what about this one? Renee from Montana. She lives on a ranch and rescues horses. That’s pretty cool.”
“Besides the fact that I would have to probably work on said ranch. Could you picture that?”
Rupert leans back and looks me up and down. “No, your hands are too soft and well moisturized.”
“Exactly. Next.”
“Well, this lady is eighty, and I don’t mind an age gap, but your father will not believe such a tryst, so that leaves…Renley.”
Rupert clicks on the profile, and a picture showing a cute redhead with long hair, freckles dotting her nose, and the brightest blue eyes I’ve ever seen appears. Her smile is just big enough to show off one dimple on the right, while her eyes are soft. Perhaps, dare I say, even tender.
And my father doesn’t think I’m mature.
